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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

*Sigh* JeSuisDesolee.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Yea, i am a big fat failure.

had 1/2 cup cereal for breki,
skipped bio to go to the beach with S which was amazing. =]
he's really cool, glad i know him now.
but i had two monsters in town.

then i went with W to some person's house
and they didn't fucking show up xD
so I called nana to pick me up at 630

when i got home, papa was drunk.
papa is an alcoholic.
he's not abusive,
not in his old age at least, mom says.
but he just gets so .... scary. \
like creepy.
mom said the perfect word, "squirrely."
it's so scary.
i'm actually terrified of him when he drinks.

I cried more than i've cried in a long, long time.
and im still holding back tears, hours later.
he was all creepily accusing me of using drugs
(come on, me use drugs ? i don't even like weed.)
and saying he just wanted honesty.
i was like papa, i have never lied to you.
i don't do drugs.

i don't know, that was just scary.

but i made a sandwhich soon as i got home,
and i ate 3/4 of that
went into my trailer to hide from him and cried my face off.
then fucking nana tells me she ordered pizza.
2 slices of greasily amazing loaded with cheese vegetarian pizza.
plus sandwich.
plus a twinkie.
plus a mars bar.
plus a scoop of ice cream.

contemplated throwing up, i was so close.
but i just didn't know if i'd eaten enough ?
the last couple times i'd binged & purged,
i hadn't eaten much,
but it hurt really bad.
i haven't purged in probably a year.

I'm sorry I didn't post.
I was mostly ashamed of my utter failure,
which i'm actually terrified to count the calories of.
i probably will at some point, i suppose.
but ive had too rough of a night to do that now.
i'd really rather not cry anymore.

S is so sweet, he;s just really nice.
i can't tell if he likes me or not.
i'm scared, because i had a crush on him before the whole otherC encounter,
and the "i dno't want to touch another man" thing.
i still don't think i'd be able to be physical with a guy.
but maybe it was because things moved way too fast.
because they did.
i guess we'll just see.

Chilliwack tomorrow morning.
papa is out drinking,
i just hope he gets back in time to take me home.
i couldn't use this week away any more.
Get to see A tomorrow.
see how i feel about her ...
how am i going to be able to deal if she likes me so much,
and it turns out i don't like her back ?
i haven't seen her in so long.

we'll see, everything happens for a reason.

Mommy has a more accurate scale at her house,
digital v. nana's ... ancient thing.
and i'll try to jog and diet there.

wish me luck babes,
i could really use it tonight.