My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Yea, i'm a fatty today.
i'm not eating cookies during the week anymore anyways.
weekends if i'm lucky.

tomorrow i will start following what i will call the
"Skinny Bitch Diet"
i've heard it called the skinny girl diet,
but i think my name sounds better =P
maybe i'll post a side thingie
to keep up to date on what i'm doing with it

mm sunny D.

lawl at hungover/still drunk convos
with my amazingly cute bf S.
who is taking things really slow because he doesn't want to hurt me,
like seriously. we haven't even kissed with tongue yet.
granted, he has to get his tongue barbell downsized,
otherwise i'm sure we would have sooner. =P

haha but when i'm drunk,
i go from my usual shyness to OHAY I LIKE YOU all over you =P
hehe we were talking, and i kept remembering
little random things, cuz that's how i go aafter drinking.
he's like yea that's because i am !

(he was being this morning, he kept fucking biting me xD
and being drunk, i bit him back as a joke and he jsut kept bitinggg 
ahahaha. he deffffs knows how that makes me feel now. =P )

and i was like noooo you're so innocent and cuute !

(he is megaaaa "gentlemanly" we'll say. 
normally bfs make like jokes about their gfs boobs, ass, 
etc. and he never does haha not the littlest bit. 
so this morning i mentioned it drunk, and i was laying in his lap, 
and he's like what am i supposed to just be all RAWR 
and he like grabbed my boobs haha. was funny.
fuck, i'm a whooore when i'm drunk. 
i can understand drunken whores now, 
cuz i get sooo easily turned on when intoxicated. ;D )

and he was like no i'm not !
i need to fucking step shit up then !
ahahaa. is it bad i'm kind of excited ?


after that long pause when i apologized for S seeing my wrist,
we kinda had this conversation.

(5:00 PM) M: oo.
i'm sorry.

(5:00 PM) M: youu saw my wrist. =/

(5:05 PM) S: uhm yeah..

(5:07 PM) M: i'm sorry.
youu didn't need to see that haha.

(5:07 PM) S: i would ahve seen it sooner or later

(5:09 PM) M: yea well you still didn't really need to see that
haha no one really does =P

(5:10 PM) S: Well iw ould have sooner or layter
you neeed to start tlakign to me..

(5:12 PM) M: well i don't know how it was when you saw
but like i just couldn't talk to you
i was totally upset because mikki was liek fucking crying

(i was stressed about Mikki crying while M was on the phone with her, because apparently it was partly my fault,
so i ended up scratching the shit out of my wrist to try to open it up again.
and there was like blood smeared all round my wrist. =

(5:12 PM) M: so i ended up scratching the shit out of my wrist, i was just stressed, and worried for mikki.

(5:12 PM) S: Baby...

(5:13 PM) S: I heart you alot  i dont realy wanna see tat ebcauseit worries me

(5:15 PM) M: haha thats no reason to be worried

(5:15 PM) S: So when i see a cut up wrist i shoudl think its normal?

(5:18 PM) M: well it's not anything to be worried about

(5:19 PM) S: ... im worried, if you cut your self over mikki crying

(5:19 PM) S: And something happens to you? im gonna be a ffriad oyu go deeper..

(5:20 PM) M: i didn't cut over her crying
i was with m, how the fuck was i gonna cut myself xD

(5:21 PM) S: youcscratched XD
my bad.

(5:21 PM) M: naw i don't cut deep
i don't do anything to be worried about, that's why i say don't worry haha

(5:21 PM) M: ohkay fine you're kind of right on that one.
but i still maintain it's not soemthing to worry about

(5:21 PM) S: Its gonna be hard
i care a fuckload about you..

He went for a shower after that, and that kinda ended that conversation.
but i'm such a hypocrite.
if i see/hear of other friends cutting or hurting themselves
(C after this huge thing with he who must not be named and it was like one cut apparently.)
i freak out because i don't want them hurt whatsoever.
but with me, it's like meh whatever. i havent ever needed stitches,
so why the fuck should anyone worry ?
it doesn't even feel important enough to mention, in my opinion.

iduhno. maybe i'll post a picture of my scars,
people can judge for themselves.

fuckkk. i'm trying to recover.
I hate this because i feel pathetic because it's not even like major cutting,
it's just bullshit, it feels like a pathetic attempt for attention.
deep down, yea i want attention, i want that one person who i can pull into my life
and who'll kick out the need for my little chats with Sally.
but i don't just do this for attention.
i have no other form of ridding myself of the stress.

(and the blood is soo pretty. the feeling is amazing, 
sharp pain, release, in control control control me me in control
perfect little lines that aren't as perfect as i'd like 
but pretty little rivulets of gorgeous red, 
beautiful red tears.)

ew. i sound pathetic. 
but yea, there's a little look into my mentality of cutting.
i haven't really shared that with anyone, not that bald.
all i'll really tell anyone is that it releases stress, upset, worry, pain.

it seems all i cna ever post are super long long postssss.
i have to get on my homework tomorrow.
i'll weigh myself tomorrow morning when i shower.
we'll seeee. hopefully i'm not above 125. =/
i'd LOVE if i had fucking lost some.
but whatever.


love love love love love.