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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Monday, May 31, 2010

I ate about a cup of brown beans with tofu dogs chopped in it
that was for dinner at 730.

i didn't eat before,
i haven't eaten since.

i just feel gross,
i shouldn't have eaten it.
i didn't want anything.

not hungry.



C got her hair done.
she looks more fucking gorgeous than ever
and it hurts me so much that she's not in my life.

kind of had an argument with S today
i've been grouchy,
and he was grouchy today
but he just seemed vaguely upset to me

i don't know i'm not making sense.

point is
i'm mad at him right now.
and he feels bad because he feels like he was an ass today.
he wasn't extremely.

but i duhno i get to see him like once a week or two outside of school
and i just want him all to myself for as long as possible when i do get him
so yes i get vaguely offended when he tries to get out of spending more time with me.

something as simple as "want to come over for a bit ?"
(since we saw the early movie, and it kinda sucked.)
and him saying no,
just hurt me.


doctor's appointment tomorrow finally.
not going to school even though the appt is at 10
i'm mad at S so i don't really want to see him too often.
and then he's going to do things for Mikki wednesday at lunch and last block
thursday i would get to see him lunch and last block
(if i fucking wanted to.)
friday he wanted to spend the night
(though he made it seem more like it was a favour to me.)
and when he told me about mikki i said i was probably busy friday.

so fuck it.
i just don't think i'm going to make at all of an effort to see him this week.
in fact i think i'll try and avoid him.

my heart's doing this wierd beating thing.
where it beats irregularly
like PUMPPUMP silent beat PUMP beat beat
i think it's heart palpitations ?
but i dont know what it's called.

i'll get my blood tested tomorrow or something.

for today i'm just tired.