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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Is it bad that i'm actually pissed that all of a sudden everyone has angelbites ?
even C just got hers done moments after i got my fucking dahlias.

when i got angelbites,
no one had them.
there were like 3 pictures on the fucking internet of them. =/
well okay trace cyrus had them too so besides him.
3 people.

grr it's sad how possessive i was of them.
and how it still bothers me that all of a sudden they're popping up everywhere =/

I'm torn between pulling S closer and pushing him away farther.
I want to just cry to him and make him make everything alright.
but i don't want to be the clingy fucking girlfriend.
but trying NOT to be clingy,
i know i'm going to hurt myself in the process.
i just feel so much for him.
it's scaring me a bit.

i guess i'm starting to get scary.
i had to bite my finger today while studying in the library

today i got home after being with S and just felt numb.
i got to my room and i just kept cutting
and it just didn't feel like enough.
even though it was the best i've had in awhile.

it didn't feel like enough.

i was actually tracing lines down my veins.
that's what scared me.
i didn't cut,
but it was like my mind was toying with the idea.

because i don't want to just cut in my neat little lines anymore
i need change.

i'm such a fucking creep. =P


I've shoved my stiletto up the ass of the stupid bitch in my head
telling me that if i fast i'll fail.

i'm joining Hungry For Change, run by the lovely Adeline and a girl named Madz
i'm not sure i'm familiar with her =P

but anyways,
everyone's fasting for a certain purpose.
against physical abuse, against racism,
or for peace, or in my case love.
it starts tomorrow.

i'm trying a liquid fast for 7 days.
and i will do it.
my goal is to make it 3 days.
but i figure if i make it over the 3 day hump,
it should be easy cruising ?

i'm fasting for Love.
love of oneself, and love for others.

just because what better cause to support than love.

expect many more blogs.
and i'll be carrying around a fucking notebook to distract me xD
i'm not going to let my cravings get the better of me.

I texted Winnie to see if she'd get me smokes
but she hasn't answered back. x.x

i might just give up and text buddy in another day.
i want my fucking cancer sticks,
so shut the fuck up.

wow, belated nic-out rages much ?

you should all join tonight.

wish me luck,
i could really use it.


I ate about a cup of brown beans with tofu dogs chopped in it
that was for dinner at 730.

i didn't eat before,
i haven't eaten since.

i just feel gross,
i shouldn't have eaten it.
i didn't want anything.

not hungry.



C got her hair done.
she looks more fucking gorgeous than ever
and it hurts me so much that she's not in my life.

kind of had an argument with S today
i've been grouchy,
and he was grouchy today
but he just seemed vaguely upset to me

i don't know i'm not making sense.

point is
i'm mad at him right now.
and he feels bad because he feels like he was an ass today.
he wasn't extremely.

but i duhno i get to see him like once a week or two outside of school
and i just want him all to myself for as long as possible when i do get him
so yes i get vaguely offended when he tries to get out of spending more time with me.

something as simple as "want to come over for a bit ?"
(since we saw the early movie, and it kinda sucked.)
and him saying no,
just hurt me.


doctor's appointment tomorrow finally.
not going to school even though the appt is at 10
i'm mad at S so i don't really want to see him too often.
and then he's going to do things for Mikki wednesday at lunch and last block
thursday i would get to see him lunch and last block
(if i fucking wanted to.)
friday he wanted to spend the night
(though he made it seem more like it was a favour to me.)
and when he told me about mikki i said i was probably busy friday.

so fuck it.
i just don't think i'm going to make at all of an effort to see him this week.
in fact i think i'll try and avoid him.

my heart's doing this wierd beating thing.
where it beats irregularly
like PUMPPUMP silent beat PUMP beat beat
i think it's heart palpitations ?
but i dont know what it's called.

i'll get my blood tested tomorrow or something.

for today i'm just tired.


Sunday, May 30, 2010

I had a dream last night
that I'd asked my auntie buddy to buy me smokes

i want smokes so bad.

i'm stuck n a terrible cycle of eat eat eat eat
there's just food everywhere that tastes good so i eat it
and i dont stop
nothing can stop me
how do i stop ?
i'm getting scared. =[

i just don't know how to pull myself out of this.

And I don't know how to stop crying
over my lack of smokes.

All i want is to curl up on my couch with a good book,
a cup of chai tea,
and a fucking cigarette.


I feel like a fucking post-whore.
i think i just feel the need to post more on weekends.
so sorryyy,
just don't read if you can't handle my insanity at the moment.
love you all. =P

but iduhno.
i'm just on the edge of crying
i keep getting teary,
and then getting pissed off because i'm getting teary.

things are still bothering me,
surprise surprise.
i don't want to think of how much trifle i've eaten today.
and i ate ice cream.

i saw these little metallic flip notebooks
with mini-pens attached
i should buy one,
and keep it as a food diary.
it'd make life simpler.

i just love notebooks.
i think i've mentioned my love for notebooks before =P
it's a strange addiction.
i like simple, pretty things.

i want to get a china teaset.
i used to have one,
and i want one again.
soo pretty.

what was the purpose of this post anyways.

and omg i think it's the most beautiful thing i've ever eaten.
i think i've already eaten a quarter of the trifle.
then i can't fucking feed myself anymore.

i'll leave you with thinspo ?
since i've forgotten my original reason for posting.


I just remembered the purpose of this post.
it was to bitch about how i want fucking smokes xD

i'm kind of toying with the idea of asking my auntie buddy to buy them
i don't know anyone else who would
buddy miight,
i never thought to ask her before.
but i'm kind of nervous to ask her at the same time =P
maybe i'll text her.
but i'm not sure.

fuck fuck fuck wantttt.


Saturday, May 29, 2010

- I want my fucking extensions to get here already. 
- I want my hair turquoise again. 
- I want to not be weak and fat. 
- I want to exert better control over myself. 
- I want to get a job. 
- I want to graduate high school.
- I want to be a better person. 
- I want to be beautiful, smart, kind, caring, thin, intellectual, driven, loved.


