My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

CanWrongBeRight ?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm at my wit's end.
i'm on my last straw,
and i don't know how much more i can take.

half of me wants to curl into the fetal position and just sob and wait until everything gets better
but the other half wants to just pack my bags and leave and make things better for myself.
the second half is bigger
but it's scared,
so scared.

i feel ridiculous that this is bothering me so much
but it's so huge for me,
i can't live with anyone that isn't my choice anymore
i need to move out and be on my own
i can't deal with this shit it's ridiculous

but i'm so scared
i just want to do things for me
but i'm so so scared
not of being out and on my own
but of facing everyone in my family and telling them i'm leaving.
because their "rule" was always no moving out til graduation.
hence why i decided i was gradding early a year ago.

but this is why i wish i didn't have to be the smart, sensible, together one in the family
just once,
i wish i was the badass,
the druggie, the one who sneaks out, gets pregnant,
all of that jazz.
because i don't believe one person in my family has just moved out,
my mom, my uncle riley, probably even buddy, uncle todd,
all were kicked out or left
for the above reasons or more

and i just fucking wish that it could be that easy
"I fucking want you out of the house right now !"
"sweet thanks."

instead it's more
"Can i please move out now ?"
"Not til graduation."

but i can't wait any longer
i'm tired of getting yelled at for stupid things
i don't do yelling

i got a callback from Spencer's,
i'm calling tomorrow and hoping it's an interview (most likely tbh it is.)
and if i get that job then i am gone.

Walty also got an interview and told me he wasn't taking the job
because they were offering 20 hours per week tops

money is money.
so long as i've got rent,
and some money for my cell phone,
and smokes,
i don't give a fucking about food and whatnot.

and they're bound to need more full time people at the end of the summer
so it could just be tight until september
either that or i can get a job somewhere else like mcdonalds
life would be so much simpler if the place i'm moving into wasn't in buttfuck nowhere
and my only way out
(since i don't even have a license let alone a care)
is Walty.
not that he minds driving me places,
but he's getting a job too, \
and unless we work at the mall together,
i'll potentially be screwed.
though i'm sure i can work things out,
i'm a smart cookie.

wish me the best lovelies.
i really don't know what to do.
but i know i'm on my last straw.

papa yelled and told me iw as grounded,
slammed my door,
told me it was his door.
Walty's band is playing at the beach tomorrow.
i'm fucking going,
and he can suck my dick.

i'll probably have an interview tomorrow anyways.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

haha i'm sick.
so i'm kind of fucked up
and i just cried cuz this girl on america's got talent was such a beautiful singer
and my baby is at commencement right meow
but OMFG

i weigh 124 right meow
and my bmi is 18.3
which makes me underweightttttt ^.^

it's wierd tho how i look
when i turn to the side,
above my hips i look sooo thin,
my ribs are more prominent,
my xlyphone,
especially my hips and my collarbones
and yes my hips and legs are slowly shrinking
but still.

i tried on dresses yesterday
(Walty took pictures and i acutlaly looked good 0.o)
and i tried on a small tube top dress
in this pleather shit so it was supposed to be skin tight
and i had a bit of extra fabric on my hips
and the top did NOT fit.

i also tried on a 3/4 gown
and it fit me in the hips
but again the top did not fit

answer to these
is that the top half of my body is extra small ^.^
and the bottom half is small
which i am damn well not going to reject
going from a M/L to a S in the hips. =]

my hips are about a 3/4 as of now
butttt i'm going to try and start working out my ass and thighs
go jogging and such more often
and i'm hoping i can get down to a 1 and then a 0
so i can be extra small on top AND bottom =]

and i applied at Spencer's
fuckign badass store
i'm hooooping i at least get an interview
hoping against HOOOOPE that i get a job
but iduhno.
if it's meant to be it will happen.

Culture Craze is full right now. x.x
and S's fucking ex K has a piercing apprenticeship.
i have nothing bad to say about her.
except she just looks .. strange i guess,
i don't know.
she especially doesn't strike me as a piercer
i'd be scared if she was gonna pierce me cuz she always looks sad/scared/pissed off 0.o
and i really wish she'd fix her eyeliner.

she's pretty !
but the eyeliner looks terrible.

gah anyways
i'm sick as fuck
had a fever last night
all over the place today
\throat is dead

but i'm really just hoping that everything turns out good.
i need a job,
i need money,
i need to lose some more weight and tone up a bit,
i need to get better,
i need to be happier. =]

i am fairly happy right now
i just need the aforementioned things to complete my happiness.

good luck to all you lovelies

don't give up.
you'll make it.

and a tip :
even if you're going to let go and eat normally,
or even binge,
then make yourself rules.
like the ones i have,
so that you still won't gain as much as you would originally think
or maybe you'll even manage to still lose

the ones i always follow are mainly
leave something on your plate ALWAYS
a bit of everything if you're eating more than one thing
share whatever you are eating gladly
drink lots of fluids
keep busy so you don't have an opportunity to eat
chew lots of gum
and if you're a smoker then break out those damn smokes !

sadly me and Walty are out T.T

FoodIntake ?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Naw just kidding.
i'm too chicken. xD
but i'll tell you what i've been eating,
and explain somewhat.

i had a panic attack yesterday because i weighed myself at night
and i was 130 again
but i weighed myself today too and i'm 127 or so.

my eating has been majorly fucked up.
i've got allergies out the yin yang and claritin isn't really helping.
add PMS to that. =P

but i duno.
my stomach feels like grossly stuffed all day
whether i've eaten or not.
but i do continue to eat
it's like i need absolutely need to keep my stomach full and distended
(oh hello tummy paunch which had been shrinking before exams.)

it's like a hunger
it's not like the cravings i've had before where i wanted the taste so i ate
it's a hunger
but not a physical hunger,
i could physically go without food so long
especially now because i'm just not hungry
but it's this wierd mental hunger
like my mind tells me as soon as i've eaten that i'm still hungry
i need to eat again again again

today i had a big bowl of honey nut cheerios for breakfast
and i guess about a cup of spaghetti

then for lunch i had a tuna fish sandwich
and a mini package of cheetos

and then for dinner i've had a bowl of breyer's neapolitan ice cream
and a can of brown beans in maple syrup

i'll probably end up eating more ice cream later
but i duhno
i'm so not hungry
my stomach is beyond full i feel sick all day
but i just keep eating.

least since i've got nothing better to do,
it's only a matter of time before i get bored enough to get back into jogging
and start working out
i haev to go out applying next week damnit.


