Tuesday, March 29, 2011
on the drive back in to Mish,
I started crying and I would have turned right around then and never come back.
and now i'm here, and mom is so upset,
and i'm scared to leave.
But I don't want to be here anymore.
S's parents apparently love me,
and his mom said she'd love for me to move in.
S is asking her today when would be okay if i took her up on that offer.
and his friend who's a piercer could give me an opportunity to be his assistant part time.
and i could get a job in Nani,
finish my school at pass,
though I guess i'm mostly done my english,
got one chapter in FN, and ....
al of my math.
i hate it. xD
mom had something really awful happen to her,
by her brother and mom,
so she's all bent up and upset.
as well as shit going on with her boss at work.
so she's just messed up,
and taking it out on me a bit.
on the ride in,
we got into a "non argument" as I would call it.
Basically where she bitches and bitches and picks and then pulls guilt-trips
and I clamp my mouth shut because I love her too much to fight with her.
she used to be like that,
but all the stress lately has made her pick fights with me all the time over nothing.
I'm tired of it,
but the main reason i'm leaving (iknowiamiknowiamiknowiamnodoubtsplease)
isn't her regressing into her childhood (because she had kids so young)
and picking on me about stupid things and lording my schooling over my head
or even because she needs some time to herself (though this is a big one,)
she spends all her time at work or at her boyfriend's.
she needs time to spoil herself, enjoy her life,
and plus her schooling is coming up,
so paying for me and her and my schooling with no paycheck for 6 weeks ?
mind you, i won't say i'm selfless.
far from, i know i'm a selfish bitch.
but i'm 18 in 3 weeks,
and i can't stand Mish.
the closer we get from the ferry, the harder I cry.
I start cutting, I fall into deep depression,
i take so many vitamins to force my body to make my mind happy that i throw up.
which doesn't really help with the happy-making,
hence cutting out the vitamins.
though that's mainly cuz there's nothing for breakfast in the house until wednesday.
i know i do feel alittle bit better with the vitamins.
but fuck, i'm all alone.
mom never wants to be home because she has no one but her bf and work,
and i really don't blame her for leaving on the weekends and pulling overtime daily.
i would do the same.
i'm at school 12 hours a day, and then i'm a potato on the couch for 72 straight hours.
it disgusts me, and it depresses me.
i have no one in Mish.
it wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't gone to Pville,
and remembered what it's like to be loved and cared about 24/7 by everyone.
nana and papa, Buddy, Winnie, baby JL, S, CF, Micha, Biinie, Domo.
and so many more.
but fuck, i just miss having people around always.
i hate being alone, it's literally killing me.
Nani has a hairdressing program that's really cool,
Beni was apparently gonna go there before here.
and like i say, that piercing assistant thing.
and living with my baby.
and seeing Winnie and my lil baby "niece".
It's too good an offer to really pass up.
Just don't know if i'm strong enough to break out of the sluggish grasp of Mish.
it's so easy to sink into nothingness,
when something takes so much more work than coasting along hell.