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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm tired of feeling tired all the time.
drained, numb, distant, pained,

i hardly feel emotions, i feel like they're all at arm's length.
i don't know if it's my choice or not.

it doesn't matter how much i sleep, or when i do.
i feel just as exhausted everyyy dayyy.
i'm not productive in anything because it's a challenge just existing.

i'm so close to crying over the dumbest things.
if S was here right now i would curl up in his arms
and i'm quite sure i would just weep.
and he'd stroke my hair like he does,
and i would just clutch him to me,
any part of him i could reach,
his shirt, his hand, his shoulder,
anything is good enough.
i'm so attached to him already, i need him.

it's so hard for me to not say "i love you" to people i care about.
when i'm dating someone,
i have to consciously try NOT to say it at all
because i don't want to say it til i mean it.
but it's habit for me, second nature,
to just say it all the time.
i love you.

i'm lucky he happens to say "i heart you" alot.

i just want to curl up and cryyyy
and cry and cry and cry
i miss B.
i miss being able to selfishly run into his arms
and cry and complain about whatever was ailing me.
he was the only one,
the only one i ever let that far in
and he was my everything,
i think part of my intense spiral downward after i moved
was losing that.
suddenly i had no one to tell all my secrets and worries to.
because now i can't let anyone else in.

he knew absolutely everything about me.
he's never seen my wrist, but he knows.
he knows i've had an ED for years and years.
he supported me in being healthy,
he would never have let me go too far.
but i was so fucking weak then.
i didn't want it bad enough.

i wish i could let someone else in.
the only ones i have to tell everything to,
are Ana, Sally, and my journal.
it surprises me that i don't have a name for my journal yet.
when i was little, i used to try out a different name with every new notebook.
none of them felt right.

i have it.
I'll write to the older brother/sister i could've had.
i was to be named Jori,
but i turned out a girl, and mom gave me a different name.

i'm so tired.
i want S to hold me.
i'm so weak.
at least i've stayed true to my eating today.
Skinny Bitch day 1.
except now i still have to exercise.
whatever, before i go to bed i'll do that bum workout
that another girl came up with.
still can't remember your name dear,
but that doesn't much matter because you aren't reading anyways.

stay strong.

love love love love love.