Yeap, it's here and in full hormonal raging force

gahh i'm so grouchy
everything is pissing me off
and then i just want to cry because i don't want to be pissed xD

i worked everything out with my nana and papa
and now i basically have no curfew so long as i call =]


my mommy told me i'm grown up =]

when i called her she was talking to me about alot
and she was saying that i'm their granddaughter,
they just have a hard time seeing me so grown up so they can't accept it
she said that it took me moving away and then coming back to visit
for her to see that i am grown up.
she said that in 6 months,
i'll be moved out and a full fledged adult

i think that just made me cry so much harder xD
because iduhno
it was so sweet.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I just don't know what to do.
I just want to run and run and run from here
i don't want to fucking come back
do they not realize i was at this point before i got here ?
that this was what was fucking happening ?

do they not realize the more they try to pull me in and keep me here
the more i want to get out and never come back ?
fucking Dee goddamn talking to papa about things on my fucking wall.
fuck that shit.
i'm fucking tired of this.

fucking papa being pissed off.
FUCK YOU i'm fucking going to be moved out in SIX FUCKING MONTHS
if anybody would LET ME i'd be moved out NOW.

i've been crying every waking minute since 1030 this morning.

i got picked up by W and S at 12,
and we stayed out all night,
drove around, gamed, watched the sunrise,
drank energy drinks.

so much fucking fun.

then at W's gaming again
i think to myself i should call nana so she doesn't worry
at 1030 am
and hten i pick up S's phone
and see a voicemail from nana
and it's an angry fucking message

i can't stand when people are mad at me
especially when i think it's unjust
i can't stop crying.

i called my mommy
she talked to me about alot while i cried xD

i explained how i didn't want to stay here anymore,
how i knew i was only 17 but i was moving out soon,
and i felt so grown up and responsible,
and i felt like i should be getting to do what i want
i mean i came out here to be half moved out ffs.

she told me she knew i was growing up
and she didn't realize it til i moved here,
then came back to visit.
and each time i go back to see her she sees i'm alittle more grown up

she told me to talk to nana and papa
tell them i need a curfew and rules
but that i'm growing up and will be moved out shortly
that i am an adult.

but i can't fucking talk to them.
i can hardly even talk to my mother,
so how the fuck can i talk to my grandparents.

and what if the rules and curfews they set are worse ?

i want to run and run and run and run.
and the only one who would catch me is my mommy
and she's not here she's too far away.

even S.
i just want him to hold me and let me cry
i hate people seeing me cry but S and W saw me cry
S held me for like a second and tried to comfort me somewhat
but he's so .. adhd.
he can't just hold me til i'm better
he holds me for like a sec and then scoots off to the next thing.

i want my mommy so bad.
i don't know what to do.
i want to stop crying.
this is so ridiculous.
why can't i just leave.

Monday, June 21, 2010

iblame pms.
but i cant stop eating.

allergies have my nose mostly plugged
so i can just barely
(and slightly uncomfortably)
breathe through my nose
but it's so much easier to breathe through my mouth
except oh waht's that in my mouth
oh and lets go get some strawberries and milk later !

let's add to the fucking
and a bowl of fucking SPAGHETTI for DINNER.

yea let's add strawberries and milk and sugar.
and let's eat more cereal.
that sounds likea  good fucking idea.

augh wow i'm so bitchy.
fucking pms.

i know i'll go eat strawberries later and i won't feel so bad.
but it does hurt when i think about it.
i just need to start working out to counter my food intake when PMSing.

my stomach hurts
but i want to keep eatingggg

remember that essay i wrote for S so he could pass ?
he got in big shiz for plagiarism.
and now he's not going to pass unless he redoes english during the summer.

he just signed on a couple minutes ago to tell me
and he got really mad
and i kind of got alittle grouchy but i was not startign an argument
i was trying to empathize with him,
and calm him down.
and he took it wrong and blew up.
and then he got like really blow-up-y.

so i told him to chill out then talk to me,
and signed out.

i hate doing that.
it makes me want to cry.

but i'm not starting a fucking argument
because i know if he rages i'll start to rage.

.. anybody wanna give the fatty a haagen dasz bar ?
haagen dasz.
i need to download eminem i forgot him.

thank you pms.
i went right back up to 130.
granted that's after a day of gorging.
but aughhhh it hurts meeee to be fat agaiiiin
i feel just liek my fucking mother.
finally seeing results after religiously following a diet
then fucking blowing it and going right back up.

did i mention still my tongue is still not healed fully
i can't pick the food out of my teeth and cheeks like normal
so yea,
i've got fucking chips and random food stuck in my fucking teeth and gums and jaws.
it's pissing me off,
it was a major habit to pick out the food with my tongue.

xD or just my PMS rage anger.


Biology exam was no sweat.

I'm not worried for my french exam,
i'm just worried that i failed the course.
that would piss me off so much. =/

yeaaa i miss you ladies.
but i'm scared because now i have to catch up on
like at least a week of blogs xD

Daisy got a flea/tick collar today ^.^
mwaha her fur is all bushy and then her neck looks all tiny

i still don't have my goddamn extensions.
somebody's gonna get bitch slapped.

talked to otherC last night actually.
i posted some pictures we had together on facebook in a "theforgotten" album
he commented on one saying he remembered that
and i said yea those were good times
and he was liek yea those were.

i cried xD
no surprise.

i messaged him on fb chat and said hay
and he said hey there
and first thing he did was apologize for how he'd reacted before

iduhno we talked alot,
we both apologized alot

but he forgives me,
and i worked really hard to at least make him kind of understand
he was in the center of my life at a confusing time
and i was very very confused
and i took it out on whoever was close in whatever the easiest way to comprehend was
even if it wasn't true.

he said that a part of him will always love me
and i said that a part of me will always love him too
and he didn't answer for like five minutes.

but i think what's hurt the most about this is he's grown so much from this
i mean i'm glad that i brought back the man i fell in love with
it seems like he's even better than he was before
but he sounded more like the one i remembered,
and that i had fallen in love with.

but he's grown so much from that.
he seems all confident and self assured and just happy

and i'm hurt i suppose because i'm not
he was the one most obviously hurt in this
and i'm the one paying the largest consequences
i'm a fucking mess xD

i was talking to my friend Bobbii,
and i was saying how he got so together and he seemed so in control
and she was like you're the most in control confident beautiful person i know
and i told her that the people who outwardly appear the most controlled
are the ones that are the most fucked inside
because they're the ones who make the most effort to hid the chaos within.

and it's true.
i can't always hide it,
sometimes i'm weak and i just want attention,
someone to hold me and tell me it'll be alright
but i guess i at least never fully open up
that's good at least.

i'm glad me and otherC are good now
but iduhno.
hurts a bit.
but i think i got my closure.

S's friend W is so epic xD
we went to a-team last night
and it was friggen amazing
he's the most fun driver,
he's psychotic on the road xD
and i love it of course,
being me.

we dropped S off first because my house is like 5 mins away from W's
and me and W got talking,
and he's so fucking awesome xD
he actually has an opinion on Billy Talent,
rather than the typical "oh their new album sucks but they're dece."
and apparently we're gonna have some guitar seshes
and he's gonna teach me some songs haha
i'm stokedage
i love hanging with him =P

haha i duhno.

i need to get on that job thang.
but i'm scared to get out and apply 0.o
it's rare where i'm confident enough to just go out and apply
and i'm not looking forward to this haha.

hope your summers are starting off amazingly lovelies. =]

Blaaaaahhhhh. =[

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I don't even know what to say.
i'll just post a list maybe.

- I'm really hoping i didn't fail,
but attempting to ignore prior distractions so i could study did not help.
not even the 5hour energy drink i drank,
or sitting in front of my computer staring blankly at the screen for hours.
please cross your fingers for me that i didn't fail.
i just don't need to hear shit if i fail anything.

- Me and S are still the same.
I adore him,
he makes me happy,
i make him happy,
pretty good.

- I've been eating shit.
I was down to 123,
and then i got to 125,
and then i went through a stint where i legit did not want to eat.
and now all of a sudden i'm like hungry all the time now

oh it's the 20th.
i'm probably PMSing.
least that explains life.

- No more classes.
Bio exam on Monday,
French on Friday,
then it's just the summer.

- I still haven't gotten a fucking job.

