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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

MyStory. ?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

So, i got this idea from Bree, to tell you all
about where and how I started my little love affair with Ana.
Well, all 1 of you who are possibly probably not reading. =P
and since apparently my Word program is locked,
i'll just type it all in here.

Hmm, jeeepers.
I can look back and see myself talking with friends in grade 4,
"I'm (whatever tiny amount i was) pounds, the doctor said i was 19% underweight."
i threw that around like it was magic, like it was something to be proud of
i was the skinniest of my friends,
even the gorgeous and popular one, my best friend Chelsea.
though it was only by about 4 pounds.
we were always comparing weights, and i loved being the smallest.
It seemed so innocent then, though i can see it's connections now.

flash forward to grade 6, at Jenna's house.
she's sooo thin, and i'm still thinner.
i realize now i was a bitch about my skinnyness.
"Well you're thinner from the side, but i'm small all around."
I was a 00.
I probably gave other people eating disorders, unintentionally.
That was probably the reason i'm big now.
Punishment from a higher power.
i've learned.

Grade 7,
W has a habit of lifting up my shirt to random friends
to show off my "perfect stomach."
So it was.
I was a 0.

Grade 8,
Visiting W in Pville,
sitting on a railing at the old SOS on a friday night,
flirting with all the cute older guys.
She's making a show out of trying to pinch my skin-tight jeans.
she fails.
I was a 1.

Still tiny.

Walking through school,
thinking about my next class.
"Fucking anorexic."
I look over and see the asshole who decided to try and insult me.
I smile at him.
Still a size 1.

Skip to Grade 10.
I cut and sew my favourite light jeans into skinnies
I was a size 2.
And gaining.

Somewhere between the beginning of Grade 10 and now,
i gained up to a size 7/8,
where I am now.
It doesn't exactly make sense,
because my weight hasn't changed drastically.
In grade 8, i was a size 1, and i was 115 pounds.
somehow in 3 years, i went up 7 sizes and only gained 15 pounds.
how does that even work ?

There were certain incidents where I started to realize I had a food problem.

Grade 6,
I had hardly eaten all day,
(but then again i hardly ate anything for most of my life.
i never ate much, just didn't need alot. )
I crept to the kitchen, though mom and Dave were out shopping.
I opened the cupboard and grabbed a piece of bread,
ripped it into small pieces and ate it slowly.
suddenly i heard the car pull in, and panicked.
i shoved 3/4 of a piece of bread into my mouth.
mom came in and looked horrified.
mainly because i was trying to hide that i had tried to sneak food.
she told me if i was hungry i can just eat.
I cried. I felt so embarassed.

That was the year my grades started slipping a touch.
i was always a straight A student,
and i'd gotten a C+ on my report card,
i don't even remember in what.
mom got so mad at me, it was such a crazy pitfall.
i cried then too.
but it got worse.

Grade 7, i was quite sick, i stayed in bed all day and didn't eat anything.
I didn't eat anything the next day either,
and got up from bed to get a book.
the room started spinning out of control,
everything went white,
i felt numb, and almost fell right over.
i staggered down the hallway clutching the wall and slipping on my own feet now and then.
i made some noodles, and i felt better.

Grade 8.
W started losing weight, eating next to nothing.
i found out later she was on drugs, mostly coke.
but i was starting to worry, and feel jealous.

Grade 9,
I would stand in front of my full length mirror, and evaluate myself.
I wasn't that bad. I was still skinny.
but i started feeling imperfections.
I started watching what I ate, but i didn't keep up with it.

Grade 10.
Everyone seemed skinnier than me.
I was constantly comparing girls, making myself feel terrible when i saw much thinner girls.
making myself feel better when i saw much larger.
I started dieting for longer periods,
then having off periods where I felt fine.
but the image in the mirror was looking more and more grotesque.

Grade 11, now.
I feel too fat sitting.
Standing up.
Laying down.
My off periods became less and less,
until finally they disappeared,
and Ana swept me up in her arms after years of flirtation.
She covered me with hopeful kisses of encouragement,
whispering "you can do it." sweetly in my ear.
I'd always known Ana,
but it wasn't until a few months ago I realized I loved her.
And now all that's left is the desire to be what I once was,
and took for granted.

I never really was influenced by anything,
It just grew and grew to where I am now.

I love Ana. I love thin.

J'ai été une fois une conasse maigre.

Et elle, je redeviens.