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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Saturday, May 1, 2010

I find myself on the brink of tears again.
Oldie made me go on msn last night to talk to him
i was so mad i didn't even want to answer his texts
i mean come on, i loved him as a brother,
he was most important to me (second to my mother, which says alot haha)
and he just ignored me for so long.
I know he's been working overtime at work,
and he's got his girlfriend,
but it takes 30 fucking seconds to send a text message.

i took him off my facebook just before he messaged me.

he made me go on cam & call,
so we just sat and played video games
while he tried to get me to talk to him about my life like i used to
and i just avoided the questions, no matter the amount of times he posed them.
he asked why i never called him anymore when i was upset
i said because i don't call you.
he asked what was wrong, told me to talk to him.
i just shook my head, wouldn't say anything.
you've removed yourself from my life,
and i'm not gonna let you just come right back in at your whim.

i don't have anyone to talk to anymore.
no one to pour out all my hurt and worries to.
you'd be surprised at how much this hurts,
and screws me up.

C texted me today, wanted me to come to N's birthday.
she said plans had changed, she wanted to talk to me about them.
they turned out exactly as i had told her they would.
"N wants to be high all day, but i want to see you so i'm not going to."
i responded with oh you dont have to, as im supposed to.
she said what, did i think she was stupid ?
she knows it hurt me really bad, and she was sorry.
she said i meant more to her than that.
i teared up, i'll admit it.

but it turned out that N didn't really want me to come, as i figured.
she said that if it would bother me at all that she'd be high all day,
she didn't want me there at all.
so i said alright, i'm not feeling well, i'm not coming.
C tried to persuade me to visit when i was better,
to come for the cake at least, etc.
i told her i wouldn't feel better later, cake grosses me out, etc.
i told her to have fun.
she said that would only entail me being there.
i repeated that she should have fun.
she said she wanted to see me before i left.
i lied, and told her i probably would.

i hurt too much to see her.

i didn't eat breakfast this morning.
it's frustrating how eating breakfast, whatever you may eat,
jumpstarts your metabolism for the day.
so in theory, if you want to lose weight,
you should at least nibble at something.
yet if i eat anything, i have to eat everything.
if i put off eating, i really don't feel like eating anything
for most of the day.

i had a popsicle, for my swelling,
but i don't really count that. (my juice rule.)
had it been a fudgecicle, i would have counted that, b.c that is frozen chocolate
while this is just flavoured ice, in my opinion.
it doesn't make me feel like i ate anything either, so that's good.
i'm going to see how long i can last after "dinner time" before i feel i need to eat.
if i really feel like i need to eat, i'll have some vegetable soup.

would you believe they have one can of soup here ?
it's ridiculous, how am i supposed to avoid chewing.
it's too frustrating to chew so much, it hurts.

my lips are so massively swollen.
i have cupid's bow lips, meaning my upper lip is thin, and curves upward.
but it's so swollen, my mouth feels strange, my upper lip is so full now.
i want my regular small mouth back.
hopefully the swelling does not last two weeks,
as google told me was a possibility.
but at least i found out the incredible swelling is normal for this piercing.

i apologize if i ever repeat facts, statements, thoughts, etc.
sometimes it's literary, but that's mainly with repetition of thoughts.
but if i comment on finding out a piercing's swelling one day,
then comment the same thing the next day, it's not on purpose.
it's just my terrible memory,
and i simply can't recall what i had said the day before.

so there's your heads up.
i swear sometimes i have alzheimer's.

I'm sorry this was such a downer blog.
but i had to write,
and i just hurt so much.
i'm tired of feeling alone, and losing people.
and feeling like a failure.