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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Aughh I haven't been comfortable all day
i'm vaguely worried that i won't be able to sleep because of this ache-y pain.

I did this workout yesterday morning,
and it felt like it was nothing, afterwards
i tried to do what i could,
and i'm so weak that i can't manage to do more than
one set of everything
and so i worried that i hadn't done enough
but the next day, oh. my. god.
I'm so achey and i just hurttt and hurtttt and painnn and acheee.
Only my legs.

Just goes to show how fucking flabby i am.
i swear to god, all 130 pounds of me is fat
not an ounce of muscle.

So i had 1/2 cup cereal w. milk
and a cup of black coffee in the morning.
150 calories


+boiled egg, 2 pickles, 4 green olives,
2 stoned wheat thins
50 calories (I don't count eggs really)

+"California-style" sandwich.
(Tofurkey & Tofu-salami on two pieces of green leaf lettuce,
with mayo and oregano & sundried tomatoes dressing)
+with spoonful of alfredo pasta and a scoop of corn
100 calories (approx.)

(don't count.)

+1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
110 calories.

Total :: 750 calories.

- 2 hours of walking.
with sore legs.
and a purse that weighs at least 50 pounds.

So with all added in,
pree sure i would add up to much under 600 calories,
which is good. =]


Oh shit. A just asked me to make cookies.
Me, thinking of how much i enjoy baking,
got all excited and agreed immediately.

Then realized afterward.
How am I going to be able to eat any more than one cookie ?
And they're totally going to think i'm nuts.
Maybe i'll just try and not eat anything else that day.
maybe like veggies or something,
my little free-foods.
but the cookie (hopefully not 's') will be my main calories of the day xD


is it better to have a bunch of short blogs each day or one long one ?
I don't know, i'm trying to save you guys.
Ohhhh who am I kidding, there's no one reading xD
Just me and Ana here.

BUT back to the point for my need to blog another thing.

I was playing with my hair on cam with A
and i flipped it all over my face and said look i'm an emo kid lol
and she laughs and says but no cutting yourself !
and i totally froze completely and i'm sure my face must have looked off 0.o
i was quiet for a minute,
but then i just said haha
and she said life=good
and i said yea, life is good sometimes.
She doesn't suspect though.

Now i'm kind of worried for when she does see the scars.
Nothing fresh, not in the last couple weeks at least.
but will she notice ?
Will she mention it ?
How will she react ?
What will she say ?

I've had so many different reactions.
M, drunk, i'm sloshed, lolling around,
i through up my hand while i'm talking and she sees oddly enough
and just comments drunkenly HAY DO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT
no no what ? no
KAY better not.
funny. =P

Dee, silent but obviously scared.
runs to tell mom.
Gets incredibly angry, yells.
Didn't expect that.

confronted me immediately,
made me let him look,
kissed my wrist and told me never to do it again.
I didn't listen.

NL still doesn't know.
J confronted me, nicely,
told me i was now on his "friend ship" (long story)
and told me he wouldn't stop buying me smokes, (nother story.)
because he knew they were my alternative.

C never really mentioned it,
but she found out eventually.
after a long while.

N was the first to know, because we're in the same little boat.
We routinely threaten to do "full body inspections".

So how will A react ?


It drove me CRAZY until i googled it
and i found out that just walked for 2 hours
i burned off about 550 calories.
WHICH MEANS i only have about 250 calories left in me.
Not bad, but not nearly enough compared to before
when i would eat 600, and burn off 700.
itll happen again.

less food when i can't work out,
.... less food when i can xD