There are bloggers out there with 300+ subscribers
and i get excited when i see i have a sixth. =P
i'm still happy you've decided to follow me,
all of you lovely people.

i'd like to get to know you all better ?

add my msn.

i'm definitely not inspiring today.

i've always sucked at fasting.
which is why i'm so good at restricting.
hence restricting,
rather than fasting.

yet i keep trying to fast
and then it turns to an all-day binge.

god, what did i even eat today.

didn't wake up til 2,
woke up with a migraine.

drank some vitamin water,
made ginger peach tea.

made a tuna sandwich on a hot dog bun,
so at least it was small.

i made another an hour or two later.

then i had two oreo cakesters.
i only wanted one.
of course.

i had a butter tart.

i had some grapes

i had a yogurt

i had some raspberries

then for dinner
a (thin) tuna sandwich on regular bread
and some scalloped potatoes
with some vegetables.

and i know i'm having trifle later.

i want to cry,
i want to rage,
be upset.

but i feel too numb about it.
like i've just kept eating.

at least i haven't been continuously stuffing myself
i did eat everything spaced out
unlike yesterday where i ate until i hurt all day.

workout tonight.
i WILL fucking do it.
and clean my fucking hovel.

and then tomorrow i have to look amazing
because i'm going to S's birthday dinner.

it turned from "oh my mom wants you over for dinner tomorrow"
to oh it's my birthday dinner
to oh now it's at my grampa's place

so now i'm meeting his mom dad and grampa.
christ, i have to look my bestest.

his father hates piercings xD
so i have to make sure i'm on my best "parents" attitude
no parent i've ever met has ever not loved me though.

i guess i'll try and shower tomorrow,
wake up before fucking noon xD
and i'll curl my hair,
do some pretty smokey makeup
(not too much, not too little)
and i duhno what i'll wear.
i'll have to raid my closet tonight.

least i'm a vegetarian
he wants me to bring some veggie dogs
i'll just tell him i thought i'd had some but didn't.

on another subject.
as if i didn't already think it wouldn't be hard to find me out
somebody from prettythin just added me on facebook i'm sure
i have a friend on prettythin called mintyoreos,
and some girl that looks similar has that in her name.

mehhh i did have a mini panic second.
but whatever.

so long as no one i know actually finds this blog.

too much is personal,
too much is what i wouldn't want people to see.

it's funny,
because i can spill it all to you because you can relate
and because i don't actually know you
i don't have to hide anything from you

yet i have to act the stronger person to everyone i know.
and i STILL feel like a drama queen.

DidIMention ?

that S's friend from Urban Planet
she was like a fucking 00.
no joke.
i was actually scared by how skinny she looked 0.o
i mean great thinspo.
but holy shit.
if she's not ana then i've got no fucking clue what's wrong with her body.
because it's not even naturally thin
she was like"if you touch me i'll break" skinny.
like how all the fashion models used to be (and still are sometimes)

and that Kashi protein and fibre cereal is god.

and Aquafina plus water
is like actually really good for fasting,
just a tip.

cuz they're either low-cal or 0-cal,
and the water is like kind of almost thick feeling ?
so it feels more substantial than water
second fave to Vitamin Water.


I think the reason the whole thing with otherC upsets me
is because he claimed to be totally in love with me
he told me he loved me more than anyone else.

and yet he didn't seem to care for me.

when he wanted to have sex,
he ignored my attempts to say no.

i almost started crying while watching Nightmare on Elm Street
because at one part Freddy says
"your mouth says no,
but your body says yes."

i can't quite remember 100%.
i've kinda blocked the event.
but i'm pretty sure he said that to me at the time.
either that or implied it,
because i know he tried to work my body into saying yes
even though i was trying to say no.

when we had sex,
he just seemed more concerned with how he felt.
and he just let off on my stomach,
and then  like halfheartedly cleaned me up.
he took a tissue and like whiped,
and then left the rest.
and then obsessively attended to himself.

and he was always trying to get my hand down his pants,
and i just wasn't comfortable enough with him,
i was constantly scared.
i thought it was normal at the time,
because i was so inexperienced.

i know now from being with S that it wasn't just inexperience.
i really just wasn't comfortable or ready.
and he just didn't care.

i hate that he pretended he did.
tried to use it to his advantage.

fucking argh.
i don't know how i'll forget this,
but i wish i could.
it's too much hurt.

sorry for the tmi post.
i tried to substitute words,
and like omit some comments.
but the things he did just hurt because he didn't care about me.


Friday, May 28, 2010

Those shorts looked impossibly tiny.
like they couldn't possibly fit my absolutely massive hips.

but a size 0 is like,
24 inch hips.

i'm only 2 and a half inches off.
so i guess i could be a 0.

i mean iduhno,
it's like i always think in my mind of how my weight will correspond with size

130, size 7.
125, size 5.
120, size 3.
115, size 1.
110, size 0.

that's in and around what my size should be compared to my weight
i mean i might not lose all my weight off my hips
but really, there's only maybe 5 pounds total to lose off my upper body.
not counting boobs though haha.
i'm a 32D pree much so there's a bit of weight there.
leaving the rest to be about 10-15 off my hips and legs.
which i would not doubt in the slightest.
because there is alot of fat all along my legs,
and my hips and ass are sooo flub.

like really.
what makes me uncomfortable about sex with S
is my fucking fat thighs.
i mean it baffles me that guys love their girlfriends bodies
because i'm so grossed out by my thighs.
i almost want to bar him from undressing me until i lose another 10 pounds xD

i need to get into regular exercise,
so then at least if i'm eating like a fucking pig,
i'll burn off enough to still be losing.
i think my only problem with being unsatisfied with my weight
is that i am so damn impatient.

i could eat normally,
exercise 3 times a week,
and i'd lose the 15/20 pounds and get down to 110 or so
in like a month or two.

but that's toooo slow for me.
i want it all fucking gone now now now.
hate it.

it was turquoise suede and it had a gorgeous cut and fit
it was an expensive jacket, $300 xD
but oh my god it would be worth every fucking penny.
i have never wanted a jacket more.
i don't get attached to jackets.
kay sorry.
but wow.

haha and omgggg the shoooooes.
when i get a job,
i'm going to have the best wardrobe xD
and i think i want to get a blackberry.
one with a full keyboard mind you.
and one that i know i can easily find sexy cases for.

haha oh god..
i need a job.
i have such expensive tastes.
i don't mean to,
i just realize after that what i like is expensive.
what can i say but i am a Taurus.


I see a gorgeous turquoise suede jacket from across the mall.
run squealing to fondle said jacket.
pet it and exclaim pretttyyyy.
turn over price tag,
and blink unsurprisedly at the 300 dollar label.

ex. 2.

I adore vodka,
mixed with anything it is the sexiest booze ever.
one time my friend gave me a shot of vodka she said was amazing.
i decided that was the most amazing godly nectar to pass my lips ever.
it was Grey Goose.
the expensive vodka.

ex. 3.

most gorgeous flowers i've ever seen in my life
sooo so pretty, elegant, attractive, unusual, unique,
simplement magnifique.
they're orchids.
it's 20 bucks for 1 orchid.

the list goes on and on,
but basically whenever i see something and fall in love with it on sight
it's going to be very expensive.
i have a taste for fine things,
and i just can't seem to be satisfied with any less.
which is why i need a job. xD

i've been writing up a guideline for my path to perfection
after i saw Adeline's post from Vanishing Point
all about elegance and how to be the woman she wants to be
i'll post that when i've written it out better.

