Fragments.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I remember things in fragments.

a thought from some unknown time
a silent video,
an image,
a conversation.

rarely are any of the two pieced together.
but i suppose it happens on occasion.


I remember throwing out the peanut butter sandwiches.
I hated peanut butter sandwiches i had them every day.

i remember getting terrible terrible cravings for peanut butter sandwiches.
i loved peanut butter sandwiches.

i remember mom buying me a jar of peanut butter when i had some teeth taken out
i remember eating it with a spoon.

i still eat peanut butter with a spoon.

i remember throwing out apples,
i liked apples but i threw them out.
i always threw out bananas,
i refused to eat them if they had the slightest bruise.

i remember going to the doctor in grade 4,
him telling my mother i was 19% underweight.
I still remember that distinct number,
i wore it like a badge,
flaunted it when possible.

i was so tall and thin for my age,
so pretty,
i would be a model.

i remember it was a game to have the lowest weight
me and my best friend Chelsea would always compare
working to be the best
"I'm such and such pounds"
"yea well my doctor says i'm this much underweight"
"yea well i only eat this much"
"yea well i've never weighed that much !"


i remember the dismay when i was starting middle school,
we went to mariposa to find me new clothes,
i remember being upset i couldn't find anything in a 00.

i remember the glee when i had to buy a child's size 14 underwear in grade 8.

i remember my mother offering me pants she'd found at this or that
i would fold them in half and realize in my head that her pants folded in half were more my size.
i thought this to myself alot.

i look back on the occasional picture of myself and think wow,
i was so fucking thin.

i felt it's power,
i was in control i was on top i was the best i was ME.

i think everything only started to slip when my weight did.
as i started gaining more,
life started becoming more difficult.
not really difficult,
but more of a chore.

i ahte admitting that i'm fucking lazy.
but that's what it boils down to.

as i gained more weight,
my grades dropped,
i became more and more shy,
more and more afraid.

my control was slipping,
and i was weakly reaching out,
only to brush my fingers along the bones of my thin self,
slowly whisking away.


i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

i'm going to sleep soon,
i'm overtired.

but i think i'm going to look on the family computer and see if i can find any old pictures of myself.
i think there are a couple hanging around.

interesting.