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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Soo, BMI calculator tells me i'm just in the underweight category,
for the most part.
welcome news.
i got 18.3,
i'm 5'9" i think, and i fluctuate but i'm generally between 123 and 127 lately.
which is nice,
i'm not really doing any upkeep,
but mom is on a high fiber diet,
which influences what's in the house somewhat.
she was buying only high fiber things,
so i bitched enough that there's some designated food for both of us =P
i eat mostly high fiber stuff meow though.
whole wheat pasta, low fat milk, whole grain bread, lots of apples and bananas,
and i can't live without my grapefruits.

though i must say, those are a treat for me,
because i'll cut a bag of em into little chunks and marinate them in sugar.
yes that's right,
haha so i haven't stopped my odd cravings. =P

Winnie had her baby !
omg, i didn't even see her pregnant,
it's crazyyyy !
i haven't seen her in so long =[
but i am BEYOND ecstatic that she had a baby girl !
she's going to be goddamn gorgeous.
J L. =3
so cuuuuute.
I can't wait to see her and Winnie again.

and S !
i haven't seen S since Valentine's Day.
which was the best celebration i've ever had, i might add.
just me, him, candles, bubbles, Deathcab, comfortability,
and no complications.
like clothes.

I cut the other night.
the stress was too much,
i was fighting with S and afraid i was screwing it all up again,
i'm just afraid and stressed all the time.
i think it had been at least a month since my last,
maybe a bit more.
but i changed spots.
hip just wasn't doing it for me.
only thing is, now that i'm covering my forearm,
and since i'm cutting again,
i feel weird exposing my wrist,
because that always felt like just the place to do it.
alas, i can't anymore.
but whatever takes the stress away.

i'm still smoking,
j'ai fume toujours.
haha bad french ? yepyep.
as soon as i stop smoking, or don't have smokes,
i go nuts, and everything is so much harder to handle.
hence the cutting.
so i need to start buying packs again,
instead of just sharing at school.

going to nana and papa's tomorrow.

did an amazing pair of gel nails on a woman yesterday,
i was very proud of myself.
only one who didn't do her exam,
and i'd say i did among the best 3 in the class.
*proud face*

mom is being ridiculous.
everything comes back to my school.
i get out early, and i'm a nuisance since she has to pick me up.
i stay late, i'm awful because she had to wait.

and then this thing with my birthday.
she told me we could get me a new phone for my birthday,
a smartphone or something, since my computer's broken.
regardless of the fact that once again, she did not ask me what i wanted,
just assumed right away,
i wasn't unhappy.
ten i showed her some of the prices going around for decent phones today.
she flipped out.

phones aren't fucking cheap anymore if you want something good.
but no.
"i shouldn't even have to get you a birthday present since i'm paying for your school !"
well, you're taking half my allowance every month to pay as well.
so fuck off.
i'm sorry you're going through your second childhood,
and have turned into a selfish teenager.
i'm sorry that every weekend you have to come home to me from your beloved boyfriend.
i'm sorry i'm your fucking daughter.
but you aren't my mother anymore,
and i'd like to know where the hell you put her,
so that she can only come out on a rainy day.

i want out.
and i'm tired of wanting out and being stuck.
but i need to get out soon.

anyways i should scoot along.
i love and miss you allllllll eternally.

i'll talk as soon as i can next.