I read all you lovely ladies' blogs,
see your pretty names,
be they put on or natural.
and it makes me want to tell you my name sooo baaad.
i adore my name.
at one point i didn't like it because it was too different.

but i've learned to love it for it's uniqueness,
and it really is such a beautiful combination of names.
i wish i could tell you all.
maybe one day.
I guess it shouldn't be too much of a secret,
i wouldn't be surprised if some already knew.
but i'll keep my mouth shut for now.


S dragged me into Urban Planet yesterday before the movie
because he wanted to talk to an old friend

as soon as we reached the door i was lost in gorgeous short shorts =P
I picked up a couple pairs and held them to myself to gauge my size
not a 3, but a 5 yes.
which is not bad for this moment, no.
i looked at the 1s longingly.
i picked up a 0 and my jaw almost dropped.

i could maybe physically possibly do a 1 without looking scary emaciated
with my body type.
i have fairly wide hips.

but jesus christ i had no idea 0 was so tiny.
the power in being that size,
of owning the number whenever someone asked
"Oh, what size are your jeans love ?"
The look back over the shoulder,
confident quirky smile,
hair flip,
"I'm a zero."

the fucking power in that.

because the 0 shorts were the size of my waist.
no matter how much weight i lose off my ass i don't think i could
be a 0.

at least if i'm a 1.
nobody is a one anymore
unless they're a little tweenie who hasn't finished puberty yet
(like i was and like most every other tweenie.)

i considered trying a pair f shorts on
(S told me to as well)
but then i told him it was not the right time to try things on.
hint ?
he didn't pick up so i'm glad,
because it was made subconsciously,
i think i'm close enough as is to him figuring out about my eating problem.

and his friend Syd.
well, she's my friend from sewing too
but he knows her better =P

Syd is slightly overweight.
she only ever wears baggy clothing.
i've never seen her without a baggy shirt or hoodie on

she always mentions how fat she is
(to which i replied of course you're not fucking fat darling.
Meanwhile thinking i had to fucking lose weight.)

today she was hanging with me and S at lunch
she wanted a pop and S gave her money,
she came back with a diet 7up.

in sewing we were talking about clothes,
how we needed to go shopping,
she said she had no shorts.
i said i have one pair of jeans and they're getting too big.

She looked at me and said they're getting too big ?
are you losing weight ?
I stood up and demonstrated
how there was a 2 or 3 inch gap between my hip and the waistband.
her eyes got all wide and she said what are you doing to lose all that weight ?
I didn't answer.
oh just lots of exercise ?
i looked away and said well i'm not really exercising much actually
i try to jog but it's so mucky.
i guess i walk alot, i walk everywhere.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if Syd had somewhat of an ed.

is it terrible of me to hope she does ?
so that i have someone with me to support and to support me ?

I'm an eating monster.
food is everywhere and i'm not resisting.
it reminds me of this show i saw one time
this guy was eating chips,
and he was looking at the chip and saying in a monotone,
fake voice
"oh no stop no doon't"
as he put the chip in his mouth
and then smiled because of course he was joking
i can't remember the purpose of the episode.

but it reminds me of me now.
my mind is going oh no please don't do that you can still stop now
but my body is saying you've already started so there's no point stopping now
til you've eaten everything you can possibly crave.

and the weight goes up.

i nearly wanted to cry at S's house
when his fancy new scale showed i was 127.8
i was like WHAT THE FUCK
mine said the day before
(and i hadn't eaten much that day or that night or the morning)
like 125.

i donno.
i don't weigh myself all day,
generally in the morning or before a  shower at night
and i don't get exact numbers.
i need to get a new scale.

i might just get a damn bike.
a nice turquoise old-school looking one
like i've wanted for the longest time
except i just can't see myself on a bike most of the time xD
iduhno i might just get one it'd make mobility easier.

So for the first time i bought condoms.
i chased S off to go get a smoothie near shoppers
i didn't want to tell him i was buying some for myself,
just to keep around.
and besides, i want to be safe.
and i wanted to get some badass coloured ones xD
like seriously.
if i'm gonna actually buy condoms,

It's strange how uncomfortable
like borderline "I'll kick your ass if you stick it in me naked"
i am with unprotected sex.
like in my mind,
boy + girl + horniness + condoms = sex.
not boy + girl + horniness - condoms.
that = you ain't getting any.

except the 3 times i've had sex i haven't used protection.
it grosses me out everytime.
the first time i did say no,
(to otherC)
but he did anyways.

the second time was in a fucking forest in the rain xD
against a tree.
that was hot actually.
i did want that although in the back of my mind i was still alittle uncomfortable
but not freaked just kind of like ew id rather have a condom.

3rd time i'd said no actually.
but you know stuff happened and we both got too in the mood aha
and we did.

and i won't get graphic,
but i am NOT going to complain about that one =P
just oh jeeze.

i could really turn this blog into a sordid sex diary =P
but i'll spare you.
haha i'll only plague you with vague comments or descriptions
i won't go into detail haha.

lol i bought tropical coloured & flavoured durex condoms.
haven't used any yet.

but when i got home, i'm such a noob,
i took a condom out and played with it haha.
so i figured hell let's figure this shit out while i'm alone.

i giggled like a british schoolgirl. xD

but it was interesting.
i'm definitely excited for the whole condom deal now
because now i don't have to worry about all this no-condom shiz xD
because it's always been my personal rule not to go without.
and now i don't ever intend to.

i'll stop now.
about the sexy sexy thaaangs ;D

i blame the chinese food by the by.
i had a couple handfuls of popcorn after the movie
that was about it for the day,
i think i had cereal in the morning.

but then i got home and nana and papa told me about the chinese food
and the spring roll they'd saved me.

at least i used a side plate,
so there were smaller portions.

but then i had 2 small bowls of cereal,
oreo cakesters,
and sooo much more popcorn.

and today i've had cereal,
chinese food again,
alittle popcorn,
i know i want ice cream later.
i'll try to resist food until then though.
but grawrl i still wanna eat.
ewww i'm so gross.

i have to get out to nanaimo tomorrow to hand out resumes
everywhere is hiring now so i have to get out there.
hopefully nana and papa will take me out
i don't really want to have to take the bus myself =P
i need a fucking job.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I hate this.
i don't know if it's PMS,
or if i'm really just super mood swingy.

you know how they say that childbirth is the most painful experience ?
but this hormone is let into your body afterwards
so you forget the feeling and you can have more kids

i think my mind is like that with bad experiences.
i can remember with my mind,
but i don't feel it anymore.

