My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

I can't believe I even posted during that
I feel kind of ashamed.

Something else you might not know about me :
I'm one of those people described in the movie "Anger Management"
There are two kinds of people,
the one bitching to the cashier about anything and everything
and the cashier,
who sits there and quietly takes it,
day after day,
until eventually it all piles up,
and one day they freak out and bring a shotgun into work.

of course,
i don't take my angers out on anyone,
i try to avoid people especially if i think i'm going to blow up
like last night
i hurt S by being a bitch and just signing out
but at least I didn't stay on to hurt him more.

it's the lesser of two evils,
i suppose.

i'm sorry you all had to read my self-piteous rant.
I'm quite disgusted with myself.
Of course I often don't appreciate the way i am
but it's only on black days that i'm so terribly suicidal and self-hating.

though last night turned more into a purple night.
like a deep maroon, or plum.
Blue for despair, pain,
Yellow for insanity,
and red for anger and hate.
Of myself,
but anger still.

I don't know.
I'm ridiculous.
I'm sorry.

but thank you for your lovely comments ladies.
J and Adeline,
you both made me cry xD
You're both amazingly lovely women.
and J I don't comment often on your blogs either,
but I do read every one as well.

I think today has shifted back into gray.
more like a slate-gray,
dark with .. what's the word ..
desolation maybe ?
i don't know.
but still gray and confusing.

leave it to me to go get a tongue piercing when i'm starting to get sick
i had that fever last night,
and today my entire throat is swollen,
and my tongue doesn't hurt the same way,
but it's swollen and sore and feels like my glands,
dormant pain.

i feel disgustingly sick right now
and whenever i talk i sound like a fucking idiot xD

even if i wanted to i doubt i could eat
my tongue has swollen the length of the bar,
and it's hard to even drink water.

i made myself a bowl of alphaghetti last night
left it on the coffee table after i'd had maybe 2 bites ?
i planned to eat it today
but dee was asleep and i scraped it into the toilet
if anyone asks,
i did eat it.

i'm 123 today.
so at least i'm still losing.

I got 47 bucks from babysitting,
so i'm hoping to go get those boots.
but if they don't fit i'll take it as a sign.
if they do,
that is one as well.

i need travel-sized mouthwash and halls.
right meow.

aughh kay day is lightening to a more misty gray
because now it's more sick and confused haha
one more day,
tomorrow is the third day,
and on the third day the swelling hits it's peak and goes down
so after tomorrow my tongue will not be a bother whatsoever.

i can't believe it's been so long
since i actually wanted to get my tongue done in the first place xD
i've wanted it for at least 3 years,
probably more like 4.

anyways I am sorry ladies.
i'm not normally that bad.

hopefully going with mummy to get her hair done will make me feel better.
i think i'll treat myself to ice cream if possible,
since i can't have anything else anyways xD