- I dyed my hair pink and blue,
and it ran so it's pink and blue and purple.
i likes it.

i mean it's just a tiny bit around the piercing.

- I can't stop thinking about otherC,
and it's driving me fucking nuts.
I keep thinking about him and seeing a status on FB,
or i see a video we did,
or pictures,
and i just break down and start crying again.

I don't want him entirely out of my life,
but It's not as if i can go back and tell him i want him there at this point.
he'll just turn it all around and make me want to die again.

- I'm so so so tired.
but again i think that's the PMSing.
I'm scared to check if i've gone above 127 from today.
I have to start exercising,
i'll have nothing better to do.

- Me and W are going to join yoga this summer

- Oh PS, W and her fake-friend who used her for foreve r
and totally hated me
are not friends anymore,
W has finally had enough of her user bitchy bullshit.
like seriously,
i've never seen a girl take more advantage of someone who loves them.

anyways me and W started hanging a bit more,
and she basically told me that girl was the reason we didn't hang out much
and she totally misses me too
so we're going to CEAP in september too,
we're gonna try and hang more =]

- But myeah that's my shtufss.
not too much new.
I need to get a fucking job.

I miss you girls =[


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Haha yea that's me
for ignoring you guys
i haven't even read any blogs in like two days,
if not 3.

i'm a bit AWHOL,
i'm really not allowing myself to be on here much,
except maybe to post a little something at night

because yes,
that time has come for me too,

haha yea.
i've got a Bio exam monday,
(somehow i dropped to 23% in class and have to pick it up in 3 days ? 0.o)
a French final next friday,

and oh did i mention i mega slacked
and now i have to basically so a semester's worth of work in three days
between my french and my sociology.
GRAWR i'm so lame i shouldn't have done this to myself.
but whatever,
i'm here now,
so i better just deal with it.
wish me luck.
i'll be back in full sooon xD

omgsh so i didn't lose any weight
i'm actually i think maybe 124/125
but my boobs shrunk like i said
and i can actually not just see shadows,
i legit see ribs.
not like i'm skinny enough to have them stick out,
but you can actually see ribs.
and my thighs
(believe it or not)
are slowly thinning i'm sure of it.
but they're getting there.
haha yea.

i haven't really been eating large amounts lately either
i actually was almost fasting for the past two days
and then i ate today
and i just didn't really want to
so i duhno i'm kind of just eating small quantities,
never finishing anything,
eating small bites,
and paying attention to if i'm hungry.

the best incentive ever is that i know if i'm eating i'm wasting homework time.

and believe me.
i need all the time i can get.
i have HOURS of work to do.

S spent the night last night.
I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night,
i came back and crawled into bed,
and he started mumbling.
he says really funny things in his sleep so i started making fun of his mumbling =P
i was like what ? grumble mutter sleepytalk ?
he's like how's this for sleepytalk.
What if i told you I love you ?

I was totally taken aback.
i mean you know,
the whole night i've been trying to think of how to say it.
and then he just comes out with it when i'm half asleep.

it's really weird coming from S too.
because when we first started talking,
one of the first things he said to me was that he didn't believe in love anymore.
and i was kind of just a skeptic,
rather than not believing entirely.
i just believed in being more careful with love.

alrighty here's the TMI part, and i'll put it a ways down the page,
so if there's any younger readers they can just move along now =P

apparently he actually is physically attracted to me,
which is strange for him apparently
(which is amusing because it's strange for me that i'm physically attracted to him)
but uhm yeah.
it's interesting.
but iduhno.
sex with him still confuses me.
because i'm not body-confident and knowledgeable and experienced enough to totally blow him away
but i hella fucking want to xD

i feel bad though,
because he likes to kind of smirk at me after
and make some comment about how he blew me away
and kind of you know pleasantly tease me
and i won't tell him that he hasn't yet xD
oh he's come close.
and it's not just him i think the last part to us totally connecting is me letting my guard down fully.
because i don't mean to,
but it's still kind of held in place.

baby steps.

baby steps.

everything happens in time,
when it's meant to.
it'll feel right.

with everything.
i've realized this applies to eating as well =P

anyways i'll leave you all now.
i'mma miss you all
and i'm fucked when i come back and have to read a weeks worth of blogs D=

ohgee look i'm getting thinner ! 
i don't have to squeeze into the 3s anymore. 
they actually fit good like they're supposed to. 
though my legs still hold alot of fat xD

all of you lovelies go listen to 
What's a Girl to Do by Bats For Lashes. 
or any song by them. 
i'm in love haha. =]


Sunday, June 13, 2010

I remember things in fragments.

a thought from some unknown time
a silent video,
an image,
a conversation.

rarely are any of the two pieced together.
but i suppose it happens on occasion.

I remember throwing out the peanut butter sandwiches.
I hated peanut butter sandwiches i had them every day.

i remember getting terrible terrible cravings for peanut butter sandwiches.
i loved peanut butter sandwiches.

i remember mom buying me a jar of peanut butter when i had some teeth taken out
i remember eating it with a spoon.

i still eat peanut butter with a spoon.

i remember throwing out apples,
i liked apples but i threw them out.
i always threw out bananas,
i refused to eat them if they had the slightest bruise.

i remember going to the doctor in grade 4,
him telling my mother i was 19% underweight.
I still remember that distinct number,
i wore it like a badge,
flaunted it when possible.

i was so tall and thin for my age,
so pretty,
i would be a model.

i remember it was a game to have the lowest weight
me and my best friend Chelsea would always compare
working to be the best
"I'm such and such pounds"
"yea well my doctor says i'm this much underweight"
"yea well i only eat this much"
"yea well i've never weighed that much !"

i remember the dismay when i was starting middle school,
we went to mariposa to find me new clothes,
i remember being upset i couldn't find anything in a 00.

i remember the glee when i had to buy a child's size 14 underwear in grade 8.

i remember my mother offering me pants she'd found at this or that
i would fold them in half and realize in my head that her pants folded in half were more my size.
i thought this to myself alot.

i look back on the occasional picture of myself and think wow,
i was so fucking thin.

i felt it's power,
i was in control i was on top i was the best i was ME.

i think everything only started to slip when my weight did.
as i started gaining more,
life started becoming more difficult.
not really difficult,
but more of a chore.

i ahte admitting that i'm fucking lazy.
but that's what it boils down to.

as i gained more weight,
my grades dropped,
i became more and more shy,
more and more afraid.

my control was slipping,
and i was weakly reaching out,
only to brush my fingers along the bones of my thin self,
slowly whisking away.

i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

i'm going to sleep soon,
i'm overtired.

but i think i'm going to look on the family computer and see if i can find any old pictures of myself.
i think there are a couple hanging around.



Saturday, June 12, 2010

"And maybe I was afraid of the intimacy, the exposure, the vulnerability. Or it may have been what so many eating-disordered women report: a fear of having their bodies seen as being excessive, having their faces show response, having their voices leap out, unbidden, uncontrolled, having their passion diverted from it's chose focus-death-into something more frightening still: life."

This is very true.
i agree with all of this completely,
though i suppose i don't see myself as being focussed on death.
I don't see a purpose to die when there are so many things left to achieve.

I am reading Wasted.
Sadly enough,
she wrote that book to turn people off of anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders,
yet her book appears to be a bible in our circle.

Poor Marya.

though the book is not done yet.

It is quite interesting.


