My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

yay me. =]
now if only i could stop fighting with S about this.
i've grown up in a female dominant family,
and i already feel protective of my not-really-there-yet bump.
over-protective. fiercely so.
and selfish. i really don't wanna share her.
i know i will.
but fuck, i just wish someone would let me be selfish.

s wants to redeem his childhood by being an amazing father
except he's making it into a contest.
and i hate it.
i wanna kick him in the fucking teeth and tell him
get lost it's all mine.

i can't though, i guess.
it'd be more helpful if he didn't want it,
to be honest.

mom wants him to move in.
i don't, because we'll just fight incessantly.

i just keep crying and getting stressed out.
i'm so tired all the time.

and i'm so so scared i'll lose this baby.
i find myself stroking my tummy protectively all the time.
i'm scared.
i'm irrational.
i'm bipolar, from the hormones.
i'm not myself.

but i'm myself and a baby.

wanna hear my names ?
I really want a girl, (Porcelain Dahlia, called Portia or Dolly)
but my boy name is kickass. (Harley Laken Scott, but called Laken.)
i would love to see a boy made by me,
but i wanta  girl so so bad.
so much more fun, and i'm so girly,
just please give me a girl.
i'll have my boy later.
please ?
all the other girls are having girls,
so please let this be the only trend i follow.

so excited. <3


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

but i saw this beautifully fascinating website,
and i believe i just had to stop by and create an account.
i'll work on it in a bit.

Crying. AndCrying.

I'm sitting in an empty classroom,
alternately growling and sobbing.
which is quieter than i want to do.
I want to rave against the depravity and idiocy of mankind
i want to scream and jump and shout and shriek and wail

why do i feel these strong anxious frustrated emotions ?

i hate Bell.
yes, that's it, the source of all my frustration,
BellMobility sucks donkey dink.
maybe it's partially PMS that's making me so sensitive,
but i had hopes that i wouldn't get my period,
and be pregnant instead.
that's another story.

back to how much i want to destroy Bell.

i got this new phone i picked out
and impatiently awaited a week ago
the Samsung Impact, through Bell
we got it at StupidStore, where we norms get our phones.
just simple, and decent plans generally.
and so i was all stoked for this sexy touch screen phone
with all these rad things my last one didn't have.
think a step above normal phones, half a step behind androids.

and so i get home early yesterday, after a mexican dinner,
and i plug it in, and charge it, and then i try to call bell
but they don't have 24 hour service.
their hours are 9 to 5. monday to friday.
i'm in school 8 to 830 !
so i get scott to go online (while i'm on the phone with him)
to activate it that way.
apparently it's 30 dollars to activate a cellphone via phone.
and free online.
but the goddamn page won't finish loading,
he tried it 3 times and it kept freezing
and saying bell was experiencing tech problems
which is bullshit, what kind of service provider has tech problems,
all night and through most of the day.
(still not working atm. although that could be b/c of
the block on the school computers.)

so here i am at school, no cellphone,
trying to think of what to do.
i emailed scott the necessary info,
he'll try when he gets home online again.
i'm hoping it's just the computer block on school comps
that won't load the activation page
i'm hoping that maybe Beni's iphone will work
iduhno, i'd think it would work,
but imma ask her if she'll let me try/thinks it will work
i'm hoping it does.
i just want my fucking phone. jesus christ.

PS, mom bought me a 25 dollar card
to go with my 15$ bonus activation credit
and i am NOT paying 30 dollars to call in and
hook the bitch up like that.
if it comes to that,
i will scream my way to a free activation,
like i SHOULD get.

and yea, back to the pregnancy thing,
had a strange and new occurrence happen
while i was with scott,
and i had hoped (a big inner part of me did)
that i would come out from it pregnant.
but iduhno, i believe in fate,
and i'm not sure fate says it's my time yet.
though i want a baby =[
i'm smart enough to be able to make it work,
and actually succeed if i made an effort, to go farther
than just a teen mom on welfare.
i guess i'll just have to wait.
i am not bein an old momma though,
i want a baby by 24. xD

well, at least i stopped crying.
i'm still pissed though.

Child ?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

So, I realized today that i have fears equivolent to
that of a 3-6 year old child.
they're scared of the dark, sleeping alone, and monsters.

fear of the undead (zombies) : kinemortophobia
fear of ghosts/spectres/apparitions : spectrophobia
irrational fear of the dark/what's in the dark : achluphobia

and i think i read a long time in a dean koontz book (called False Memory)
that Autophobia has 3 aspects or potential meanings.
1. Fear of being alone
2. Fear of being in a crowd
3. Fear of oneself.

By the way, read False Memory, it was amazing.
but i am definitely not so great when i'm alone.

momma goes to see her boyfriend on the weekends,
so i get about 72 hours or more alone,
me and the cats.
who basically ignore me the majority of the time.

do i stand at my wind peering through the blinds in semi-darkness,
searching for and terrified i'll find a zombie ?
yes, yes i do.

do i avoid sleeping until i'm almost passing out or on the phone ?
of course.

so i sleep with the kitchen light on, tv on,
and in extreme cases, with my bedside lamp on ?
many, many nights.

i'm fucking tired of lying awake trembling and crying
because i'm so scared some random creature will get me.

i want it to go away,
i'm losing sleep, i'm having nightmares,
and it's ruining scary movies for me.

and don't tell me that the scary movies are the problem,
i'm addicted to scary movies,
and often it's not the movie that bothers me =P
i've been scared in the dark alot though when i was little.

though i'll admit, top movies that have cause lasting fears ::
the Grudge, the Ring, Darkness Falls, Paranormal Activity
probably the worst ones.

goddamnit i'm even sketching out in an empty classroom.

save mee. >.<