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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Et les larmes venir. Où est mon rocher, maintenant? Je suis une souris peu peur, en se cachant et en attendant un jour meilleur.

My papa scares me so much. 
he's always been the nicest, most caring giving person i know. 
but i've been seeing a side of him lately 
i've only heard tell about. 

mom used to tell me all the terrible stories of her childhood.
the drunken rages, 
the beatings, 
all of that. 

but he's my fucking grandfather. 
how could i have seen any of that ?

why is he so angry today ?

i'm so scared. 

i came to hide in my trailer and sobbed like a little girl. 
i didn't know i had so many tears in me.

i'm terrified. 
I wish i had somewhere to go from here. 

I want my baby. 
i wish he could come save me but he can't.

i can't even hope for a random saviour in M
since Mikki got so upset last time we hung out
we haven't talked since the day after prom.

i hate being stuck in nowhere.
there's nowhere to run that ha can't get me.

i want my mommy. 
je suis une souris peu peur. 
tres, tres peur. 

but at least i will be une souris maigre, aussi. 
fuck this fat shit. 
i've gained up to something over 125, 
i didn't check but i knew it was over
this morning i was 125 after fasting
and then i had chili for lunch, 
nothing for dinner. 
i'm about 123 now. 

tomorrow i should be back to 120, 
and on from there. 

i'm getting no more fuck ups. 
food is no comfort to me anymore. 

mice need eat nothing more than petite bread crumbs
et aussi petite pieces de fromages. 

i won't eat much more either. 

excuse my french, 
i'm still dreadfully terrible in grammar. 
but i love it so much i try. 
c'est tres belle. 

i'm going to head off to my comfy bed. 
i'll play pretend under the covers with my book and my kitten
i'll imagine there is no scary monster with the two faces
and tomorrow i can escape for another day to be with S. 

i think i'm going to find more excuses to stay away from here now on. 

somehow i don't believe S will be pleased with the past 3 days' worth of cuts
he'll find out tomorrow, 
because i know he won't be able to resist undressing me once we're alone. 

so long as he holds me. 
he can get as mad or upset as he wants, 
so long as he holds me until the fears are gone for awhile.

I like the slight anonymity i get 
with posting satuses in french.