Apparently i look like i lost alot of weight
coming from my mother,
the obsessive dieter.

i panicked for a second.
we were gettting into swimsuits to tan,
i came out in a bra-band and a skirt.
she looks at me and goes "you've lost alot of weight."
not really.
"but youve lost alot around your waist and off your bum, turn around."
i turn.
"yea you have. you're a skinny minnie now."

subject change,
no further comment.

mom will be the first to notice,
she always comments on how she cant stuff me food anymore.
thank god.

at least she noticed,
that makes me feel a perverse sort of pleasure.

i'm getting thereeee =]


What a curious creature I am.
I've called myself,
a walking contradiction,
for years.

but I truly am.

I'm always changing,
always a different person day to day

one day i'm Susie Sex-kitten
the next day i'm Nancy Nun-derwear.

I'm terrified of sex.
yet i'm intrigued.
I want it.
But i'm scared of it.

I hate feeling vulnerable.
you can't cry in front of people.
you can't make noises,
god forbid you shoudl say anything.

you feel safe for a moment and let some little innane thought slip out
he mentions it days later,
he liked that you said it,
but you burn with embarassment and self-hate
berate yourself,
why the fuck did you say that you know you're supposed to keep quiet

don't let anything out don't let him know exactly how you feel.

then he can't hurt you.

you're safe,
you're in control,
you can hide.

whenever we get intimate,
when he's really turned on,
S's eyes go the most amazing shade of turquoise.
I love it.
but it terrifies me.
because I don't want to look in his eyes because that's worse than being naked.

when he strips me of all my clothes i have nothing to hide behind
he sees me uncovered.

but when he looks into my eyes i have nothing to hide my soul
and that's really terrifying.
because then he sees everything.

i hate feeling vulnerable.

But just thinking about that look he gives me.
just picturing his face,
his eyes,
the colour,
the feeling,

it can turn me on in a second.
but it makes me want to cry it's so terrifying.
so much emotion,
i've never seen before.

i keep saying that being with S is like no one i've been with before
I feel things for him I thought I was incapable of.
And those turquoise eyes charged with eroticism
can't tell a word of a lie to me about his feelings for me.

Am I strange to have all my little feelings ?
I'm afraid to touch him.
In general a bit,
but mostly I'm afraid to touch .. you know ahah.
I'm afraid to speak my opinions,
to communicate my wants or needs.
God forbid i should direct him if I get the slightest inclination.
I'm afraid to make a single noise.
I'm afraid to look him in the eyes.
I'm afraid to take control whatsoever.
I'm so easily embarrassed by my naivety,
my inexperience.

i'm just scared.
Am I that strange ?

Some purely sexual thinspo for all you lovelies.


I know most are different angles, 
different distances from camera, 
but i can't help but crave some sort of comparison. 

about 10 fucking pounds weight difference 
2 sizes, almost 3,
and i look pretty much the exact fucking same. 

that's a slap in the fucking face. 

this was a picture D took of my today.

I'm laying on my stomach,
my distendedoverfulldisgustinglyfatjustateuntilicouldburst stomach
my legs are in the air,
i'm kicking and kicking in hopes of at least keeping busy
fidget fidget
i'm holding back tears,
i'm on webcam with S can't cry can't cry
everything is kind of coming together and upsetting me so much right now
school boyfriend exboyfriend fat food life

i'm holding back vomit
everytime i burp alittle in my mouth i have to stop myself
because i realize almost too late it's not a burp it's vomit
but i can't throw up oh no mustn't do that
it's unacceptable bad that could lead to terrible things everyone will know you'll be caught
that's why i don't throw up
why i binge but never purge
the thoughts
the inherent knowledge that presents itself to me as i eat and eat and stuff myself
but i can't let it all out that's not something i can do that's not.

papa called and told mom i'm failing biology
and photo,
but i knew that i dropped it
but biology i didn't really expect
and now i'm terrified what if i fail omfg i can't do that
fuck i'm so dumb so dumb can't do any work too dumb lazy fat you sit here doing nothing when you could be doing something productive homework

try not to throw up don't let yourself throw up
but i want to so bad.
i just know i can't.

i want dee to fucking go to sleep so i can have a fucking smoke.

i nicced out pretty bad tday,
and realized i was niccing out yesterday
because i hadn't hada smoke since wednesday.
and i've been having about 3 a day
which is more than my usual at all.
i'ver never nicced out.

what am i doing to myself.

at least i am looking skinnier
though i'm still fucking eating fatty
i hate eating it makes me hurt makes me sick makes me disgusting.

my boobs shrank.
i've been obsessing over this daily
none of my bras fit even the small 32D ones
i'ms cared i'll go back to a 32B
i knew though somewhat detachedly that i would shrink
but now it's happening i'm not impressed
somehow i guess i just though i'd keep my boobs
but whatever.
thin thin thin.
i can go down to a B as long as im thin thin at least a size 1.
but size 0 would be perfection.
a nice empty number that signifies no space being taken up
the ultimate epitomization of thin.


Friday, June 11, 2010

I miss having my intellectuality challenged.
When i was younger and hungry for knowledge and experience,
it was so much easier,
everything was challenging.
but now everything is so simple,
everyone is so below my level,

it's like my intelligence just lays there festering in a corner.
like a prisoner in the bastille,
eyes closing and pussing,
shrivelling into nothing through disuse.

it's ironic how opposite me and S are.
he's not an unintelligent person,
his intelligence and poeticism surprise even me at times.
but he's not intellectual like i am.
he doesn't challenge me whatsoever.

i don't know what can challenge me anymore.

ugh fuck i'm so emotional today it's gross.

i've been eating ice cream all day i feel ugly and fat
yes i actually feel ugly today.

i had some sushi today,
and french fries,
but i've been noshing on ice cream to make my tongue feel better
until now,
at the point where my stomach feels distended,
and i feel like throwing up.

i just don't know what to dooooos about anything.

i want my fucking extensions.
i'm tired of this short hair shit.

i want to graduate and get my career (s ?) going

i'm going to ask my CEAP counselor if i can have my contact number changes
since i'll be attending CEAP fulltime rather than normal school
i'd like to just be contacted instead of my grandparents.

because papa gets drunk and freaks out on me for something i already have under control.
and it upsets me.
i can't stand it.

i need out.

another 6 months.
I can do it.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

I can't believe I even posted during that
I feel kind of ashamed.

Something else you might not know about me :
I'm one of those people described in the movie "Anger Management"
There are two kinds of people,
the one bitching to the cashier about anything and everything
and the cashier,
who sits there and quietly takes it,
day after day,
until eventually it all piles up,
and one day they freak out and bring a shotgun into work.

of course,
i don't take my angers out on anyone,
i try to avoid people especially if i think i'm going to blow up
like last night
i hurt S by being a bitch and just signing out
but at least I didn't stay on to hurt him more.

it's the lesser of two evils,
i suppose.

i'm sorry you all had to read my self-piteous rant.
I'm quite disgusted with myself.
Of course I often don't appreciate the way i am
but it's only on black days that i'm so terribly suicidal and self-hating.

though last night turned more into a purple night.
like a deep maroon, or plum.
Blue for despair, pain,
Yellow for insanity,
and red for anger and hate.
Of myself,
but anger still.

I don't know.
I'm ridiculous.
I'm sorry.

but thank you for your lovely comments ladies.
J and Adeline,
you both made me cry xD
You're both amazingly lovely women.
and J I don't comment often on your blogs either,
but I do read every one as well.

