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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Moving ?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm scared.
on the drive back in to Mish,
I started crying and I would have turned right around then and never come back.
and now i'm here, and mom is so upset,
and i'm scared to leave.

But I don't want to be here anymore.
S's parents apparently love me,
and his mom said she'd love for me to move in.
S is asking her today when would be okay if i took her up on that offer.
and his friend who's a piercer could give me an opportunity to be his assistant part time.
and i could get a job in Nani,
finish my school at pass,
though I guess i'm mostly done my english,
got one chapter in FN, and ....
al of my math.
i hate it. xD

mom had something really awful happen to her,
by her brother and mom,
so she's all bent up and upset.
as well as shit going on with her boss at work.
so she's just messed up,
and taking it out on me a bit.

on the ride in,
we got into a "non argument" as I would call it.
Basically where she bitches and bitches and picks and then pulls guilt-trips
and I clamp my mouth shut because I love her too much to fight with her.
she used to be like that,
but all the stress lately has made her pick fights with me all the time over nothing.
I'm tired of it,
but the main reason i'm leaving (iknowiamiknowiamiknowiamnodoubtsplease)
isn't her regressing into her childhood (because she had kids so young)
and picking on me about stupid things and lording my schooling over my head
or even because she needs some time to herself (though this is a big one,)
she spends all her time at work or at her boyfriend's.
she needs time to spoil herself, enjoy her life,
and plus her schooling is coming up,
so paying for me and her and my schooling with no paycheck for 6 weeks ?
not cool.

mind you, i won't say i'm selfless.
far from, i know i'm a selfish bitch.
but i'm 18 in 3 weeks,
and i can't stand Mish.
the closer we get from the ferry, the harder I cry.
I start cutting, I fall into deep depression,
i take so many vitamins to force my body to make my mind happy that i throw up.
which doesn't really help with the happy-making,
hence cutting out the vitamins.
though that's mainly cuz there's nothing for breakfast in the house until wednesday.
i know i do feel alittle bit better with the vitamins.
but fuck, i'm all alone.
mom never wants to be home because she has no one but her bf and work,
and i really don't blame her for leaving on the weekends and pulling overtime daily.
i would do the same.
i'm at school 12 hours a day, and then i'm a potato on the couch for 72 straight hours.
it disgusts me, and it depresses me.
i have no one in Mish.

it wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't gone to Pville,
and remembered what it's like to be loved and cared about 24/7 by everyone.
nana and papa, Buddy, Winnie, baby JL, S, CF, Micha, Biinie, Domo.
and so many more.
but fuck, i just miss having people around always.
i hate being alone, it's literally killing me.

Nani has a hairdressing program that's really cool,
Beni was apparently gonna go there before here.
and like i say, that piercing assistant thing.
and living with my baby.
and seeing Winnie and my lil baby "niece".
It's too good an offer to really pass up.

Just don't know if i'm strong enough to break out of the sluggish grasp of Mish.
it's so easy to sink into nothingness,
when something takes so much more work than coasting along hell.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Soo, BMI calculator tells me i'm just in the underweight category,
for the most part.
welcome news.
i got 18.3,
i'm 5'9" i think, and i fluctuate but i'm generally between 123 and 127 lately.
which is nice,
i'm not really doing any upkeep,
but mom is on a high fiber diet,
which influences what's in the house somewhat.
she was buying only high fiber things,
so i bitched enough that there's some designated food for both of us =P
i eat mostly high fiber stuff meow though.
whole wheat pasta, low fat milk, whole grain bread, lots of apples and bananas,
and i can't live without my grapefruits.

though i must say, those are a treat for me,
because i'll cut a bag of em into little chunks and marinate them in sugar.
yes that's right,
haha so i haven't stopped my odd cravings. =P

Winnie had her baby !
omg, i didn't even see her pregnant,
it's crazyyyy !
i haven't seen her in so long =[
but i am BEYOND ecstatic that she had a baby girl !
she's going to be goddamn gorgeous.
J L. =3
so cuuuuute.
I can't wait to see her and Winnie again.

and S !
i haven't seen S since Valentine's Day.
which was the best celebration i've ever had, i might add.
just me, him, candles, bubbles, Deathcab, comfortability,
and no complications.
like clothes.

