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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Something i've learned in life is that there is no good excuse.
You can give as many as you want,
but all they are is excuses.

rarely, i will still attempt an excuse
if it means the difference between failing a test because i've been sick
(aka fucked in the head and having my body molested by incessant illness)
and having another day to study and pass.
yea, that was me today.

but 9 times out of 10,
i don't bother with excuses, because as i've said,
they're nothing but excuses.

this is the thought process that runs through my head
as i try to think of how to explain that
peanut buster parfait.

on my bingeing day,
on saturday night with M when we were waiting for prom to end
we went to DQ because i wanted one,
and it would've been okay then.
except even in the fucking bigger city life shuts down at night.
it terrifies me, i'm used to more things being open.
i mean, that's the "bigger" city.
Pville is just a ghost town at night,
abso fucking lutely NOTHING open.
after like 10, even the late night things close.
except Tim Hortons.
and they close friday and saturday from 130 to 330.

i'm rambling.

S and I went downtown today during lunch and my spare
(which turned into skipping sewing as well to be horny teenagers. 
to get his tongue barbell downsized
and because he is no longer allowed to be on the school grounds
during his spares =P
hahahhaa. stupid teachers.

the piercer wasn't in for half an hour,
and i got the bright idea to tell S to go to DQ with me.
i wanted a fucking peanut buster parfait.
It was a stale craving, 
a stagnant flirtation of my tastebuds and memory. 
and yea.
so another slap in the face to myself and my fatness
is that when i looked at it,
i didn't want it.
when i took a bite,
i didn't want it.
at all.
not even a bit.
i took two bites,
and considered just throwing it out.
but of course,
 i can't waste 5 dollars.

fucking non-wasting up-bringing.

i ended up throwing some at S,
but i mechanically noshed on that shit,
because i remember i was at the top,
and before i knew it i was down in the dregs.
at least i left the last 5th.
that's somewhat of a
(pathetic excuse for an)

I didn't eat breakfast.
well, i had a banana.
i didn't want that either,
but i ate it.

i haven't eaten anything since,
save for some arizona fruit punch,
and a quarter of toast with butter.
i'll probably eat the toast.
but i don't think i want to eat tomorrow.

i'm scared for Nanna.
no, not my grandmother,
my Nanna, as in banana.
which is what i call my best friend here.
(she calls me Kiwi.)

she's been missing since saturday.

i almost couldn't sit through bio,
i was trying so hard not to cry the whole time.
at least i was half an hour late.
when i finally got out of the class i walked right by S,
he'd been waiting for me,
so he leapt on me and basically pushed me into some chick.
yea, i was so spaced and upset.

I can't be upset around him.
it's physically impossible.
it sucks, because i guess i'd like the comfort.
but i'm glad i won't break down around him.

he proved himself.
i should never have called him innocent,
even in jest.
hahahahhaa ohhh dear.
he's fucking cute though.
but wow,
i mean i didn't think he was literally innocent,
i meant more that he was so cutesy and sweet to me all the time.
oh gosh,
he has another side.

i actually like it.

surprising ?


hahaaa well.
he already has no inclination to discretion in public
i have to stop him when he tries to kiss me in public for too long =P
because i'm more completely totally ALL about discretion ahah.
i mean, i'd actually not kissed a boy in daylight in public
until S.
Modest Me.

he enjoys my extremely sensitive skin.