I think today has shifted back into gray.
more like a slate-gray,
dark with .. what's the word ..
desolation maybe ?
i don't know.
but still gray and confusing.

leave it to me to go get a tongue piercing when i'm starting to get sick
i had that fever last night,
and today my entire throat is swollen,
and my tongue doesn't hurt the same way,
but it's swollen and sore and feels like my glands,
dormant pain.

i feel disgustingly sick right now
and whenever i talk i sound like a fucking idiot xD

even if i wanted to i doubt i could eat
my tongue has swollen the length of the bar,
and it's hard to even drink water.

i made myself a bowl of alphaghetti last night
left it on the coffee table after i'd had maybe 2 bites ?
i planned to eat it today
but dee was asleep and i scraped it into the toilet
if anyone asks,
i did eat it.

i'm 123 today.
so at least i'm still losing.

I got 47 bucks from babysitting,
so i'm hoping to go get those boots.
but if they don't fit i'll take it as a sign.
if they do,
that is one as well.

i need travel-sized mouthwash and halls.
right meow.

aughh kay day is lightening to a more misty gray
because now it's more sick and confused haha
one more day,
tomorrow is the third day,
and on the third day the swelling hits it's peak and goes down
so after tomorrow my tongue will not be a bother whatsoever.

i can't believe it's been so long
since i actually wanted to get my tongue done in the first place xD
i've wanted it for at least 3 years,
probably more like 4.

anyways I am sorry ladies.
i'm not normally that bad.

hopefully going with mummy to get her hair done will make me feel better.
i think i'll treat myself to ice cream if possible,
since i can't have anything else anyways xD



collapse on the floor and crawl to a corner to cry my face off
tear out my eyes
gouge out my tongue
rip my wrist to shreds
anything i can fucking do to hurt myself

what a fucking bitch
what the fuck have i become where did this come from

how can i fucking do this to S he shouldn't care about me
if i was at all a good person i'd cut him loose
not keep doing this to him

but no i'm a selfish fucking bitch

oh what's that ?
what am i ?

she squanders it all away wasting her life
fucking around with the people she cares about
she's a glutton for punishment,
she's a masochist,
she loves to be hurt.
she does it all because she hates herself so much that all she can think to do is punish herself.
oh she pretends all is lovely and shiny and golden and pretty and wonderful
but it's a fucking facade
it's a fucking painting hiding the secret corridor
that will take you to a dark room dank with sweaty stone
there you'll see a bitter deranged woman
cackling as she shreds her skin wherever she can reach
bleeding and screaming and laughing and crying and laughing again

this is the me i like to hide.
people don't like this me.

it gets to the point where i don't know if this is the me on my darkest days
or if this is the me that always lurks inside
lying in wait behind the pretty portrait that hides her from sight.

Aughhh i want Sallyyy
i want to crawl intoa  corner and cry and cry i'm such a fuckup such a failure
why do i do this to everyone why do i do this to myself
why aren't i nice smart beautiful thin wonderful loved ?
because i'm not a human being.
i'm just some hideous creature hiding under this mask of flesh.

You can't undo what's been done.
And sorry doesn't always cut it.
even if it works for now,
there will come a day where it won't be enough.
and you'll regret the day you let your first squall into the air.


- I keep making food and not eating it.
Or taking a bite and throwing it out.
Good, but i feel like a wasteful bitch.

- I'm too touchy lately.
I think the more i'm in pain the more of a bitch i am.

- Got my tongue pierced today.
The swelling is a bitch.
I'm popping ibuprofen like they're candy.

- Saw some gorgeous slouchy ankle boots today
40 bucks
red leather
in a second hand shop.
except they're 8 1/2 - 9.
i'm gonna have to try them on but WANT WANT WANT

- babysat today and made 47$

- had somewhat of a fever today while babysitting.
chills, overheated, shaking, swollen glands, fevery-skin, and emotionalness

yeaa even now alittle bit
i think it's coming from the swelling of my tongue.
but i keep like randomly cryingggg
haha half cuz of the pain,
half cuz of .. iduhno the pain ? xD

- S is pissed at me
cuz i kinda jokingly then seriously got pissed at him
he said something like "for the next 10 days fifa is going to be better than sex"
and so i closed the cam to be pissed off =P
except i didn't leave it at a joke
i continued to be pissed off.

i've been doing this too much lately.
now he's mad at me i can tell.
but i'm mad at him just because i'm grouchy,
i guess.

aughh i just want to sit down and cry my fucking face off.
as you can see my emotions are all over the place today.

augh fuck S no please just don't talk to me
because then i'll flip out or whatever.
i don't know.

least i was 124 again today.
or 123, can't tell exactly.
stupid analog scales.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

let's have a bitch blog.

ohkay not really because S just texted me something really cute
and i just can't be grouchy when he's all cutesy xD

so i woke up and laid half asleep in bed for like half an hour
and i was daydreaming/thinking about when i move out
and so i decided to (for the millionth time) look up apartment listings, job listings, etc.
look up all the things i'd need to take care of when i move out
and make sure i can budget it all

it's always the cellphones that piss me off.
and i can't get one on a contract =/
but i just want a nice damn phone =/

i found some apartments for 600-725 $ in Chilli.,
which is where i plan to move back after i grad
so i can move to Van. for design school in a couple years

i'm scared to go apply at stores.
i'm so afraid of rejection,
so afraid i'll go through all that work and no one will like me and hire me
and i'll be left jobless for another fucking season.

i'm so shy,
i actually get too scared to apply to get a job
which is why i never have a job,
because it's rare when i have the confidence and attitude to go apply
it takes alot of guts from me to just go to a store and fucking put in a resume.
is that pathetic or what ?
i just want a fucking job.
i need a job.

at least i'm looking for a full time job,
not a part time one.
since i'm going to do online schooling for my last semester,
and just save to move out after i grad.
cuz if i can swing it,
i want to be fucking gone within a week after my grad.

ugh i'm so pathetic i'm like crying xD
i'm just anxious i want to get out and on my own
i want it so so so bad
and i need/want a job so so so bad
i need to be pulling my life together and getting shit done
not being a ridiculous fatty pile of human waste

i gained a pound again today.
i keep eating
i always eat so much with mom
we're terrible together.

i'm 125.
i need to stop this shit.
i NEED this tongue piercing today.

augh i just need to get back and get a job
please please please whoever the fuck is in charge of this cosmic shit
if i can get up the guts to actually go and apply to some stores
can you please please please let someone actually hire me ?
i'm such a good worker,
i only do jobs i love and i only apply somewhere i know i'd love
i work great with everyone
and come on,
i'm tri-lingual,
that's GOTTA get me somewhere.

haha gosh.
i don't know what's wrong with me,
sorry guys.

I'm just falling apart alittle right now,
NBD, or anything.


