Saturday, June 12, 2010
What a curious creature I am.
I've called myself,
a walking contradiction,
but I truly am.
I'm always changing,
always a different person day to day
one day i'm Susie Sex-kitten
the next day i'm Nancy Nun-derwear.
I'm terrified of sex.
yet i'm intrigued.
I want it.
But i'm scared of it.
I hate feeling vulnerable.
you can't cry in front of people.
you can't make noises,
god forbid you shoudl say anything.
you feel safe for a moment and let some little innane thought slip out
he mentions it days later,
he liked that you said it,
but you burn with embarassment and self-hate
why the fuck did you say that you know you're supposed to keep quiet
don't let anything out don't let him know exactly how you feel.
then he can't hurt you.
you're in control,
you can hide.
whenever we get intimate,
when he's really turned on,
S's eyes go the most amazing shade of turquoise.
I love it.
but it terrifies me.
because I don't want to look in his eyes because that's worse than being naked.
when he strips me of all my clothes i have nothing to hide behind
he sees me uncovered.
but when he looks into my eyes i have nothing to hide my soul
and that's really terrifying.
because then he sees everything.
i hate feeling vulnerable.
But just thinking about that look he gives me.
just picturing his face,
it can turn me on in a second.
but it makes me want to cry it's so terrifying.
so much emotion,
i've never seen before.
i keep saying that being with S is like no one i've been with before
I feel things for him I thought I was incapable of.
And those turquoise eyes charged with eroticism
can't tell a word of a lie to me about his feelings for me.
Am I strange to have all my little feelings ?
I'm afraid to touch him.
In general a bit,
but mostly I'm afraid to touch .. you know ahah.
I'm afraid to speak my opinions,
to communicate my wants or needs.
God forbid i should direct him if I get the slightest inclination.
I'm afraid to make a single noise.
I'm afraid to look him in the eyes.
I'm afraid to take control whatsoever.
I'm so easily embarrassed by my naivety,
i'm just scared.
Am I that strange ?