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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

So, i'd already planned on making today a fairly lax day,
where i don't really count my calories as much,
and allow myself treats or whatnot.
even though i kinda did that yesterday,
but not as much.

anyways, it is mothers day and my nana's birthday,
so we went out for brunch.
and i guess last night's terrible-ness (to be mentioned later) carried on,
because as i sat at the table looking over the menu,
not able to decide on something i actually wanted
(i don't enjoy food the same)
something without meat
(everything had meat but pancakes.)
something without a huge amount of fat
(but i could eat salad at home.)

I contemplated, briefly, going out to sit in the car.
"Sorry, there's nothing I feel like eating, i can't decide,
silly me, i'll just sit in the car, enjoy your meal nana and papa."
nope, i'm not that selfish.

But all the same, i barely held back tears,
i swear one must have escaped.
it was ridiculous, there i was,
staring at a menu,
unable to find anything i wanted to eat whatsoever,
and i jsut felt so hurt, desolate,
i just wanted to cryyy and cryy and cryy.

as if i didn't do enough of that last night.

I'll explain last night now.
Ugh, family is over, can't cry. keep it back.

Yesterday i was on my youtube,
and i was watching videos & deleting old ones.
and then i came across two of me and otherC
so i watched the first one, no sound,
that was fine.
i watched the second one,
just of him talking, teasing me, being himself.
And I started crying, i missed him,
and hated how things had ended.
so i had the bright idea to try and apologize.

aha ohhh stupid stupid me.
you never apologize to otherC,
because somehow it turns into an offensive remark, even though you mean well,
and before you know it you're an asshole,
and he wants you out of his life,
and blah blah go die in a hole worthless bitch, etc.

and just some of the most terrible remarks,
i've ever had directed to me.

yeaaa. it hurt.
all i wanted to do was apologize.
whenever he did,
oh it meant so fucking much,
but me ?
no, i'm just a bitch.

so yea.
it led to me crying, an crying, and crying.
and cutting, and cutting, and cutting.
yeaa. at least i have enough restraint not to bring it up my arm.
but it just never seems enough.

S started texting me,
and when i'm ina  black mood, my head is just elsewhere,
nothing i think or say makes sense,
so he started to think i was breaking up with him,
and i freaked and said it was the opposite i was terrified of losing him.

he eventually got it,
and we talked after my head came back a bit.
we're good again now.
but that was scary.

now, of course,
i get to go through the lovely rigours of hiding my fucking marks.
i hate this part.

went for a jog today,
followed C25K for the 2nd day
i'm going to count these as practices, warmups
and then next week i'll actually count as the first week
it's not easy, which is pathetic xD

but at least i feel amazing.

stay strong, lovelies.
now i have to lose back what i gained this weekend.
and next week saturday is going to be a normal restriction day,
the only lax day i allow treats will be sunday,
and if i;m still under 1500 calories, with exercise.
though on sturday i'm allowed under 1000 with exercise.

it all works out. =]