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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Sunday, May 23, 2010

I ate about ...
almost a thousand calories yesterday.
but i dono i have wiggle room.

i had 3/4 of an applesauce (60.)

and then S came over and i didn't eat until like 7
but we ordered pizza
i figured i'd be okay since i just hit 120
and since it was a weekend,
my limits always have to be higher,
so long as i'm still getting exercise.

so i ate 3 slices of vegetarian pizza.

but what i'm thinking is if fucking DOMINO'S pizza is 200
then the slices i ate of better less greasy veggie pizza
should have been about 250 each, 300 tops.
but i'm thinking 250 really.
i was having bigger slices than the portion they showed on caloriegallery
so that's why i say 250.

which would mean i would have eaten between
810 and 960 calories.
which for a weekend, really isn't that bad.

haha and i've heard that kissing burns calories
and sex burns calories
(though we didn't quite get that far haha)
and i walked down and uphill to meet S
i got enough exercise to have brought that down to a smaller amount.

so yea, i had S over yesterday.
we didn't do much,
watched this star wars marathon
(or rather didn't ;D )

I proved what i'd already figured
which was that biting his neck turns him on even more than kissing it
which is already alot xD

so i had lots of fun with that,
i adore being a tease xD
and i just like biting and kissing his neck.

but things did get kind of extremely bad at one point.
he said it as kind of a joke,
but kind of serious
he asked if i wanted to fuck
(it's a bit of an inside joke)
and i just kind of stopped.

i wanted to,
but i was scared to.
so i stopped for a second and asked if that was a serious question
because he'd been quiet for awhile after he'd said it.
he said it was serious if i wanted it to be,
and not if i didn't.
i asked what he'd meant when he said it
and he said he meant what i wanted.
so i tried to think it all through
and i eventually just said i don't know.
S, being his usual amazing caring self
reassured me that was perfectly okay,
he didn't want anything until i was ready.
i said i know.

a minute after i told him i had to get up for a second
i got up off the couch and grabbed my water from the kitchen,
went and sat in the bathroom to think.
i drank my water,
tried not to cry,
tried to think,
rocked alittle on the counter.

you can't imagine how much more i hated otherC
for screwing up my head so badly.
i don't know if i ever described how bad it was after we had sex.
before, during, after, all terrible memories.
he wasn't nice about it,
he wasn't caring,
he "tricked me into it"
(as S later said.)
and i just felt so disgusted with myself.
i hated myself,
i hated what i'd done,
i hated otherC,
when previously i'd loved him.

i wanted to throw up,
but it wouldn't come.
i left immediately for the bathroom,
because i didn't want to cry in front of him.
i grabbed a towel,
turned on the shower,
climbed in,
tried to think.

but thought wouldn't come.

i ended up rocking on the floor of the shower,
clutching my knees to my chest harder and harder
sobbing more than i have in a long time.
and all i could think was how it had felt so so wrong.

i've always been afraid of getting physical with people
one of my weird shy/social anxiety quirks.
but i still tried to let things happen b/c i knew that was the only way
i'd ever get over things.

after that with otherC.
i'd get flashbacks of it and gag,
and just start crying out of nowhere.
the gagging has stopped for the most part,
about a month or two later.
but i still cry when i think about it.

so poor S,
i had been in the bathroom trying to get ahold of myself long enough.
i went back to the couch
but i realized i didn't have control of myself yet.
i sat down beside S,
and he looked at me and grabbed my hands
and asked me if it was what he'd said.
told me he cared more about me than about anything we did.
i said no it wasn't him,
it was me.

he pulled me over so i was lying on him,
and i put my arms around him and buried my face in his neck.
i told him i just wanted to hold him for alittle while.

i tried so hard to stop the tears.
i managed to keep from sobbing,
but a few renegade drops slid down my face.
he kept asking me what was wrong
i kept telling him i didn't want to talk about it,
i just wanted to hold him.

he's so amazingly caring.
i love that with S i actually know for certain how much he cares about me.
(he asked me yesterday if there was even a word created 
that would mean more than "heart" that he could say to me.)

he made me move my face up so he could look at me
and when he saw that i was crying he got this sad look on his face
and he brushed them away
and told me he wanted to know what was wrong,
so he could make it better.

he tried for about an hour to open me up.
it's not easy for me to talk about what happened with otherC.

he asked me what it was about,
and i explained
(over a long period of time with great difficulty)
my fear of intimacy,
and that the last time i'd been intimate had left a bad impression.

he looked me dead in the eyes and said
what the fuck did otherC do.
i said that he hadn't really done anything,
just when we'd had sex it had been a really terrible experience.
he asked if he'd raped me.
i said no, he didn't really rape me.
he said good because i'd have to have gone up there and shitkicked him.

and then he stopped and said
the way you said that didn't sound right though.
and i said well it wasnt like rape
and he asked if he'd tricked me into it
and that sounded about right.

that's enough ridiculous details,
this post has been long enough.

S was caring,
S made everything better,
told me he'd never hurt me and that i had to be ready
before anything happened.

i stopped shaking when we got close.
which means alot.
because i do trust him.

i think i just really needed to share that whole fear with someone.
needed to get it off my chest,
and not worry about it.
because i didn't feel as scared after.
i wanted to more than before xD

but iduhno.
S isn't like anyone i've ever dated.
whereas otherC pretended he cared about me
i can tell that S does.
it's kind of weird to feel.
but i like it.

he always tells me how incredibly he's fallen for me.
and i'm falling for him faster than i would've thought.

really long ridiculous post.
you don't even have to read the part about S,
that was just a big thing then. =P

let's hope today and tomorrow
(no school)
still go well.
so that by tuesday for school
i'll be under 120
by at least 1 pound.
that is my goal for the next 3 days.