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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Oui, JeNeMangePas.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Ohhhh godddd.
Yes, as you can guess,
I have been avoiding this.

I've spent the past 2 hours reading over blogs i've missed.
pretty sure it's only been 2, maybe 3 days since my last update.
and there are SOO MANY.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is i haven't had all of you.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is i'm depressed, tired, lazy.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is that bullshit has been happening.
(refer to above.)

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is food i don't eat as much is accessible here.
no, more like that's all there is.
no veggies, fruits, etc. fuck.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is i am a fat cow wishing desperately to see her once skinny reflection,
but too fucking lazy to actually work for it.

probably i'm just having a bad day.

i have been having lots of bad days.
and they all decided to come together today, and blow up in my face.
i'm too pathetic to even cry more than a tear.
i hate that, when all i want is to cry,
and i just cry one tear.
it feels ridiculous, fake, insincere.

I've lost my "brother".
he doesn't care to see me, and that hurts.
i no longer have someone to call and cry to,
no one to talk about everything to.
i've realized that he's the only person i've ever fully opened up to
about absolutely fuckking everything.
and now he's taking that away with him
and i'm left to hate myself alone.

i've lost my sister.
some punks were talking on her FB about "stuff for the party"
and dee said PM me we'll talk about it.
so i commented that it better be fucking party hats they were talking about
fully knowing that despite the fact that my 14 year old sister hangs out with and dates 12/13 year olds
they're talking about pot, or something more.

long story short,
one of her punk little friends was talking me off
and i got angry, so argued with him to teach him a lesson
only i feel like i came away losing.
it pissed me off, though didn't upset me,
when he called me whore.
said i had aids.
i calmly rebutted as per my usual,
i'm so good at arguments.

it was when her 12 year old pervy disgusting boyfriend
(whom i've heard from sources that he's been in her pants,
and that dee has almost 100% lost her virginity.
((come on, i didn't kiss anyone seriously til i was 16.
unfortunately, i lost my virginity when i was also 16, but that's different.)) )
stepped in at random and said something along the lines of wtf you lesbo, yea you knwo what i'm talking about you lesbian.
(although he spelt it lezbo and lesbeon. *facepalm*)
that i came away feeling hurt.
i said alright dee, glad you know how to care for your family, i'm out.
and planned to stop commenting.
and she came back with finally, thankyou!
to which i oh-so-coolly responded with
FUCK YOU forget you're my sister.
and deleted her.
that whole time, all she'd done was post lol you guys, or omg.
and not once did she stand up for me, and stop her friends from insulting me.
i mean come on.
i love her, she's my sister,
and just all f the times i'd stood up for her.
and will continue to, unfortunately.
but that's just how i am.
it hurt.

i'm pretty sure i've lost two best friends.
i'm tired of C using me,
saying how much she loves me but never really going with it.
only saying it because she liked the sound, i would bet.
and i'm pissed at N and C because of their inability to seperate weed from their lives
the few times i see them.
it's not even that they smoke weed,
i can't stop people from living their lives as they wish,
and i have always refused to.
but if they do something i dislike,
all i ask is they keep it away from me.
(i have reasons for hating weed,
but i don't feel like an even longer post. sorry, maybe another time.)
and they've done this to me on more than one occasion
not just when we're hanging out
(though i hate that, because we do NOTHING.)
but whenever we do something fun.
Trick or Treating,
my going away party,
and then the dance tonight.
when they pulled out the bong at C's,
i waited around, tried to cool down,
but after a few minutes i just walked out the door and towards my house.
they texted me, asking me where i was going, why did i leave, come back.
i texted back fuck off, have fun.
C posted on FB tonight that the dance was fun, "but would have been better if you didn't leave, :/"
fuck you C.
i've had enough.

S told me he liked me.
I was shocked.
He told me because (during a game of Questions) I mentioned I liked him.
He was shocked.
but he's amazing, sweet,
and he can't wait to see me on Monday.
I can't wait to see him either.
though i'm scared.
i hope Monday is a good day.
because today has been awfully charcoal.
darker than gray, not quite black.
but bad.

got Dahlias pierced.
should be helping me lose weight, because i'm not supposed to move my mouth much.
knowing me, i do anyways.
but i guess i can just from now go on a liquid fast for a week or something
because i found out i'm not supposed to eat solids for at least a week after the piercing.
which would make sense,
and help with the discomfort. =P

they're pretty.
i'll take a picture and post when they're healed.
though the amazing sparklies i got for the posts are in fact 14G.
not 16G.
i was pissed.
so now i need to somehow find some sparklies for my dahlias
and i want more black beads for my angelbites
so then angelbites will look like beauty marks,
and dahlias will be sparkly. ^.^

Anyways, i'm sure there's more i haven't told.
like how me and A are not going to prom together,
A is dating T which is fine by me,
i found out i didn't reciprocate any physical interest in her.

and after my shitty day i dranka  couple glasses of wine.
which didn't help how i wanted, because wine makes me sleepy, not drunk.
ho hum.