I don't want to leave Pville.
I don't want to leave S.
i want to keep going with school,
go to sewing again next year,
I want to get a job this weekend,

but for now i don't wanna leave !

i just need a longboard.
or at least a fucking bike
so i can just get away from here when i want

i only live about 45 minute walk from town

it's just such a daunting distance.


hoping tomorrow isn't a gray day like today.
i'm hoping tomorrow to let out my inner sex kitten ;D
ahaha but literally.
cuz i'm spending the day at S's house after Bio xD
and before we FINALLY go to see

yea. i'm a horror movie addict.
like severely.

oh and not to mention the fact that
will be
at my boyfriends
in his house
with him
for hours




Et les larmes venir. Où est mon rocher, maintenant? Je suis une souris peu peur, en se cachant et en attendant un jour meilleur.

My papa scares me so much. 
he's always been the nicest, most caring giving person i know. 
but i've been seeing a side of him lately 
i've only heard tell about. 

mom used to tell me all the terrible stories of her childhood.
the drunken rages, 
the beatings, 
all of that. 

but he's my fucking grandfather. 
how could i have seen any of that ?

why is he so angry today ?

i'm so scared. 

i came to hide in my trailer and sobbed like a little girl. 
i didn't know i had so many tears in me.

i'm terrified. 
I wish i had somewhere to go from here. 

I want my baby. 
i wish he could come save me but he can't.

i can't even hope for a random saviour in M
since Mikki got so upset last time we hung out
we haven't talked since the day after prom.

i hate being stuck in nowhere.
there's nowhere to run that ha can't get me.

i want my mommy. 
je suis une souris peu peur. 
tres, tres peur. 

but at least i will be une souris maigre, aussi. 
fuck this fat shit. 
i've gained up to something over 125, 
i didn't check but i knew it was over
this morning i was 125 after fasting
and then i had chili for lunch, 
nothing for dinner. 
i'm about 123 now. 

tomorrow i should be back to 120, 
and on from there. 

i'm getting no more fuck ups. 
food is no comfort to me anymore. 

mice need eat nothing more than petite bread crumbs
et aussi petite pieces de fromages. 

i won't eat much more either. 

excuse my french, 
i'm still dreadfully terrible in grammar. 
but i love it so much i try. 
c'est tres belle. 

i'm going to head off to my comfy bed. 
i'll play pretend under the covers with my book and my kitten
i'll imagine there is no scary monster with the two faces
and tomorrow i can escape for another day to be with S. 

i think i'm going to find more excuses to stay away from here now on. 

somehow i don't believe S will be pleased with the past 3 days' worth of cuts
he'll find out tomorrow, 
because i know he won't be able to resist undressing me once we're alone. 

so long as he holds me. 
he can get as mad or upset as he wants, 
so long as he holds me until the fears are gone for awhile.

I like the slight anonymity i get 
with posting satuses in french.


Monday, May 24, 2010

Sometimes i wish i could purge.

I don't manically binge.
my "binges" generally consist of regular eating.
or eating various foods but in small quantities.

i wish i could shove my finger down my throat
and expel all the pain and disgust and fat and evil.

i'm sure it would give me the same feeling as cutting.
i've heard it related.

i've thrown up before

before when i had no dedication to dieting
i've purged a couple times.
one time after i'd eaten a packet of mr noodles.
i remember that i'd had to pull long strings of noodles from my throat
i remember the feeling of it all sliding back up
like sickly worms infecting my insides.

i couldn't touch mr noodles for months after that.
really, it should be great psychology to throw up after you eat something.
for an anorexic though.
it has not much effect on a bulimic,
who will return again to the same foods for comfort.

an anorexic would be disgusted and pleased with finding another reason
another food to cut off the list
to throw into the pile of no worries.

i'm self destructive.
that isn't too great of a surprise.

i believe i'm slowly running myself into the ground.
i'm not good enough to really be great at anything.
i don't have dedication and motivation.

the only thing stopping me from dying
is i see no purpose to death.

people always talk about pessimists vs optimists.
have you never thought of how there must be some middleman ?

i am said man.
or wo-man, rather.

i tried to use this as making a point to an ex of mine.

i don't see the water glass as half empty or half full.
i see the glass as a half glass of water.
i suppose some could argue that just referring to it as half a glass of water
would make me a pessimist,
because it's in the negative.

but i simply see the glass as being half.
it isn't half full,
it isn't half empty.
it's just half.
it is both.
it is neither.

i am the middleman.

i am the walrus.

i am a walrus.

i gained 5 pounds back.

i am a lousy girlfriend.

i am a waste of space,
i don't see the purpose to my being born.

as ridiculous as it is
i was actually pondering my existence last night.

what great impression could i possibly make on anyone's life ?
why on earth would i have been born in the first place ?

my mother had had one miscarriage before me
why was i not a miscarriage as well ?

what is my reason for being given a free pass to life ?

the ancient aztecs would ritually pierce their tongues
in order to communicate with the gods.
the bringing of blood summoned them,
and it being on their tongue would make their language that much easier to understand.

i would like to gain some sort of enlightenment from my cutting.

i suppose i do,
in a way.

i don't have a therapist,
though mom tried to get me to see a counselor.

i have Sally.
we have our chats.
I let it all spill out,
she tells me the honest truth,
reprimands me for my idiocy,
but always makes me feel better.

i am the middleman with the walrus waist.


I'd been waiting to post pictures until i'd gotten my extensions
and made the corset to go with it 

but i'm not sure i'm going to be able to get to the corset 
and i don't know when i'm getting my extensions. 
(hopefully soon T.T)

So this was a skirt of my own design, 
i used no patterns, 
i even made the bow =P

didn't turn out exactly as i'd imagined
but i'm extremely proud of it, 
and i adore it. 

maybe i'll take more pictures another time. =]

my label, if i ever get one, 
will be called 
"cut along the dotted lines"
my signature is a cut out heart. 

more pictures of my other designs soon. 

ThirtyNine. (39.)

C cut 39 times.


Forget the fucking fact that alot of my cuts have been based in part
on the trials and tribulations of the wonderfully fucked up C.
and the fucking asshole otherC.


She needs to get the fuck over that stupid fucking asshole
who shall not be named.

i want to ask how she can be so hung up on someone
who's screwed her over so many times in like 2 years.

but i know the feeling exactly.
because i get the same shit from her.

I'm done with Chilliwack.
Nobody from Chilliwack even misses me,
no one cares that i'm not there.

so fuck it all.


