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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Warning :: LongPost.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I looked up Juice Fast on google images
and this was one of the pictures that popped up. 
i wasn't sure she was really thin enough to be thinspo for me 
and then i realized she's sitting down,
and she's got like ZERO stomach wrinkles. 

i think so. =]

So i've officially made the blue Tweety mug that my auntie E gave to my nana 
my bitch. 
it's the only interesting mug in the house, 
and i never ever see it used. 
so it's now my mug, 
and damned be anyone who touches it.

in other obsessive news. 
my sewing teacher took my foot pedal for another machine
while i was absent the other day 
she'd been trying to get me to change machines since i told her the feed wasn't working well 
and i'd been fighting it because i didn't want to fucking change the machine i liked it it was mine. 
but then i had no choice. 

at least the new machine is nice. 
but i'm not impressed. 

Soo, day one of liquid fast. 
I almost broke when i woke up after my nap today 
because i felt kinda hungry and i was like hmm 
not sure i like this. 
normally before if i feel my stomach actually manage to gnaw 
(i'm never hungry so it takes a bit and the slightest gnaw is a bother.)
because i was thinking i can't just satisfy myself with juice D=
and then i was like wait i'm on a liquid fast
that means soup

my nana and papa had gone out somewhere
(that was why they woke up me,
was to watch after our dog,
who has seperation anxiety. x.x )
so i made vegetable soup,
and used the sifting spoon to scoop out all the vegetables
til it was just the broth in it.
i threw out all the vegetables
and drank the broth.

my stomach feels pretty full.

and i made some hazelnut black tea.
and shush, i know i put 3 sugars in and some milk.
but whatever.
aha =P

i'm going to include chocolate milk in my fast too though.
it's not strict really,
and i've never done a fast.
so i'm going easy on myself.
if it's legit liquid,
even if it's thick,
then i will eat it.
or rather drink it.

haha if i can't easily drink it with a straw then i can't have it =P

as they left papa asked if i wanted anything
considered asking for vitamin water,
decided i didn't want to bother them and said nothing.
papa asked ice cream ?
i cringed mentally.
but i said no with ease.
thank gosh =P

i won't be counting my calorie intake during this liquid fast.
because i don't care about calories,
the purpose to me is to just not have anything solid or semi-solid.
i think that's a diet enough.
it'd take ALOT of soup and hot chocolate etc
to get me above my usual restriction number of (600.)
so i'm not concerned whatsoever.

i'm trying for a week.
and if i have soup for dinner every night
(different kind each night mind you)
then i think i can easily make it a week.
and damned be anyone who tries to deter me =P

I started the fast saying 128
which was what i weighed yesterday morning
and then i didn't eat,
went to the mall,
came back,
had beans n tofu dogs,
then nothing.

this morning i was 123. =]
if i stick to this fast even just for 3 days,
i'm pretty sure even with minimal exercise
i can get below 120.

i feel better now that i have claimed a mug.
i missed having my own mug.
i miss my daisy mug back home =[
i need a new one.
i still want a pretty china tea set.
i've been ogling the store in the mall with tea sets.
but i haven't gone in yet.

Whitney is giving me my smokes tomorrow morning
and she gave me one today,
i smoked half and saved half for tonight.

I've got unil june 18th i think
to finish my french and sociology.
so i have to get on that shit.
it shouldn't take me long,
i just need to be fucking motivated.

my heart turned when i saw something otherC posted.
it was something like "All I can say is are you fucking kidding me."
he had like 3 people commenting asking what was wrong,
he just said it's fine don't worry.

is it bad my heart turned ?
can i do anything about it ?
i wish.
but at the same time i don't want to.

i wasn't going to mention that in this blog,
but just now as i was sitting thinking of what to write,
our song came on.
so i wrote.

I took another look at some of my old story beginnings today
one was a mock-fairy tale about characters based on Rapunzel and Snow White
i might post a teaser.
because i wanted to write that one so bad.
in it the princesses go les for each other ;D

but really.
i loved my name choices,
and i loved the idea.
i just have to get back into writing it.

doctor was pointless.
i hate doctors,
and he didn't even really ask me if anything was wrong.
he just like looked at me and i was like i want to change my birth control.
didn't even bother going into my list of agues and lamentations =P
but whatever,
they're unimportant.
i'm just a drama queen.
he didn't ask me what medication i'd like to change to,
just picked one and wrote a prescription.
you know,
after he actually fucking UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE FUCK I WAS SAYING.
fucking christ.
i think he's german or something.

he didn't have to see my wrist.

S still hasn't noticed.
i actually find it quite ironic actually.
i was in a dark grey mood last night,
closer to black but not as deranged and terrifying.
and today i was a misty gray, like fog.
(hm i never know how to spell gray,
i tend to spell it both ways inconsistently.)
so today i felt all numb and just absent.
and he seemed to notice i wasnt okay
but i told him i was fine.

it seems strange to me he hasn't figured out i won't tell him when i'm not okay =P

but anyways,
we were siting on the grass,
i was laying on his stomach.
i think i mock-bit his wrist or something
and then he ended up talking about something like emo this blah blah
oh i remember this boy on facebook who looks very "emo",
he's been bothered because this boy got in a relationship,
then posted a status that said "suicide".
there are plenty of reasons for him to post that,
so i stuck up for him just a tad.
(i don't know this guy btw.)

and i said you know that real "emos" don't actually look emo at all.
and then he goes off on oh yea i know i've known some super happy people
but they'll never show you their wrists,
i've seen them,
we tried to help this one chick,
he's like i  kept watches on them to make sure they stopped.

and i just felt like slapping the idiot.

you know your girlfriend is a cutter.
you've never checked me.

he saw my scratches that night a couple weeks ago
but he hasn't worried at all since that i might have been still cutting.

i just feel like how gone can you get,
you dumbass.

he's never going to even look again =P
so whatever.
i find him idiotic for not worrying about his girlfriend
who is growing more suicidal by the day xD

just rants.

no worries,
i won't commit suicide.
i see no purpose to taking my life.
if i'm meant to die then i will when i am.
but i'm not speeding up the process.
no purpose.

although i must say that i am getting closer and closer to
more drastic measures of self-harm.

the day i manage to get a new razor blade probably won't be a great one for my body.

i'll leave you with some "fasting" thinspo.