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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Friday, May 28, 2010

S dragged me into Urban Planet yesterday before the movie
because he wanted to talk to an old friend

as soon as we reached the door i was lost in gorgeous short shorts =P
I picked up a couple pairs and held them to myself to gauge my size
not a 3, but a 5 yes.
which is not bad for this moment, no.
i looked at the 1s longingly.
i picked up a 0 and my jaw almost dropped.

i could maybe physically possibly do a 1 without looking scary emaciated
with my body type.
i have fairly wide hips.

but jesus christ i had no idea 0 was so tiny.
the power in being that size,
of owning the number whenever someone asked
"Oh, what size are your jeans love ?"
The look back over the shoulder,
confident quirky smile,
hair flip,
"I'm a zero."

the fucking power in that.

because the 0 shorts were the size of my waist.
no matter how much weight i lose off my ass i don't think i could
be a 0.

at least if i'm a 1.
nobody is a one anymore
unless they're a little tweenie who hasn't finished puberty yet
(like i was and like most every other tweenie.)

i considered trying a pair f shorts on
(S told me to as well)
but then i told him it was not the right time to try things on.
hint ?
he didn't pick up so i'm glad,
because it was made subconsciously,
i think i'm close enough as is to him figuring out about my eating problem.

and his friend Syd.
well, she's my friend from sewing too
but he knows her better =P

Syd is slightly overweight.
she only ever wears baggy clothing.
i've never seen her without a baggy shirt or hoodie on

she always mentions how fat she is
(to which i replied of course you're not fucking fat darling.
Meanwhile thinking i had to fucking lose weight.)

today she was hanging with me and S at lunch
she wanted a pop and S gave her money,
she came back with a diet 7up.

in sewing we were talking about clothes,
how we needed to go shopping,
she said she had no shorts.
i said i have one pair of jeans and they're getting too big.

She looked at me and said they're getting too big ?
are you losing weight ?
I stood up and demonstrated
how there was a 2 or 3 inch gap between my hip and the waistband.
her eyes got all wide and she said what are you doing to lose all that weight ?
I didn't answer.
oh just lots of exercise ?
i looked away and said well i'm not really exercising much actually
i try to jog but it's so mucky.
i guess i walk alot, i walk everywhere.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if Syd had somewhat of an ed.

is it terrible of me to hope she does ?
so that i have someone with me to support and to support me ?

I'm an eating monster.
food is everywhere and i'm not resisting.
it reminds me of this show i saw one time
this guy was eating chips,
and he was looking at the chip and saying in a monotone,
fake voice
"oh no stop no doon't"
as he put the chip in his mouth
and then smiled because of course he was joking
i can't remember the purpose of the episode.

but it reminds me of me now.
my mind is going oh no please don't do that you can still stop now
but my body is saying you've already started so there's no point stopping now
til you've eaten everything you can possibly crave.

and the weight goes up.

i nearly wanted to cry at S's house
when his fancy new scale showed i was 127.8
i was like WHAT THE FUCK
mine said the day before
(and i hadn't eaten much that day or that night or the morning)
like 125.

i donno.
i don't weigh myself all day,
generally in the morning or before a  shower at night
and i don't get exact numbers.
i need to get a new scale.

i might just get a damn bike.
a nice turquoise old-school looking one
like i've wanted for the longest time
except i just can't see myself on a bike most of the time xD
iduhno i might just get one it'd make mobility easier.

So for the first time i bought condoms.
i chased S off to go get a smoothie near shoppers
i didn't want to tell him i was buying some for myself,
just to keep around.
and besides, i want to be safe.
and i wanted to get some badass coloured ones xD
like seriously.
if i'm gonna actually buy condoms,

It's strange how uncomfortable
like borderline "I'll kick your ass if you stick it in me naked"
i am with unprotected sex.
like in my mind,
boy + girl + horniness + condoms = sex.
not boy + girl + horniness - condoms.
that = you ain't getting any.

except the 3 times i've had sex i haven't used protection.
it grosses me out everytime.
the first time i did say no,
(to otherC)
but he did anyways.

the second time was in a fucking forest in the rain xD
against a tree.
that was hot actually.
i did want that although in the back of my mind i was still alittle uncomfortable
but not freaked just kind of like ew id rather have a condom.

3rd time i'd said no actually.
but you know stuff happened and we both got too in the mood aha
and we did.

and i won't get graphic,
but i am NOT going to complain about that one =P
just oh jeeze.

i could really turn this blog into a sordid sex diary =P
but i'll spare you.
haha i'll only plague you with vague comments or descriptions
i won't go into detail haha.

lol i bought tropical coloured & flavoured durex condoms.
haven't used any yet.

but when i got home, i'm such a noob,
i took a condom out and played with it haha.
so i figured hell let's figure this shit out while i'm alone.

i giggled like a british schoolgirl. xD

but it was interesting.
i'm definitely excited for the whole condom deal now
because now i don't have to worry about all this no-condom shiz xD
because it's always been my personal rule not to go without.
and now i don't ever intend to.

i'll stop now.
about the sexy sexy thaaangs ;D

i blame the chinese food by the by.
i had a couple handfuls of popcorn after the movie
that was about it for the day,
i think i had cereal in the morning.

but then i got home and nana and papa told me about the chinese food
and the spring roll they'd saved me.

at least i used a side plate,
so there were smaller portions.

but then i had 2 small bowls of cereal,
oreo cakesters,
and sooo much more popcorn.

and today i've had cereal,
chinese food again,
alittle popcorn,
i know i want ice cream later.
i'll try to resist food until then though.
but grawrl i still wanna eat.
ewww i'm so gross.

i have to get out to nanaimo tomorrow to hand out resumes
everywhere is hiring now so i have to get out there.
hopefully nana and papa will take me out
i don't really want to have to take the bus myself =P
i need a fucking job.