Monday, June 7, 2010

I hate the lack of garbage cans here in Chilli.
(And I don't mean Chili as in the country fyi xD )

but anyways
they would have saved me from eating 3/4 of a large fries from McD's
though i did leave a bit at the end like i'm trying to do with everything
and B ate a bunch when we were hanging out today
so I ate about 3/4 i think.

and i had half a soy strawberries and creme frappuccino

and now i'm drinking water w. crystal light
and sucking on a baskin robbins ice cream candy
it's mint chocolate and it's 10 calories
i got a pack of mint chocolate and cookies and cream
i figured they can kill alot of my chocolatey and sugary cravings

despite yesterdays slight binge
i was 124 this morning.
my thighs still don't rub when i walk
but fuck i am nowhere near where i need to be.
being back here with mom made me forget slightly
but omfg i just can't let myself go again
i have to keep going i want this so bad
soooo bad.

it was good to see B
we're hanging out again all day tomorrow. =]
we talked about all sorts of things,
alot about our respective relationships
haha little bit of a talk about our sexy lifes ;D
lol but no extreme details
though we probably will get into detail tomorrow xD
god i love the jokes we make to each other.
he can't wait for me to move back next year =P

fuckering eh
whenever i get back into Chilli.,
cuz of all the pollution in the air compared with Pville,
my throat gets all sore and i get a bit sick
so i had a smoke today on my walk to see B
and it burned my throat D=
cuz it hurtssss.

went to Supreme to see if they had any openings
but they're not open til tomorrow =/
so me and B will walk there and hopefully i can make an appointment
and get my tongue pierced sometime this week

for one thing,
i've wanted my tongue pierced for like 3 years.
and for another thing it means i won't be able to eat much
so that'll just be like reinforcement.

ewww my thighs are still soooo fat
bleh bleh squish ewww.
they need to go now haha.
but they'll go away slowly i suppose.

i find it amusing that through some magical mother-daughter telepathy,
when we both bought crystal light the other day
out of all the flavours we could have gotten
we both got the same one,
acai with papaya and something or other
xD we have the same tastes.

rawer i'm tired.

thanks for all your lovely comments ladies =]
i'm still not where i want to be
but i know i can get there
and hten i will be amazing and perfect
i want to be deserving of your wonderful comments.


I'm the girl with the hello kitty bandaid always around her toe

i'm the girl with the tropical flavoured condoms in her purse

i'm the girl who can't say no to sushi and bubble tea

i'm the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve

i'm the girl who will take any opportunity to get a piercing

i'm the girl always with a pen at hand

i'm the girl who cries over a dead bird

i'm the girl with the lipstick-stained cigarette

i'm the girl who refuses to hurt anyone

i'm the girl with crazy hopes and dreams

i'm the girl who will make them all happen.

I am me.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

I measured the things i'm watching closer
my hipbones/muffintop area : 33"
waist : 25"
hips : 37"

so i have to lose 4" off my hips,
2 off my waist,
and my hipbone area can just slim down however flatteringly. xD

but i discovered
i fit into a size 3 now =]
albeit i'm on the 3/5 end more so
but in 3 pounds when i reach 120
i'll be exactly a 3 perfectlyy =D
but i still fit a 3,
just .. tighter haha.
BUT point is that i finally fit my old 3 jeans again !
so i figured i'd update and post some shotty webbycam pics haha

that's standing feet shoulder-width apart.

ribs are shadows of what's to come.

thighs don't touch when i walk anymore. 
though barely.

spine is becoming visible slowlyy

slimming down.

the last picture is just to show my collarbones, 
and my developing xylophone =]

swear to god though i'm skinnier in the morning 

i love how amazing you feel when you haven't eaten for hours though
so thin and powerful and perfect =]
that's what keeps me from eating. <3

anyways there's my oh so attractiveness =P

haha but whatever. 
i'm only 1 size away from my tentative goal 
and 2 sizes from my ultimately perfect goal. 

so excited =]
hopefully i come back from a week in Chilli. 115 pounds =]
although as long as i get to 117 i'll be satisfied for that week. 

keep going girlies. 
perfection and happiness is just a breath away. 

when i get to my tentative goal i'll post good-quality pictures.
and my perfection goal i'll do model-y pictures. 

Just to remind myself
for when i do my measurements later
(and in the morning once my fatness of the day melts down)

26/27 is about a size 3

37" hips is about a size 3/5
(already just forgot whether it was a size 3 or 5 but i'm pree sure 3)

35" hips are about a 1/3
33" hips are about a 0



I'm gone for one day,
and I come back with 6 new followers !
i now have FIFTEEN.
that's so amazing =]

hello all and i love you to pieces already !

leaving to go stay with mom tomorrow
S just left alittle while ago.
he slept over.

well ...
we didn't really sleep much.
tbh, we got 4 hours of sleep xD

and on a slightly inappropriate side-note,
if you're to use flavoured condoms,
the strawberry flavoured ones actually taste like strawberry.

not that I like ..
sucked on one.
haha i just know that S was intrigued by the fact
that his fingers tasted like strawberries after =P

i got my excel white bubblemint gum again
i missed ittttt haha

fuck yes.
i got canadians. ;D

anyways so yea.
had popcorn yesterday.
not a whole lot,
like maybe 1/4 of the bag,
if that even.
and then i ate a haagen dazs ice cream bar
some chips and salsa
and then i had a little handful of these crunchy covered peanuts
and i had a block of after eight chocolate
and all that day as far as meals went,
i had one applesauce.

so for a weekend,
and a binge,
i didn't eat bad at all.
considering i prolly burned it all of and then some,
lol and in the morning when i showered i was at 123,

i ate an applesauce for breakfast
and then some more peanuts,
about half a chocolate bar,
and for dinner i just had a tofu dog with spicy relish
(i left two bites,
so i ate like 3/4)
and then a couple of french fries.

notttt a bad day at all, really.
considering my weekends have larger allowances.
and the exercise xD
and i just don't have much inclination to eat lately.
i don't enjoy eating,
after feeling how amazing fasting feels.

not only that.
because i've never enjoyed eating per se
but now i just don't want to eat.
i can go a whole day on coffee and an applesauce =P
especially with cigarettes.

so anyways,
i'm in a pretty good mood today.
my stomach is getting flatter.
all of my muscles ACHE LIKE BITCHES
haha i have scratches all down my back ....

and i'll start jogging in chilliwack,
nothing fucking else to do xD

N texted me today.
If i start hanging with her i'll add her back to my characters sidebar.
i think i deleted her before.

only bad thing about last night :
my dahlias cut into the skin all around them on the inside of my mouth
so they're swollen and sore and cut and ouchies.
but i get a week of rest for them,
and i'll do saltwater soaks.

S saw my wrist.
they don't look obvious at the moment
but they're clearly not just old scars.
i'm assuming he doesn't care.
at one point today he even ran his finger over them.

aaaand he joked about how my ass jiggles when he taps it.
then he followed up with
"I wasn't going to say that because i only meant it as a joke
and i didn't want to upset you because i like you the way you are
so you shouldnt change yourself"
and i was like "well i don't like me the way i am so i should.

he made a comment too about love.
he was saying how Mikki told him if he ever says he loves me without meaning it,
she's going to kick his ass.
and i told him even if i said it,
not to say it until he meant it.
i'm the type of person who will blurt out any random comment
at any given time
just so long as i feel i want it to be known.
i just about told him i loved him a couple times.
but i don't want to say it just yet.
I love him,
but do i love him enough to say i love him ?

i'll leave you now darlings.
and i hope you are all doing amazingly in whatever you are doing. =]

MeBeautiful ?