Had a mini spazz-attack yesterday.
well i think i must be pms-ing or sth
because i got intense ridiculous mood swings yesterday.

i was like totally hystericaly happy
then without warning one little thing
would piss me off and i wanted to punch someone
then i'd start crying because i didn't like the mood swings.
and for whatever other reason upset me.

and when im mood-swingy,
i don't know when to stop my sarcastic humour
and i just get mean, i know.

i was already feeling like an asshole,
and trying to ride out one of my angry moments
without snapping on S
and then he all of  a sudden signed out
after i'd said something that sounded mean

i flipped
i got so upset
if my sister wasn't staying over i KNOW i would've cut
i remember wanting to tear the shit out of my wrist.
it was all i could think about til i fell asleep
and then all i could think about when i woke up
was how much of an asshole i am,
and i worried S was mad at me
i totally hated myself.

then i charged my phone and turned it on,
since it had died just a bit after i'd fallen asleep
and there were like 4 messages from S.
2 last night,
1 saying his internet didn't work,
and that he "heart"ed me more than he could ever explain
one that said sweet dreams, he misses me.

then two in the morning,
one saying morning baby,
and the other saying i heartchu

i definitely felt relieved.
but god, i was so upset.

it's probably a good thing dee was over.
but being the self-hating personage that i am
i would much rather have seen some blood flow.

yesterday i considered buying an x-acto knife when i'm in town next.
at least it'd have a new sharper blade.

i've been having nightmares
for the past couple of nights.
i don't really remember them
i pretty much forget them as soon as i wake
i just remember that i wake up breathing hard and ready to cry.
i don't understand why i'm having nightmares.
i haven't been eating before bed.

at Icing i saw the fucking cutest thing ever
i prolly already mentioned it.
but it's like this shiny white-and-gray leopard print flask
it could be like my thing xD
and it's just the right size
so i could buy a thing of grey goose
fill my flask before every party
and have my grey goose last a long time
but there'd be enough for every party that i'd still get drunk ;D

so yea.
next time i'm at the mall i'm buying that.

and i'm rying on jeans next time at the mall.
scary ?
but i don't think so =P
i'm still losing,
so it's all good.

AllForYou, MyDaisy.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

My kitten likes to lie with her head in my hand.

i'm feeling vaguely philosophical,
un petit peu poetique.

my sister is coming over today.

i want my boyfriend to come over after work.

i've eaten 2 pieces of pizza and  swedish berries.

i want to be an amazing intellect with passion unchecked
and get enough work done in french and writing
to feel comfprtable about passing.

i love Tegan and Sara.

I love that my grandparents finally anticipate m my love of vitamin water.
they bought me some without asking.
merci beaucoup, mes grandparents.
j'adore vous.

my handrwiting looks as if it were made for the french language.

i love that i dot every I with a heart.

I love that its raining.



I ate about ...
almost a thousand calories yesterday.
but i dono i have wiggle room.

i had 3/4 of an applesauce (60.)

and then S came over and i didn't eat until like 7
but we ordered pizza
i figured i'd be okay since i just hit 120
and since it was a weekend,
my limits always have to be higher,
so long as i'm still getting exercise.

so i ate 3 slices of vegetarian pizza.

but what i'm thinking is if fucking DOMINO'S pizza is 200
then the slices i ate of better less greasy veggie pizza
should have been about 250 each, 300 tops.
but i'm thinking 250 really.
i was having bigger slices than the portion they showed on caloriegallery
so that's why i say 250.

which would mean i would have eaten between
810 and 960 calories.
which for a weekend, really isn't that bad.

haha and i've heard that kissing burns calories
and sex burns calories
(though we didn't quite get that far haha)
and i walked down and uphill to meet S
i got enough exercise to have brought that down to a smaller amount.

so yea, i had S over yesterday.
we didn't do much,
watched this star wars marathon
(or rather didn't ;D )

I proved what i'd already figured
which was that biting his neck turns him on even more than kissing it
which is already alot xD

so i had lots of fun with that,
i adore being a tease xD
and i just like biting and kissing his neck.

but things did get kind of extremely bad at one point.
he said it as kind of a joke,
but kind of serious
he asked if i wanted to fuck
(it's a bit of an inside joke)
and i just kind of stopped.

i wanted to,
but i was scared to.
so i stopped for a second and asked if that was a serious question
because he'd been quiet for awhile after he'd said it.
he said it was serious if i wanted it to be,
and not if i didn't.
i asked what he'd meant when he said it
and he said he meant what i wanted.
so i tried to think it all through
and i eventually just said i don't know.
S, being his usual amazing caring self
reassured me that was perfectly okay,
he didn't want anything until i was ready.
i said i know.

a minute after i told him i had to get up for a second
i got up off the couch and grabbed my water from the kitchen,
went and sat in the bathroom to think.
i drank my water,
tried not to cry,
tried to think,
rocked alittle on the counter.

you can't imagine how much more i hated otherC
for screwing up my head so badly.
i don't know if i ever described how bad it was after we had sex.
before, during, after, all terrible memories.
he wasn't nice about it,
he wasn't caring,
he "tricked me into it"
(as S later said.)
and i just felt so disgusted with myself.
i hated myself,
i hated what i'd done,
i hated otherC,
when previously i'd loved him.

i wanted to throw up,
but it wouldn't come.
i left immediately for the bathroom,
because i didn't want to cry in front of him.
i grabbed a towel,
turned on the shower,
climbed in,
tried to think.

but thought wouldn't come.

i ended up rocking on the floor of the shower,
clutching my knees to my chest harder and harder
sobbing more than i have in a long time.
and all i could think was how it had felt so so wrong.

i've always been afraid of getting physical with people
one of my weird shy/social anxiety quirks.
but i still tried to let things happen b/c i knew that was the only way
i'd ever get over things.

after that with otherC.
i'd get flashbacks of it and gag,
and just start crying out of nowhere.
the gagging has stopped for the most part,
about a month or two later.
but i still cry when i think about it.

so poor S,
i had been in the bathroom trying to get ahold of myself long enough.
i went back to the couch
but i realized i didn't have control of myself yet.
i sat down beside S,
and he looked at me and grabbed my hands
and asked me if it was what he'd said.
told me he cared more about me than about anything we did.
i said no it wasn't him,
it was me.

he pulled me over so i was lying on him,
and i put my arms around him and buried my face in his neck.
i told him i just wanted to hold him for alittle while.

i tried so hard to stop the tears.
i managed to keep from sobbing,
but a few renegade drops slid down my face.
he kept asking me what was wrong
i kept telling him i didn't want to talk about it,
i just wanted to hold him.

