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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Monday, May 24, 2010

Had a mini spazz-attack yesterday.
well i think i must be pms-ing or sth
because i got intense ridiculous mood swings yesterday.

i was like totally hystericaly happy
then without warning one little thing
would piss me off and i wanted to punch someone
then i'd start crying because i didn't like the mood swings.
and for whatever other reason upset me.

and when im mood-swingy,
i don't know when to stop my sarcastic humour
and i just get mean, i know.

i was already feeling like an asshole,
and trying to ride out one of my angry moments
without snapping on S
and then he all of  a sudden signed out
after i'd said something that sounded mean

i flipped
i got so upset
if my sister wasn't staying over i KNOW i would've cut
i remember wanting to tear the shit out of my wrist.
it was all i could think about til i fell asleep
and then all i could think about when i woke up
was how much of an asshole i am,
and i worried S was mad at me
i totally hated myself.

then i charged my phone and turned it on,
since it had died just a bit after i'd fallen asleep
and there were like 4 messages from S.
2 last night,
1 saying his internet didn't work,
and that he "heart"ed me more than he could ever explain
one that said sweet dreams, he misses me.

then two in the morning,
one saying morning baby,
and the other saying i heartchu

i definitely felt relieved.
but god, i was so upset.

it's probably a good thing dee was over.
but being the self-hating personage that i am
i would much rather have seen some blood flow.

yesterday i considered buying an x-acto knife when i'm in town next.
at least it'd have a new sharper blade.

i've been having nightmares
for the past couple of nights.
i don't really remember them
i pretty much forget them as soon as i wake
i just remember that i wake up breathing hard and ready to cry.
i don't understand why i'm having nightmares.
i haven't been eating before bed.

at Icing i saw the fucking cutest thing ever
i prolly already mentioned it.
but it's like this shiny white-and-gray leopard print flask
it could be like my thing xD
and it's just the right size
so i could buy a thing of grey goose
fill my flask before every party
and have my grey goose last a long time
but there'd be enough for every party that i'd still get drunk ;D

so yea.
next time i'm at the mall i'm buying that.

and i'm rying on jeans next time at the mall.
scary ?
but i don't think so =P
i'm still losing,
so it's all good.