Friday, June 4, 2010

Well, omg.
one of my favourite bloggers FreakShizz from Take Me Down To The Paradise City
gave me the Beautiful Blogger award.
And omg i was shockeddd
i'm still accepting the fact that i've got 9 followers =P

but i am soooo sooo loving you for this dollface.,
thank you thank you =]

jeepers, this thing was more work than i thought !
but alrighty,
here we go,
7 things you probably didn't know about me.

there are so many things i could tell xD

  1. I have an obsession with notebooks. It started when i was very very young, I don't even remember when. I just get this euphoric rush when i write on the first page of a new notebook. All crisp and clean and beautiful and just waiting. And I love all the covers, and types of pages. I've had many over the years. =P
  2. I'm like a magpie, I get told this all the time. I will literally stop in midsentence to take off in the opposite direction to go and pet a pretty thing. Especially if it's sparkly. Oooo sparklyyy ... 
  3. I write everything in cursive. I hate writing in printing, drives me nuts. And I dot all my j's, i's, and punctuate with hearts =P
  4. I have been journalling since I was 4. I write poetry and stories, and I was published in a book when I entered a contest in grade 5.
  5. I'm a perfectionist, and i'm quite sure i'm somewhat obsessive compulsive. If i see something that isn't perfectly straight or parallel or even or whatever, like a picture, i'll run over to fix it. And I twitch when people move it back to piss me off. I'm also obsessive over other people's writing styles, pronunciation, and grammar.
  6. A couple months ago my mom got a plastic ring out of a gumball machine. I wore it one day just to wear some jewelry, and it just became a part of my daily wardrobe. The day I don't wear it, will be a bad day. The day I put it on with the lettering facing away from me, I expect that to be a terrible day as well. It's bright blue, and in yellow lettering it says "Live", and it just became my daily reminder to keep living.
  7. I love to be spontaneous, and do silly or outrageous things just to say i've done them. I detest planning, i loooathe planning. When you plan something, it never lives up to it's expectations, or things get changed, and i just want to do it RIGHT FUCKING MEOW ! I want to do it when I got the urge, not later on. =P

my bloggers that I think deserve this lovely award.
One of my first choices was Cat,
but she's had it before and FreakShizz gave it to her too anyways =P

I picked 13 bloggers,
because they are my absolute favourites,
and 13 is my favourite number.

Your blog,
even just to look at,
is sooo gorgeous.
You are a complete bombshell,
you're an amazing person,
you write comletely tear-provokingly beautifully,
and your inside is as stunning as your outside.
You're the package deal,
and the most gorgeous woman, hun.

You were one of my early favourites.
I like how you keep things simple,
and you are so bold about everything.
I envy you your gorgeous body and your model looks.
And come on,
you are just amazing to have gone from 145 or however much you were
to 118 where you are now.

You sound so cute and fun !
I'm so sorry you have all the issues you're going through,
I really wish i could be there for you when you need someone.
and jesus girl,
you weigh like 10 pounds less than me !

You are such a sweet woman.
But on the other hand you have your ferocious wild side,
and you aren't afraid of it.
I love that !
you're so honest,
and I like your courageous attitude.

You are such a sweet girl.
You sound like you're a total riot to party with as well =P
I would love to get to know you better,
and I love reading your blog.

You were honestly the first blog I ever followed.
That was awhile back.
You were what got me back into losing weight,
and caring more about my body.
And ohmygod,
your writing is simply amazing.
I found it interesting
that we went through the same childhood intelligence thing =P
you're an amazingly strong person and I adore you and your writing.

Your blog is sooo ....
I love how your posts are so cryptic.
They keep me on my toes,
always wondering if there's some hidden message,
some step i'm missing in understanding some of your posts.
But they're all amazing,
I adore them and you.

les jeune fille a les oiseaux
Your posts are beautiful,
to the point.
I love the pictures you choose,
and I enjoy your blog immensely.

Afternoon Tea
Your writing is just gorgeous.
You make me want to sit on a veranda in white wicker chairs
looking over the properties at a willow tree,
sipping expensive teas from bone china,
and discussing beautiful poetry.

Your posts are amazing.
I can't go a day without hearing from you,
seeing your inspiring and touching writing.

You have been on hiatus for exams,
I believe.
I miss you !
You with your beautiful face,
beautiful body,
and wonderful stories.
Come back soon lovely. =]

I met you on PrettyThin !
You're a total sweetheart,
and your resolve is amazing.
I love hearing the stories of your life,
and I never tire of grinning whenever i read "quorn sausages".
Don't ask why,
i'm not quite sure.
I think it's the combination of the strange word,
and sausages,
tickling at my immaturity =P
good luck with losing that last bit,
and keep being amazing.

Oh god !
sooo much more work than i thought
Now it's 2 in the morning.
i'll notify all you lovely ladies that I tagged you on the morrow.

for now,
im going to try and get some beauty sleep.
Lord knows I need it. =P

Oh, DidIMention ?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

That purple and black paisley halter i put on today
the totally gorgeous one
that makes me look even thinner ?

it's a size small.

it's too big. =]

yea, it keeps sliding down my back.

when nana goes to bed and i head over to my place,
i'll post a webbycam picture,
and my full stats.


GoodEw ?

I'm still not liking the whole eating thing.

I think what i'll do is follow my previous rules
(which i did follow for dinner tonight)

but also,
i won't eat unless it's something i actually truly want
or if it's actually something really worth eating.

if it doesn't taste good,
i'm not going to troop through it.
it's not worth making it into my body.

you are what you eat,
so if you're going to fill your body with things,
make it the best they can get
our bodies deserve the best.

we deserve the best.

in other words,
that's my way of saying dinner was shit.

we went to boston pizza to get some lasagne,
which turned into getting chicken canneloni
(ew i know chicken.)
and lasagne
(not vegetarian it was actually ew too D= )
and ravioli
(yep pretty sure that wasn't veggie either.
and it wasn't that good.)

baby steps.
i left a bite of ravioli on the plate.
well, two small bites,
one large one.

i took 4 raviolis,
a palm-sized square of lasagne only about a 1/2 inch thick
(yea this was bullshit food i'm telling you.)
and half a canneloni.
and then i had a handful of salad.

i didn't pile my dinner plate full,
but i did push it a touch.

baby steps.

then i had cake.
but i left like, 3 bites of it.
at least.
xD it was sooo chocolatey,
not really that good.

but yea.
i didn't miss eating.

i think i really will follow the 5 bite diet xD
because i don't want whatever it is i'm eating after the first bite really.
i just keep eating it to finish it.
and because i hope it will get better,
and somehow manage to actually satisfy me.
which it doesn't.

so stop looking for satisfaction in food, ladies.
it isn't there.

the creation of a beautiful meal;

painting, drawing, writing a beautiful piece of art;

sexual encounters with attractive people;
VERY satisfying.


look for satisfaction in more emotional and physical ways,
and not in masticating crap.


When i grew up,
it was under circumstances worse than more get.
No, i wasn't physically abused
(although my mother was by a couple assholes.)
No, I never lived on the street.

But we were definitely on the poor rather than rich end of the spectrum.
we never had money for anything,
we lived in trailers,
beat down houses with falling-apart roofs.
we ate little to nothing,
and we were never choosy.

i grew up with a taste for anything,
because i was exposed to such variety.

but i also grew up being careful NOT to waste.
finish everything on your plate don't even think of leaving anything.

as i got older i got more leeway.
but it was already habit.

so now,
that's why i can't just eat a little.

but i'm going to use a couple tricks.