he's so amazingly caring.
i love that with S i actually know for certain how much he cares about me.
(he asked me yesterday if there was even a word created 
that would mean more than "heart" that he could say to me.)

he made me move my face up so he could look at me
and when he saw that i was crying he got this sad look on his face
and he brushed them away
and told me he wanted to know what was wrong,
so he could make it better.

he tried for about an hour to open me up.
it's not easy for me to talk about what happened with otherC.

he asked me what it was about,
and i explained
(over a long period of time with great difficulty)
my fear of intimacy,
and that the last time i'd been intimate had left a bad impression.

he looked me dead in the eyes and said
what the fuck did otherC do.
i said that he hadn't really done anything,
just when we'd had sex it had been a really terrible experience.
he asked if he'd raped me.
i said no, he didn't really rape me.
he said good because i'd have to have gone up there and shitkicked him.

and then he stopped and said
the way you said that didn't sound right though.
and i said well it wasnt like rape
and he asked if he'd tricked me into it
and that sounded about right.

that's enough ridiculous details,
this post has been long enough.

S was caring,
S made everything better,
told me he'd never hurt me and that i had to be ready
before anything happened.

i stopped shaking when we got close.
which means alot.
because i do trust him.

i think i just really needed to share that whole fear with someone.
needed to get it off my chest,
and not worry about it.
because i didn't feel as scared after.
i wanted to more than before xD

but iduhno.
S isn't like anyone i've ever dated.
whereas otherC pretended he cared about me
i can tell that S does.
it's kind of weird to feel.
but i like it.

he always tells me how incredibly he's fallen for me.
and i'm falling for him faster than i would've thought.

really long ridiculous post.
you don't even have to read the part about S,
that was just a big thing then. =P

let's hope today and tomorrow
(no school)
still go well.
so that by tuesday for school
i'll be under 120
by at least 1 pound.
that is my goal for the next 3 days.


Saturday, May 22, 2010


I'M 120.
how did i manage this amazingness. 

as i stepped on the scale this morning 
i was just hoping hoping hoping for 122, 
not 123. 


omfg. =]


And S is coming over in alittle bit.
Fuck, that means i've gotta clean. 
mehhhh i'll git er done. 

I have lost 11 pounds. 
haha i'm sooo happy. 

I had 3/4 of an applesauce for breakii
60 calories. 

wish me luck on the rest of the day. 
i've gotta feed S, 
and he won't eat if i don't =/

in another couple days
by monday if i'm staying in control
then i will be under 120. 
119. then 118. 
then 117 116 115 
and just down and down from that. 



Today was actually fairly amazing. 

me and S decided to skip last block, 
so at lunch we went to the bigger city to the mall 
but we got there at like 1, 
and the movie wasn't until 7. 

so we walked for a couple hours haha. 
and laid on the grass outside and made out for awhile ;D
haha apparently he loves being kissed on the neck
i've never tried doing this to anyone before, 
believe it or not =P

i've been kissed, 
but it's rare for me to initiate. 

except i want to with S. 
Fuck, i like him an insane amount. 

the look he gets on his face when i kiss his neck 
soooo cuuuute
haha and he has adhd so he's always going going talking moving 
haha and when i kiss his neck he goes still and silent
i adore it it'ssoooo cuuute =P

i get to try biting it tomorrow
because apparently that illicits a much more dramatic response ;D
haha i'm stoked. 

yea, he's coming over to hang with me for the day tomorrow 
i'm sooo stoked =]
we get to watch movies on my couch in my room haha. 
soooo stoked. 
i like him soooo much.
it's totally unbelievable. 

i bought a new necklace today
i normally always wear one necklace, 
and i just feel naked without it 
then all of my favourite necklaces broke
so i've been without a necklace really for months 

it's one i've seen alot, but i adore it. 
a pretty little silver sparrow. 
it actually really suits me when i wear it. 

and i got some pretty new false nails, 
i'm wearing ones with white and black leopard print. 

they have white leopard print hip flasks at icing !
haha me and S were making jokes about partying yesterday

fuck i want it meowww =P
next time i get money. 

i had a mini heart attack. 
S just doesn't understand. xD

i tried on this really adorable cutout swimsuit
the top looked amazing 
the stomach and middle or whatever looked actually good
but fuck, my thighs still need sooo much work. 
apparently they're not bad though b/c most girls have worse 
and don't care 0.o

haha i peeked around the curtain to show S the top and middle
and he was like you look fucking hot. 
haha he said that when he saw me today too though 
whenever i actually dress nicely =P

anyways, im happy. 
Today i had only time for 3/4 of an applesauce (60.)
for breakfast

i had like 3 french fries with S at lunch 
(20 ?)

and then i had a large fries at McD's
but i only ate about a medium size
so that's (360.)

Total = 440.
minus all the walking walking walking we did !
so i guess tomorrow morn i'll weigh myself
fuck i'll be so happy if i'm even 122. 
it would show me i can at least keep going under 123. 
we'll see though, 
i'm getting so much better =]


Thursday, May 20, 2010

I find it ironic,
and amusing,
how my mother always worried about the wrong daughter.

I didn't even think about it until today
which is strange.

my younger sister Dee
mom was always getting me to check up on her
talk to her make sure she was okay

she'd always come to me,
worrying Dee had an eating disorder.
(No she didn't.)
worrying Dee was cutting herself.
(No she wasn't.)

It's so unbelievably ironic
that my mother was worried about my sister
doing things she never had an interest in
when i was already caught in the midst of their web.

why did she never worry about me ?

I almost would like to be so painfully skinny
that no one can help but notice i have a problem.
I'd like her to stop herself and think.

think about how she always put so much effort in
worrying about the wrong daughter.

when the one that needed her concern was right in front of her.

so she can stop and realize
that first she had worried Dee was cutting,
but whoops no that was me.

then she had worried Dee wasn't eating
whoops sorry,
that was me with the fear of food for years.
my bad.

I love my mother,
don't get me wrong,
she's my world.

but i don't know.
i just find it slightly insulting.


i feel like something's missing at the moment.
a lack of colour.
i feel like i'm still in dream world,
from sleeping.

i dreamt about S.
that's the second time this week.
I can't remember back farther,
of course.

they're such inconsequential dreams.
but i love dreaming about him.

haven't eaten.
i at the salad earlier,
but i haven't eaten since i woke up.
it's 937 and i havent eaten.

i'm enjoying the feeling of the gnawing at fat going on in my stomach.
tomorrow the scale will kiss my feet,
and the fat will fucking mourn my company.

