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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Well, I can't say i didn't expect it.
but i had forgotten it for the moment.

of course, C texted me the moment it went up on facebook that i'm dating S.
he freaked, was all offended.

yes, i know i broke up with you saying i was a lesbian
yes, i considered staying with you when you offered to give up intimacy.
(briefly. and i never told you, because i wouldn't do that to you.)
no, i didn't tell you that one of the dark little niggling reasons for me breaking up with you
was that i fell out of love.
and i was afraid of you after IT.
not just normal nervous, i was AFRAID.

i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

I sat on the floor of the shower in a daze, half-asleep,
thinking nothing thoughts,
until the water was almost cold.

i feel better now, which is good.

but i still feel numb.

i'm afraid i'm going to see Sally again when I go to bed.
I'm afraid of the consequences.

I haven't eaten.
I don't really intend to anymore.
I'm too upset to eat,
which is something i'm definitely encouraging,
because before i would comfort-eat.
i would much rather comfort-starve.
it's much more like being with Sally,
it helps take away the numbness.
it helps me feel.

100 - 150 calories for breakfast.
I couldn't really tell if i'd had 3/4 of a cup or a full cup of cereal.
it's 110 for 3/4, and i guess if i was over it'd be closer to 150.
so i guess i'm at about 150 today.

and i did a couple hours of walking, and a 5 minute jog up and downhill.

hello scale.
please whisper beautiful secrets to me tomorrow.
please love me,
now and forever.

hello Ana.
please hold me tight,
i hurt so much.
help me to feel beautiful, loved.
i love you Ana.
please love me.