My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ahh dear. What to talk about.

I couldn't post yesterday,
my apologies.

i was too upset and confused and i didn't think i could handle blogger
i avoided reading any blogs as well.

i went swimming with my friend W,
i'll call her Winnie.
and her bf, couple of her bf's friends.

i saw a whole bunch of girls at the pool in bikinis
but none of them had the ideal body
and at first i was comparing,
"okay, i have a better waist than her,
i weigh at least 10 pounds less than her,
wow and i thought my hips were bad", etc.

but then after a time i started thinking to myself...
is it so wrong ?
to not be perfect ?
so many guys (and girls) are dating girls that do NOT have skinny beautiful bodies
they're dating the girls i think need to lose some.
and they love their bodies.
i just dont understand it.

so i just avoided weight things for awhile.

but i did soo well yesterday.
i cut a pear up into 16 pieces,
put it in a baggie and took it in my purse with me
and i just ate a slice, really slowly,
whenever i felt like eating all day.

it worked soooo well.
plus all the walking i did,
and swimming at the pool.

and i was out and didn't get home until fucking 11
i BROKE my not after 7pm rule
i BROKE the little shimmy room i was giving myself,
i was allowing myself some veggies or fruit.

but suddenly i was craving kraft dinner
and a sandwich,
and it was all i could fucking think about for an hour.
we were supposed to get picked up at 10,
and even before 10 i was thinking in my head what can i eat when i'm home
what's safe, is it safe to indulge alittle ?
can i risk ignoring my cravings ?

i seriously spent an hour just thinking about food.

so as soon as i got home i made both, and ate both.
i ate half a box of KD,
and a sandwich with
fake ham, mixed greens, mayo, oregano dressing, dijon, mozzarella, and pickles.

i had like three bites of kraft dinner, and ate 1/4 of the sandwich
and craving was gone.
hunger was gone.

but my nana was awake.
i couldn't just throw it out.
and i hate wasting food.
so i ate it all.

anyways, so this morning i got up late and showered.
and i decided to weigh myself,
iduhno as punishment.

and i was only 124.

so yes, i think that was my reprieve,
my second chance.

so i'm trying again today.
no, not trying.
i AM today, doing well.
not eating outrageous fucking food.

this morning i had some kashi cereal,
260 calories.

then i got home at 4 and made an elaborate salad
and ate it,
and i think it took me a good half hour to eat.
15 minutes to make it.

i'm drinking sunny D to keep away my cravings.
and im' exhausteddd,
so i might just go over and sleep now.
it's only 2 hours until i can't eat at all
so i should just go nap.
sooo tiird, sooo sickk.

So, i'm terrible at reading people.
Like people always say "oh i could feel it in your kiss"
or it was the way he touched you, etc.
and i don't understand unless things are just blatantly pointed out.

well, until now.
because honestly when i look in S's eyes i can see the sincere emotion.
i can see how much he cares for me.
haha it sounds so gushy.
but it's so intense, the look in his eyes when he looks at me,
i almost cry.
from happiness ?
i don't think it's a negative reason,
because it makes me happy.

he has such amazing eyes.

he left me flowers in my locker.
all different coloured flowers, a pretty bouquet.
i'd been sick all day, felt like shit,
i was just going to get my jacket and go home
and then i open my locker and see this bouquet
and i just instantly smiled. =]

i got to stay for the next block with him though
and i got to play (more like kinda fail at) street hockey
with him and Chessy and Boots.
(I don't think Boots likes me. =/)
hahaha we got to wrestle it was kinda fun.
i got him in a headlock xD
but i knew i couldn't hold it so i let off
and he flipped me under him and pretended to punch me
haha courtside brawl.
soo much fun.

Anyways, today i'm good.
today is a good day.
I'm so tired and so sick though.
but it's good.
i'm hoping tomorrow,
after today's good eating and crazy exercise
i'll have lost at least a pound.

but god,
how much i crave to see the scale show me anything under 120.
i don't know what i'll do when it happens,
i'll be so beyond ecstatic.

but god think of when i get to 115,
and then to 110.

fucking party yo.