I cut the other night.
the stress was too much,
i was fighting with S and afraid i was screwing it all up again,
i'm just afraid and stressed all the time.
i think it had been at least a month since my last,
maybe a bit more.
but i changed spots.
hip just wasn't doing it for me.
only thing is, now that i'm covering my forearm,
and since i'm cutting again,
i feel weird exposing my wrist,
because that always felt like just the place to do it.
alas, i can't anymore.
but whatever takes the stress away.

i'm still smoking,
j'ai fume toujours.
haha bad french ? yepyep.
as soon as i stop smoking, or don't have smokes,
i go nuts, and everything is so much harder to handle.
hence the cutting.
so i need to start buying packs again,
instead of just sharing at school.

going to nana and papa's tomorrow.

did an amazing pair of gel nails on a woman yesterday,
i was very proud of myself.
only one who didn't do her exam,
and i'd say i did among the best 3 in the class.
*proud face*

mom is being ridiculous.
everything comes back to my school.
i get out early, and i'm a nuisance since she has to pick me up.
i stay late, i'm awful because she had to wait.

and then this thing with my birthday.
she told me we could get me a new phone for my birthday,
a smartphone or something, since my computer's broken.
regardless of the fact that once again, she did not ask me what i wanted,
just assumed right away,
i wasn't unhappy.
ten i showed her some of the prices going around for decent phones today.
she flipped out.

phones aren't fucking cheap anymore if you want something good.
but no.
"i shouldn't even have to get you a birthday present since i'm paying for your school !"
well, you're taking half my allowance every month to pay as well.
so fuck off.
i'm sorry you're going through your second childhood,
and have turned into a selfish teenager.
i'm sorry that every weekend you have to come home to me from your beloved boyfriend.
i'm sorry i'm your fucking daughter.
but you aren't my mother anymore,
and i'd like to know where the hell you put her,
so that she can only come out on a rainy day.

i want out.
and i'm tired of wanting out and being stuck.
but i need to get out soon.

anyways i should scoot along.
i love and miss you allllllll eternally.

i'll talk as soon as i can next.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Toxic skin and sultry eyes
A master liar's last disguise

Her smile oozed love and poison both
Her lips left glitter trailed up your throat

Bouncing curls, angelic fake
Breath down your spine until you wake

A finger trails, dangerously
I wonder what will become of me.

AlrightAlriight !

iduhn even know what to say.
Don't have much time to chatter today,
but nonetheless, chatter I shall !

repetitive zombie apocolypse nightmares.
and fears.
can't sleep cuz i'm scared zombies will start beating down the windows.
when i do sleep,
there are zombies anyways.
lose/lose situation ?
i thought so.
thinking of buying a damn crystal,
and i took a sleeping pill last night,
which helped a bit.

am I crazy ?
quite definitely.
last time I had paranoia this bad,
only thing that got me through was late night phone calls,
and being read fairy tales by my bro =[
which of course I can't have this time.
whenever I couldn't talk to him,
only way i could sleep was when the sun rose,
or when mom got up for work.
sometimes I needed both.
oh insomnia, you aren't very welcome here.

Not to mention I'm already tired almost 24/7,
i'm getting fucking sick of it,
so angreh.

computer still isn't ficed gawdfackindemnit.

can't wait to see S.
haha cuz i can't type his name repetitively.

i'm sorry i've been gone so long,
i really did miss ALL of you.
no time to catch up right now,
but especially to Adeline,
i see you have yourself a man, some confidence,
and of course your already gorgeous persona. ;D

i hope I didn't worry any of you ?
i shouldn't think so, I'm pretty sure I had a goodbye post.
but i'm back meowww !

wrote a poem i like.
i think i'll post that.

ttfn !