I can't stop thinking about otherC lately.
i just keep coming up with random feelings of pain
and then they dissipate,
and it's all okay for awhile.

but it doesn't help when i open my journal
and it opens to a page i had completely forgotten about.

it opens to a page of bald and blatant description
I wrote that way on purpose,
so i would remember every fact and feeling,
unbiased and as true as possible.

I cried.
I read the page and remembered the experience i had forgotten
the feelings i had forgettin i'd had.
and I cried.

That was not a good experience.

I can only hope that when it happens again,
with S this time,
it won't be so bad.

i don't think it will be.
S is different.
he's caring,
he likes me so much.

his eyes can't lie to me.

and neither can his kiss.


Ahh dear. What to talk about.

I couldn't post yesterday,
my apologies.

i was too upset and confused and i didn't think i could handle blogger
i avoided reading any blogs as well.

i went swimming with my friend W,
i'll call her Winnie.
and her bf, couple of her bf's friends.

i saw a whole bunch of girls at the pool in bikinis
but none of them had the ideal body
and at first i was comparing,
"okay, i have a better waist than her,
i weigh at least 10 pounds less than her,
wow and i thought my hips were bad", etc.

but then after a time i started thinking to myself...
is it so wrong ?
to not be perfect ?
so many guys (and girls) are dating girls that do NOT have skinny beautiful bodies
they're dating the girls i think need to lose some.
and they love their bodies.
i just dont understand it.

so i just avoided weight things for awhile.

but i did soo well yesterday.
i cut a pear up into 16 pieces,
put it in a baggie and took it in my purse with me
and i just ate a slice, really slowly,
whenever i felt like eating all day.

it worked soooo well.
plus all the walking i did,
and swimming at the pool.

and i was out and didn't get home until fucking 11
i BROKE my not after 7pm rule
i BROKE the little shimmy room i was giving myself,
i was allowing myself some veggies or fruit.

but suddenly i was craving kraft dinner
and a sandwich,
and it was all i could fucking think about for an hour.
we were supposed to get picked up at 10,
and even before 10 i was thinking in my head what can i eat when i'm home
what's safe, is it safe to indulge alittle ?
can i risk ignoring my cravings ?

i seriously spent an hour just thinking about food.

so as soon as i got home i made both, and ate both.
i ate half a box of KD,
and a sandwich with
fake ham, mixed greens, mayo, oregano dressing, dijon, mozzarella, and pickles.

i had like three bites of kraft dinner, and ate 1/4 of the sandwich
and craving was gone.
hunger was gone.

but my nana was awake.
i couldn't just throw it out.
and i hate wasting food.
so i ate it all.

anyways, so this morning i got up late and showered.
and i decided to weigh myself,
iduhno as punishment.

and i was only 124.

so yes, i think that was my reprieve,
my second chance.

so i'm trying again today.
no, not trying.
i AM today, doing well.
not eating outrageous fucking food.

this morning i had some kashi cereal,
260 calories.

then i got home at 4 and made an elaborate salad
and ate it,
and i think it took me a good half hour to eat.
15 minutes to make it.

i'm drinking sunny D to keep away my cravings.
and im' exhausteddd,
so i might just go over and sleep now.
it's only 2 hours until i can't eat at all
so i should just go nap.
sooo tiird, sooo sickk.

So, i'm terrible at reading people.
Like people always say "oh i could feel it in your kiss"
or it was the way he touched you, etc.
and i don't understand unless things are just blatantly pointed out.

well, until now.
because honestly when i look in S's eyes i can see the sincere emotion.
i can see how much he cares for me.
haha it sounds so gushy.
but it's so intense, the look in his eyes when he looks at me,
i almost cry.
from happiness ?
i don't think it's a negative reason,
because it makes me happy.

he has such amazing eyes.

he left me flowers in my locker.
all different coloured flowers, a pretty bouquet.
i'd been sick all day, felt like shit,
i was just going to get my jacket and go home
and then i open my locker and see this bouquet
and i just instantly smiled. =]

i got to stay for the next block with him though
and i got to play (more like kinda fail at) street hockey
with him and Chessy and Boots.
(I don't think Boots likes me. =/)
hahaha we got to wrestle it was kinda fun.
i got him in a headlock xD
but i knew i couldn't hold it so i let off
and he flipped me under him and pretended to punch me
haha courtside brawl.
soo much fun.

Anyways, today i'm good.
today is a good day.
I'm so tired and so sick though.
but it's good.
i'm hoping tomorrow,
after today's good eating and crazy exercise
i'll have lost at least a pound.

but god,
how much i crave to see the scale show me anything under 120.
i don't know what i'll do when it happens,
i'll be so beyond ecstatic.

but god think of when i get to 115,
and then to 110.

fucking party yo.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Something i've learned in life is that there is no good excuse.
You can give as many as you want,
but all they are is excuses.

rarely, i will still attempt an excuse
if it means the difference between failing a test because i've been sick
(aka fucked in the head and having my body molested by incessant illness)
and having another day to study and pass.
yea, that was me today.

but 9 times out of 10,
i don't bother with excuses, because as i've said,
they're nothing but excuses.

this is the thought process that runs through my head
as i try to think of how to explain that
peanut buster parfait.

on my bingeing day,
on saturday night with M when we were waiting for prom to end
we went to DQ because i wanted one,
and it would've been okay then.
except even in the fucking bigger city life shuts down at night.
it terrifies me, i'm used to more things being open.
i mean, that's the "bigger" city.
Pville is just a ghost town at night,
abso fucking lutely NOTHING open.
after like 10, even the late night things close.
except Tim Hortons.
and they close friday and saturday from 130 to 330.

i'm rambling.

S and I went downtown today during lunch and my spare
(which turned into skipping sewing as well to be horny teenagers. 
to get his tongue barbell downsized
and because he is no longer allowed to be on the school grounds
during his spares =P
hahahhaa. stupid teachers.

the piercer wasn't in for half an hour,
and i got the bright idea to tell S to go to DQ with me.
i wanted a fucking peanut buster parfait.
It was a stale craving, 
a stagnant flirtation of my tastebuds and memory. 
and yea.
so another slap in the face to myself and my fatness
is that when i looked at it,
i didn't want it.
when i took a bite,
i didn't want it.
at all.
not even a bit.
i took two bites,
and considered just throwing it out.
but of course,
 i can't waste 5 dollars.

fucking non-wasting up-bringing.

i ended up throwing some at S,
but i mechanically noshed on that shit,
because i remember i was at the top,
and before i knew it i was down in the dregs.
at least i left the last 5th.
that's somewhat of a
(pathetic excuse for an)

I didn't eat breakfast.
well, i had a banana.
i didn't want that either,
but i ate it.

i haven't eaten anything since,
save for some arizona fruit punch,
and a quarter of toast with butter.
i'll probably eat the toast.
but i don't think i want to eat tomorrow.

i'm scared for Nanna.
no, not my grandmother,
my Nanna, as in banana.
which is what i call my best friend here.
(she calls me Kiwi.)

she's been missing since saturday.

i almost couldn't sit through bio,
i was trying so hard not to cry the whole time.
at least i was half an hour late.
when i finally got out of the class i walked right by S,
he'd been waiting for me,
so he leapt on me and basically pushed me into some chick.
yea, i was so spaced and upset.