1: use a side plate rather than a dinner plate.
2: don't fill it up just because it's a side plate. put proportionate portions on it.
3: leave a bit "for the angels".

the last is something my nana told me about yesterday.
she was grouching good-humouredly
(or not so much ?)
about how my auntie buddy never eats or drinks everything,
she always leaves a tiny bit,
"for the angels".
she said the day she leaves nothing is the day she dies.

i think even just to make sure no matter what no one over eats,
that is a good way to go about it.
and it's a cute habit to get into =]

so there we go.

with these tips,
i can really eat whatever the fuck i want.

and if i'm eating sweets or high-calorie things,
i'm only allowed 5 bites.

don't EVER finish or EVER go back for fucking seconds
unless it's my goddamn birthday.
thats the exception,
on my birthday i'm allowed whatever the fuck cake i want.
that's it =P

i shall do fine.


I'm vaguely pissed off at myself.
I deleted my measurements block awhile ago
because i thought it was too much on the page.

but then i realize i don't know if/where i wrote down my previous measurements
i'm pissed because now i feel and look skinnier,
i want to know the difference.
it drives me mad because i do not know.

perhaps there is a method of tracking down what they were.
but it drives me crazy.

i'm pretty sure the tops of my thighs were 22 1/2 before
and now they're 21

my hipbone/muffintop area is now ... god i can't remember but i know it's smaller
i can hardly pinch the parts where i had "squishies" on my muffintop.

for the longest time i couldn't figure out
why my dermals were so far from my hipbone
i could've sworn that two years ago i'd gotten them pierced so close to the bone
but i've understood now it's because of the fat,
making them squish closer to my navel.
because now they're at my hipbone again =]

i turned to the side this morning and felt completely thin.

though there is still much to lose on my legs.

we'll see if we can't hunt up that measurement list =P
i'll measure everything in a bit and update,
post it.
i know i've shrunk at least a bit in everything.
i didn't weigh myself this morning,
and there's no point weighing now.
so i'll weigh myself tomorrow morning.
hopefully i'm at 120,
but holy crow i would be so ecstatic if i was below.
even if it was just 119.

on saturday i'm going to stay with mom for a week
it'll be a nice break,
i can work on my online stuff,
so if i don't finish my french at least 75% and my socio completely,
then i'm a failure,
a waste of space.

i'm thinking this fast is a wonderful thing.
maybe all the fat from the food i've been eating has clogged my bloodstream
poisoned the blood flowing to my brain and throughout my body
making me sluggish and numb

because for the past couple days i've felt motivated,

i feel physically a little tired,
at the moment.
my eyes are a bit tired and dry.
but i actually feel ....

you can't imagine how amazing this is,
considering i've become used to being numb,
and asleep all day.
that's just my norm.

i'm loving this.
and i'm loving the thin feeling.

i think on friday i might start eating,
but using the 5-bite diet
and i think i'll just stick to that for awhile

so then i'm eating somewhat,
but i'm not going crazy
and i'm still gonna get the amazing "i'm not eating like a hog" feeling.

Syd walked up to me in sewing today and poked my stomach,
saying "Skinny mini."
i smiled. =P

I found a halter top i'd gotten awhile ago,
black and purple paisley,
totally gorgeous.

i put it on with yoga pants
(laundry day.)

S loves purple,
though i didn't remember this until half through the day.
i saw him at lunch and he just wrapped his arms around my stomach and like cuddled my shirt xD
he kept saying i LIKE this shiiirt !
it is a fucking cute shirt though.
it makes me look even thinnnerrrrr. =]

still legs.
must go.
go away leg fat.

i'm starting that bum workout at least tonight.
even if i do nothing but that a couple times a week
and walk alot like i normally do,
then i should tone up nicely without going too much.

when the weather's nice i will start jogging =]

i want to start eating.
i just want to have a bite of this,
a bite of that.
i don't feel like filling my stomach at all.
but i'd like to eat again.

i want to start eating.
but when i do will this lovely feeling go away ?
i don't want to start eating.
but i do.

it's my third
(technically my fourth)
day without eating other than liquids
so today wouldn't be a bad time to start eating.
so people stop being suspicious =/

ooooo ....
i'll make something actually worth eating,
and i'll eat 5 bites.
for dinner.
start off slow.

i guess that means i have to weigh myself for HFC.
i'll do that in a bit then.

didn't get my fucking smokes today.
Winnie wasn't at school.
I swear to god if she isn't at school to give me my smokes tomorrow
if i don't get my pack before i fucking leave for a week,
i'm going to fucking freak right the fuck out.


Hahahahaaaaa. Fuck.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sooo i accidentally said too much i think
and put myself pretty close to the red zone
where mom is gonna be onto my eating.

so it's still only like day 2 of the liquid fast for me

and we were all talking about dieting
(my mom is always dieting)
and i was saying oh for my dahlias i was supposed to go on a liquid diet for 2 weeks
they've been so swollen

and mom was like you're not going on a liquid diet.

and i was like oh gosh no
i've just been eating less chewy foods

trying to throw her off the scent of my actual liquid diet.

haha she's terrible.

i don't know if i can make this fast last another day
somebody might notice if i eat soup another day in a row
nana is going to notice if i go another day without breakfast

blechhh i might make 3 days if i'm lucky.

but i don't want to eat really =[

once i start eating again i'm gonna not be able to fucking stop !



Didn't feel hungry today.

ate a can of mushroom soup today anyways.
i ate the mushrooms,
it was too annoying to avoid them.
it's probably cheating on my fast,
but they were tiny,
so unless Adeline disagrees ?
i'll let it slide.

had crazy energy today.
tackled a unit in socio,
plan on getting some french done,
cleaned and organized my trailer
(took 2 hours ffs.)
and then the office took an hour.

mommy is here,
she came to visit because Dee pulled an LG stunt
and they had to have a family "intervention".
mom's going to the SOS tomorrow
so she can get Dee in programs and counselling.

i find it ironic that all the focus is always on her xD
but whatever.
i'm the eldest,
i'm supposed to be strong enough to work it all through on my own.

i prefer my life fucked up thanks =P
haha noooo.
i don't know.

i'm drained right now,
i don't know if you can tell by reading this,
but it's almost hard to type,
i'm sooo tired.

i had a dream i was in paris,
and i was sitting in a mall or something
and talking to this girl who was trying to get me to speak better french
and i was doing really well,
and i knew all that i was actually saying
just interesting.
i need to get my french finished.

i have a bio final exam,
that scared me a touch.
and i donno if i mentioned but when i found out i've got a midterm and final in french
i nearly burst into tears =P

we'll see,
i'm sure i'll do fine.

aughhh tiiiiired.

i have to ask still if S can spend the night friday.
i'd really like him too =P
hahaha obvvsss.

it's actually funny,
some days on my period i feel sexually starved !
but other days i'm like .. thank god i'm on my period.

i should be done tomorrow though,
 think i'm getting my "trick" day today.
do any of you get that ?
the day before the last day of your period
you have no flow whatsoever,
so you think it's done
and then you get it for one day and you're done =P

i missed my mommy.

i wonder if i can swing it so she can meet S before she goes ?

it's our one-month today =P
i'm not one to count weeks and months really.
but it's my personal record,
i've never dated someone longer than 2 weeks.

i'm tired.
i need a shower.
i need to drop another 15 pounds.

i find it strange that i've dropped almost 10 pounds,
and i look hardly any skinnier.
though i guess that's a good sign
meaning it's all coming off everywhere evenly ?

except i've calculated
that i only have 5 pounds to lose off my torso and arms
and then 10 off of my hips thighs and calves.
cuz that's where all my weight sits xD