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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I just don't know what to do.
I just want to run and run and run from here
i don't want to fucking come back
do they not realize i was at this point before i got here ?
that this was what was fucking happening ?

do they not realize the more they try to pull me in and keep me here
the more i want to get out and never come back ?
fucking Dee goddamn talking to papa about things on my fucking wall.
fuck that shit.
i'm fucking tired of this.

fucking papa being pissed off.
FUCK YOU i'm fucking going to be moved out in SIX FUCKING MONTHS
if anybody would LET ME i'd be moved out NOW.

i've been crying every waking minute since 1030 this morning.

i got picked up by W and S at 12,
and we stayed out all night,
drove around, gamed, watched the sunrise,
drank energy drinks.

so much fucking fun.

then at W's gaming again
i think to myself i should call nana so she doesn't worry
at 1030 am
and hten i pick up S's phone
and see a voicemail from nana
and it's an angry fucking message

i can't stand when people are mad at me
especially when i think it's unjust
i can't stop crying.

i called my mommy
she talked to me about alot while i cried xD

i explained how i didn't want to stay here anymore,
how i knew i was only 17 but i was moving out soon,
and i felt so grown up and responsible,
and i felt like i should be getting to do what i want
i mean i came out here to be half moved out ffs.

she told me she knew i was growing up
and she didn't realize it til i moved here,
then came back to visit.
and each time i go back to see her she sees i'm alittle more grown up

she told me to talk to nana and papa
tell them i need a curfew and rules
but that i'm growing up and will be moved out shortly
that i am an adult.

but i can't fucking talk to them.
i can hardly even talk to my mother,
so how the fuck can i talk to my grandparents.

and what if the rules and curfews they set are worse ?

i want to run and run and run and run.
and the only one who would catch me is my mommy
and she's not here she's too far away.

even S.
i just want him to hold me and let me cry
i hate people seeing me cry but S and W saw me cry
S held me for like a second and tried to comfort me somewhat
but he's so .. adhd.
he can't just hold me til i'm better
he holds me for like a sec and then scoots off to the next thing.

i want my mommy so bad.
i don't know what to do.
i want to stop crying.
this is so ridiculous.
why can't i just leave.