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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm vaguely pissed off at myself.
I deleted my measurements block awhile ago
because i thought it was too much on the page.

but then i realize i don't know if/where i wrote down my previous measurements
i'm pissed because now i feel and look skinnier,
i want to know the difference.
it drives me mad because i do not know.

perhaps there is a method of tracking down what they were.
but it drives me crazy.

i'm pretty sure the tops of my thighs were 22 1/2 before
and now they're 21

my hipbone/muffintop area is now ... god i can't remember but i know it's smaller
i can hardly pinch the parts where i had "squishies" on my muffintop.

for the longest time i couldn't figure out
why my dermals were so far from my hipbone
i could've sworn that two years ago i'd gotten them pierced so close to the bone
but i've understood now it's because of the fat,
making them squish closer to my navel.
because now they're at my hipbone again =]

i turned to the side this morning and felt completely thin.

though there is still much to lose on my legs.

we'll see if we can't hunt up that measurement list =P
i'll measure everything in a bit and update,
post it.
i know i've shrunk at least a bit in everything.
i didn't weigh myself this morning,
and there's no point weighing now.
so i'll weigh myself tomorrow morning.
hopefully i'm at 120,
but holy crow i would be so ecstatic if i was below.
even if it was just 119.

on saturday i'm going to stay with mom for a week
it'll be a nice break,
i can work on my online stuff,
so if i don't finish my french at least 75% and my socio completely,
then i'm a failure,
a waste of space.

i'm thinking this fast is a wonderful thing.
maybe all the fat from the food i've been eating has clogged my bloodstream
poisoned the blood flowing to my brain and throughout my body
making me sluggish and numb

because for the past couple days i've felt motivated,

i feel physically a little tired,
at the moment.
my eyes are a bit tired and dry.
but i actually feel ....

you can't imagine how amazing this is,
considering i've become used to being numb,
and asleep all day.
that's just my norm.

i'm loving this.
and i'm loving the thin feeling.

i think on friday i might start eating,
but using the 5-bite diet
and i think i'll just stick to that for awhile

so then i'm eating somewhat,
but i'm not going crazy
and i'm still gonna get the amazing "i'm not eating like a hog" feeling.

Syd walked up to me in sewing today and poked my stomach,
saying "Skinny mini."
i smiled. =P

I found a halter top i'd gotten awhile ago,
black and purple paisley,
totally gorgeous.

i put it on with yoga pants
(laundry day.)

S loves purple,
though i didn't remember this until half through the day.
i saw him at lunch and he just wrapped his arms around my stomach and like cuddled my shirt xD
he kept saying i LIKE this shiiirt !
it is a fucking cute shirt though.
it makes me look even thinnnerrrrr. =]

still legs.
must go.
go away leg fat.

i'm starting that bum workout at least tonight.
even if i do nothing but that a couple times a week
and walk alot like i normally do,
then i should tone up nicely without going too much.

when the weather's nice i will start jogging =]

i want to start eating.
i just want to have a bite of this,
a bite of that.
i don't feel like filling my stomach at all.
but i'd like to eat again.

i want to start eating.
but when i do will this lovely feeling go away ?
i don't want to start eating.
but i do.

it's my third
(technically my fourth)
day without eating other than liquids
so today wouldn't be a bad time to start eating.
so people stop being suspicious =/

ooooo ....
i'll make something actually worth eating,
and i'll eat 5 bites.
for dinner.
start off slow.

i guess that means i have to weigh myself for HFC.
i'll do that in a bit then.

didn't get my fucking smokes today.
Winnie wasn't at school.
I swear to god if she isn't at school to give me my smokes tomorrow
if i don't get my pack before i fucking leave for a week,
i'm going to fucking freak right the fuck out.