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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Oh my god.
I want some.
It started off I just wanted to try it.
I've always said there's a time and place for everything,
i won't accept or reject any opportunity until it presents itself,
and i can judge it at that time.

I had one puff, i was in grade 8.
I was 14 years old, I was skinny,
I was beautiful,
though I hadn't seen it at the time.
I didn't touch a cigarette for another two years.

It was summertime,
my cousin smoked, and i spent all my time with her.
She shared with me,
but i just enjoyed the smoke,
the silky tendrils caressing the air.
But then I learned how to properly smoke,
(I Wiki-How'd it. Am I cool or what ?
There goes my over-confident, all-knowing sex appeal.)
and I loved the feeling even more.

I didn't have any when she stopped smoking.
Then I met N, we started hanging out,
and she smoked Bullseyes.
The smell had attracted me since years before,
and before long It was daily, and then I had my own pack.

I've since switched to Canadians, or Players.
I still enjoy a good bullseye now and then,
and menthols are sexy as fuck.

If I really wanted to, I could stop.
I just don't want to, at all.
I love smoking, I love the feeling,
and as much as I tried to deny it in past,
I still love the glamourous look it gives off.
(When presented appropriately.
Think more Audrey Hepburn,
rather than your 45 year old mother.)

And in all honesty, it keeps me distracted.
From other things I really shouldn't be doing.
Eating is one of them, obviously.
The other is another nasty habit
i'm not sure I wish to share at the moment.
But one day i most likely will,
i'm sure it's not hard to guess.
It relieves my stress,
when I don't have smokes.

The point of this entire ramble is that I want smokes.
I haven't had any in a week and a half,
and I have no connections here in Pville.
I can't wait to move the fuck back to home.
This has been good,
especially because i've been able to take sewing,
and learn so much.
Otherwise this was ridiculous, i wish i'd never left.
but everything happens for a reason,
and i suppose it has been good to have a chance of place.

My birthday is tomorrow.
I won't be celebrating it until the weekend,
but then I get to spend a week back home,
and I get to see everyone.
So excited, so excited. =]

Dee is moving in with her dad.
At first i was upset, she's just growing up,
and she's my best friend again,
i've missed hanging out with her.
But then nana brought to my attention that her dad lives near us here.
So i'll get to see her more often anyways =]
until I move back in June, of course.

Oh, prom.
Oh gorgeous dress i'm making myself.
Oh gorgeous girl who somehow finds me amazing.
Oh three more days until I get to see my lovely,
and go on a fabs date. =] <3

Although apparently S told A the other day
that she wanted to ask me out when I come up this weekend.
A was very mad, said she believed S only said it to piss her off,
because she knew how much A likes me.
I asked if S was drunk ? no. Really ? I never would have expected.
I mean, I kissed her one time,
but more as a friend.
Though i've had a crush on her since i met her =P
Hopefully this doesn't cause complications.
I'm already still attempting to deal with C's problems.
Makes me so mad.
If you'd only asked me, I would have given up anything to be with you.
But you didn't ask, and I know you never will.
You're not serious, I know.
I just need to not be.
But everything happens for a reason.
If C had asked me,
then I wouldn't have stayed with otherC long enough to ...
Well, lose the last possible shred of appreciation I might possibly have had for men.

Kay that was gibberish.
I struggled for the last couple years over my orientation,
I've never liked men's bodies,
but i would put it off as I'm just not used to them.
and so I tried things,
I gave guys chances,
and eventually I tried the last thing I could,
and with a man it was definitely,
bone-deep WRONG.
And that was when I realized, I had nothing,
not even a hope left that I might like men.

I was very glad.
I am very glad.
I love that I know who I am more,
and that I know for sure. =]
And I'm so glad I don't have to even think about guys's bodies.
Sorry, they're gross.
And fuck, women have such sexy bodies,
all of them. =]

Did not know that a woman's bowels let go when she gives birth.
(to put it lightly.)
Scared for children now.
But i guess those are a stretch for me anyways,
aren't they ?

Sorry for the incredibly long post,
I swear it meant to be a simple expulsion of thoughts.
But it turned out to be a very long rant,
and in-depth look into my being.
So I hope you enjoyed.

I did fairly well today,
for just starting back on my diet, i suppose.

Had cereal in the morning, bout a cup,
with homo milk.
darn grandparents.
about 250 calories.
+ black coffee with 1 sugar, 25 cals.

black coffee with 2 sugars,
about 50 calories ?

Half a can of coke through the day, 80 calories.

goddamnit, nana made french fries.
that's at least 300.
greeasy tantalizing motherfuckers.
(NOTE TO SELF: I didn't even enjoy them,
I merely ate them out of habit.)

Had a boiled egg with salt,
a carrot,
activia yogurt.
200 calories total ?

So i guess i had about ...
little over 900 calories.
worked out 30 minutes in the morning,
and jogged for 5 xD i'm weak.
so it all counters out,
and i've definitely eaten and then burned off to under 900 calories.

winnn =]
I wasn't even trying.

Gotta love S,
who said she'd buy me smokes as a birthday present.
If it wouldn't piss of A,
I would kiss her. xD

Contemplating spending some of my birthday money on a carton,
to last me til my next visit in a month ...
but possibly not, too much money with my Dahlia piercings.
Unless daddy sends money ?
Oh well, i'll shuffle things around.
I still want my fucking Viva La Juicy perfume.

Love Loves <3