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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

CanWrongBeRight ?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm at my wit's end.
i'm on my last straw,
and i don't know how much more i can take.

half of me wants to curl into the fetal position and just sob and wait until everything gets better
but the other half wants to just pack my bags and leave and make things better for myself.
the second half is bigger
but it's scared,
so scared.

i feel ridiculous that this is bothering me so much
but it's so huge for me,
i can't live with anyone that isn't my choice anymore
i need to move out and be on my own
i can't deal with this shit it's ridiculous

but i'm so scared
i just want to do things for me
but i'm so so scared
not of being out and on my own
but of facing everyone in my family and telling them i'm leaving.
because their "rule" was always no moving out til graduation.
hence why i decided i was gradding early a year ago.

but this is why i wish i didn't have to be the smart, sensible, together one in the family
just once,
i wish i was the badass,
the druggie, the one who sneaks out, gets pregnant,
all of that jazz.
because i don't believe one person in my family has just moved out,
my mom, my uncle riley, probably even buddy, uncle todd,
all were kicked out or left
for the above reasons or more

and i just fucking wish that it could be that easy
"I fucking want you out of the house right now !"
"sweet thanks."

instead it's more
"Can i please move out now ?"
"Not til graduation."

but i can't wait any longer
i'm tired of getting yelled at for stupid things
i don't do yelling

i got a callback from Spencer's,
i'm calling tomorrow and hoping it's an interview (most likely tbh it is.)
and if i get that job then i am gone.

Walty also got an interview and told me he wasn't taking the job
because they were offering 20 hours per week tops

money is money.
so long as i've got rent,
and some money for my cell phone,
and smokes,
i don't give a fucking about food and whatnot.

and they're bound to need more full time people at the end of the summer
so it could just be tight until september
either that or i can get a job somewhere else like mcdonalds
life would be so much simpler if the place i'm moving into wasn't in buttfuck nowhere
and my only way out
(since i don't even have a license let alone a care)
is Walty.
not that he minds driving me places,
but he's getting a job too, \
and unless we work at the mall together,
i'll potentially be screwed.
though i'm sure i can work things out,
i'm a smart cookie.

wish me the best lovelies.
i really don't know what to do.
but i know i'm on my last straw.

papa yelled and told me iw as grounded,
slammed my door,
told me it was his door.
Walty's band is playing at the beach tomorrow.
i'm fucking going,
and he can suck my dick.

i'll probably have an interview tomorrow anyways.