I can't be upset around him.
it's physically impossible.
it sucks, because i guess i'd like the comfort.
but i'm glad i won't break down around him.

he proved himself.
i should never have called him innocent,
even in jest.
hahahahhaa ohhh dear.
he's fucking cute though.
but wow,
i mean i didn't think he was literally innocent,
i meant more that he was so cutesy and sweet to me all the time.
oh gosh,
he has another side.

i actually like it.

surprising ?


hahaaa well.
he already has no inclination to discretion in public
i have to stop him when he tries to kiss me in public for too long =P
because i'm more completely totally ALL about discretion ahah.
i mean, i'd actually not kissed a boy in daylight in public
until S.
Modest Me.

he enjoys my extremely sensitive skin.


Monday, May 17, 2010

haha as if you want to see these.
but here are some pictures of myself.

this was a couple of months ago, at 131. i was a size 7.

this was a couple weeks ago, again at 131, size 7.

this was me in grade 9. i was about 115 pounds, and a size 2/3. 
just about the only picture i've got of me when i was fairly thin. 

it's okay, there will be many, once i'm even smaller than then. =]

hope you enjoyed my fattttness ! xD


I'm tired of feeling tired all the time.
drained, numb, distant, pained,

i hardly feel emotions, i feel like they're all at arm's length.
i don't know if it's my choice or not.

it doesn't matter how much i sleep, or when i do.
i feel just as exhausted everyyy dayyy.
i'm not productive in anything because it's a challenge just existing.

i'm so close to crying over the dumbest things.
if S was here right now i would curl up in his arms
and i'm quite sure i would just weep.
and he'd stroke my hair like he does,
and i would just clutch him to me,
any part of him i could reach,
his shirt, his hand, his shoulder,
anything is good enough.
i'm so attached to him already, i need him.

it's so hard for me to not say "i love you" to people i care about.
when i'm dating someone,
i have to consciously try NOT to say it at all
because i don't want to say it til i mean it.
but it's habit for me, second nature,
to just say it all the time.
i love you.

i'm lucky he happens to say "i heart you" alot.

i just want to curl up and cryyyy
and cry and cry and cry
i miss B.
i miss being able to selfishly run into his arms
and cry and complain about whatever was ailing me.
he was the only one,
the only one i ever let that far in
and he was my everything,
i think part of my intense spiral downward after i moved
was losing that.
suddenly i had no one to tell all my secrets and worries to.
because now i can't let anyone else in.

he knew absolutely everything about me.
he's never seen my wrist, but he knows.
he knows i've had an ED for years and years.
he supported me in being healthy,
he would never have let me go too far.
but i was so fucking weak then.
i didn't want it bad enough.

i wish i could let someone else in.
the only ones i have to tell everything to,
are Ana, Sally, and my journal.
it surprises me that i don't have a name for my journal yet.
when i was little, i used to try out a different name with every new notebook.
none of them felt right.

i have it.
I'll write to the older brother/sister i could've had.
i was to be named Jori,
but i turned out a girl, and mom gave me a different name.

i'm so tired.
i want S to hold me.
i'm so weak.
at least i've stayed true to my eating today.
Skinny Bitch day 1.
except now i still have to exercise.
whatever, before i go to bed i'll do that bum workout
that another girl came up with.
still can't remember your name dear,
but that doesn't much matter because you aren't reading anyways.

stay strong.

love love love love love.


Don't expect those pictures anytime soon.
I can't guarantee i can even give my wrist enough time to heal
before it's fucking assaulted again.

i feel ridiculous, pathetic.
retreating to my proverbial corner,
clutching Sally to my chest and crying on Ana's frail shoulder.
I need her whispered comforts.
Sally says such lovely things to me,
she is such a comfort.
Ana is always there to remind me that tomorrow is another day,
a better day for control and perfection and happiness.
live another day.
there's no sense in death.
I dont want death, not yet.
too much to be perfected,
too much to experience, enjoy.
not a good enough reason to die yet at all.
i have this life whereas someone else has lost theres
so i will not flush it down the toilet
i will live it and make the fucking best i can of it.

I must have flailed when i'm drunk.
at least when i'm sober i can subconsciously keep track
of how my wrist might be showing.

of how my boyfriend's best fucking friend might see.
of how stories will get mingled behind my back,
of how i had cut, i had cut because of mikki,
no it won't get worse.
i'm not exceptional, i'm not going to ever do more than puny little cuts.
S saw first, that was when he'd asked me about it while drunk.
apparently Mikki saw after, asked S if he had known.
and then M asked me if i was okay, if i'd hurt myself.
he'd heard through the fucking grapevine that i'd cut.
i jsut hope this goddamn grapevine doesn't grow past S, M, and Mikki.
I had told M, it had come up in conversation.
he's amazing easy to talk to.
S had known i used to, i guess he'd assumed i had quit.
and then he saw, for himself.
Mikki had not known.

I'm not looking forward to tuesday.
thank god for monday, and being "sick",
and it being a "pro-d day"
well, it is for the grads.
and i get my days off whenever the fuck i want.

i need to do some homework.

i need sleep.

i need my fucking boyfriend to hold me until i feel better.

i need to cry until i fucking feel better,
but  don't want anyone to fucking see.

(you can't let people see you cry. 
only J has ever seen me cry, 
on the night it was all decided, 
i blame mom, i blame mom. 
trying so hard to maintain control, 
at least don't let the tears fall, 
hold your breath, don't let it catch, 
walk fast walk fast concentrate don't let it get you 
no don't touch me no don't are you fucking stupid 
don't fucking touch me when i'm trying so hard to hold on 
he pulled me into his arms and you don't fucking do that 
because then i will sob and sob and sob. 

I never want anyone else to see me so vulnerable.)

I think i might go visit Sally.
we'll see.
part of me doesn't want to sink that low,
part of me wants to let her go now that more people know
about our sick little tryst.

but who the fuck am I kidding.
I am so incapable of love,
why the fuck would i let go of the closest things i've got.
Ana and Sally are always there for me,
and i love them as best as I can love anyone.
I'm so fucked up.