Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I don't really know what to say.
I'm still scarily detached, except today i got the added bonus
of crying about everything.
and everything upsetting me.
i had to go for a nap after school today as soon as i got home
because i was worried i'd break down in front of nana.
but then when i got over and curled up on my bed,
all i could do was think think think think
and the scary thing was i was so severely depressed
i was composing my suicide note in my head.
and i could see myself cutting, deep, blood, and feeling light
lighter than before.
i imagined even calling S, as a fantasy
and telling him i wouldnt see him tomorrow,
not to miss me because i wasn't that great anyways.
i imagined he'd call the cops,
and i'd leave my trailer door open,
and they'd come find me.
I didn't imagine whether i was dead or alive.
Augh, i hate this morbid shit
but i'm so depressed it's not even funny
i've never come this close to suicide,
if i hadn't fallen asleep i would've cut more
I haven't eaten since yogurt this morning,
i'm not sure i want to eat,
and i'm not sure what i would want to eat.
if i eat anything, i want it to be really low cal.
maybe i'll have a pear, then i can count it as 0.
oh, me and my silly safe foods.
Sunday night after my jog i weighed 127
monday i ate along my plan,
except i binged on a chocolate granola bar,
but i was probably still under 600 anyways.
and i went jogging aagainn
so that's 3 days in a row.
i really like it, i actually went without my ipod and still loved it
i need sport headphones =/
anyways, this morning i was 125
and then i'll probably have a low calorie intake
and all of the walking me and dee and S did
my legs are starting to feel toned,
and my ribs and hips are coming out a bit more,
and my stomach is getting tighter
butttt i'm still nowhere near where i need to be
ugh god. dee took so many pictures,
most from terrible angles, it's so wierd,
if you take my picture from certain angles, it looks like a different person
and it's like, i know exactly what i woudl look like at 200 pounds.
gah gah gah.
pear it is i think.
haha i hate this random teary mood.
and no it's not that time of the month =P
if you're reading this kemper, thank you for following me =]
and sorry about this long and pointless depressed-post.