My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

this was a picture D took of my today.

I'm laying on my stomach,
my distendedoverfulldisgustinglyfatjustateuntilicouldburst stomach
my legs are in the air,
i'm kicking and kicking in hopes of at least keeping busy
fidget fidget
i'm holding back tears,
i'm on webcam with S can't cry can't cry
everything is kind of coming together and upsetting me so much right now
school boyfriend exboyfriend fat food life

i'm holding back vomit
everytime i burp alittle in my mouth i have to stop myself
because i realize almost too late it's not a burp it's vomit
but i can't throw up oh no mustn't do that
it's unacceptable bad that could lead to terrible things everyone will know you'll be caught
that's why i don't throw up
why i binge but never purge
the thoughts
the inherent knowledge that presents itself to me as i eat and eat and stuff myself
but i can't let it all out that's not something i can do that's not.

papa called and told mom i'm failing biology
and photo,
but i knew that i dropped it
but biology i didn't really expect
and now i'm terrified what if i fail omfg i can't do that
fuck i'm so dumb so dumb can't do any work too dumb lazy fat you sit here doing nothing when you could be doing something productive homework

try not to throw up don't let yourself throw up
but i want to so bad.
i just know i can't.

i want dee to fucking go to sleep so i can have a fucking smoke.

i nicced out pretty bad tday,
and realized i was niccing out yesterday
because i hadn't hada smoke since wednesday.
and i've been having about 3 a day
which is more than my usual at all.
i'ver never nicced out.

what am i doing to myself.

at least i am looking skinnier
though i'm still fucking eating fatty
i hate eating it makes me hurt makes me sick makes me disgusting.

my boobs shrank.
i've been obsessing over this daily
none of my bras fit even the small 32D ones
i'ms cared i'll go back to a 32B
i knew though somewhat detachedly that i would shrink
but now it's happening i'm not impressed
somehow i guess i just though i'd keep my boobs
but whatever.
thin thin thin.
i can go down to a B as long as im thin thin at least a size 1.
but size 0 would be perfection.
a nice empty number that signifies no space being taken up
the ultimate epitomization of thin.