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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

IHateMe.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

FUCKING ANGER FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCKERFUCK.
RAGE RAGE  BITCH WHINE COMPLAIN

collapse on the floor and crawl to a corner to cry my face off
tear out my eyes
gouge out my tongue
rip my wrist to shreds
anything i can fucking do to hurt myself

what a fucking bitch
what the fuck have i become where did this come from

how can i fucking do this to S he shouldn't care about me
if i was at all a good person i'd cut him loose
not keep doing this to him

but no i'm a selfish fucking bitch

oh what's that ?
what am i ?

A FAT FUCKING ASSHOLE BITCH FACE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE THE BREATH IN HER LUNGS
she squanders it all away wasting her life
fucking around with the people she cares about
she's a glutton for punishment,
she's a masochist,
she loves to be hurt.
she does it all because she hates herself so much that all she can think to do is punish herself.
oh she pretends all is lovely and shiny and golden and pretty and wonderful
but it's a fucking facade
it's a fucking painting hiding the secret corridor
that will take you to a dark room dank with sweaty stone
there you'll see a bitter deranged woman
cackling as she shreds her skin wherever she can reach
bleeding and screaming and laughing and crying and laughing again

this is the me i like to hide.
people don't like this me.

it gets to the point where i don't know if this is the me on my darkest days
or if this is the me that always lurks inside
lying in wait behind the pretty portrait that hides her from sight.


Aughhh i want Sallyyy
i want to crawl intoa  corner and cry and cry i'm such a fuckup such a failure
why do i do this to everyone why do i do this to myself
why aren't i nice smart beautiful thin wonderful loved ?
because i'm not a human being.
i'm just some hideous creature hiding under this mask of flesh.


You can't undo what's been done.
And sorry doesn't always cut it.
even if it works for now,
there will come a day where it won't be enough.
and you'll regret the day you let your first squall into the air.

2 comments:

J said...

I'm sad you're in pain, honey. I don't comment on your blog much, but I read every post, and from what I can tell, you aren't a hideous creature or a bad person.
You're beautiful.
Just thought you should know that.
I hope you feel better soon. <3

Adeline said...

If nothing else darling, you'll always be loved, that's for sure. I often wonder too if the person I hide is the exception or the rule.

Know that I love you, I think you're beautiful (you're my thinspo) you have such spunk and have certainly been an improvement to my life.

Hugs and hugs,
Adeline xx