My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Oui, JeNeMangePas.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Ohhhh godddd.
Yes, as you can guess,
I have been avoiding this.

I've spent the past 2 hours reading over blogs i've missed.
pretty sure it's only been 2, maybe 3 days since my last update.
and there are SOO MANY.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is i haven't had all of you.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is i'm depressed, tired, lazy.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is that bullshit has been happening.
(refer to above.)

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is food i don't eat as much is accessible here.
no, more like that's all there is.
no veggies, fruits, etc. fuck.

probably a reason i haven't been staying true is i am a fat cow wishing desperately to see her once skinny reflection,
but too fucking lazy to actually work for it.

probably i'm just having a bad day.

i have been having lots of bad days.
and they all decided to come together today, and blow up in my face.
i'm too pathetic to even cry more than a tear.
i hate that, when all i want is to cry,
and i just cry one tear.
it feels ridiculous, fake, insincere.

I've lost my "brother".
he doesn't care to see me, and that hurts.
i no longer have someone to call and cry to,
no one to talk about everything to.
i've realized that he's the only person i've ever fully opened up to
about absolutely fuckking everything.
and now he's taking that away with him
and i'm left to hate myself alone.

i've lost my sister.
some punks were talking on her FB about "stuff for the party"
and dee said PM me we'll talk about it.
so i commented that it better be fucking party hats they were talking about
fully knowing that despite the fact that my 14 year old sister hangs out with and dates 12/13 year olds
they're talking about pot, or something more.

long story short,
one of her punk little friends was talking me off
and i got angry, so argued with him to teach him a lesson
only i feel like i came away losing.
it pissed me off, though didn't upset me,
when he called me whore.
said i had aids.
i calmly rebutted as per my usual,
i'm so good at arguments.

it was when her 12 year old pervy disgusting boyfriend
(whom i've heard from sources that he's been in her pants,
and that dee has almost 100% lost her virginity.
((come on, i didn't kiss anyone seriously til i was 16.
unfortunately, i lost my virginity when i was also 16, but that's different.)) )
stepped in at random and said something along the lines of wtf you lesbo, yea you knwo what i'm talking about you lesbian.
(although he spelt it lezbo and lesbeon. *facepalm*)
that i came away feeling hurt.
i said alright dee, glad you know how to care for your family, i'm out.
and planned to stop commenting.
and she came back with finally, thankyou!
to which i oh-so-coolly responded with
FUCK YOU forget you're my sister.
and deleted her.
that whole time, all she'd done was post lol you guys, or omg.
and not once did she stand up for me, and stop her friends from insulting me.
i mean come on.
i love her, she's my sister,
and just all f the times i'd stood up for her.
and will continue to, unfortunately.
but that's just how i am.
it hurt.

i'm pretty sure i've lost two best friends.
i'm tired of C using me,
saying how much she loves me but never really going with it.
only saying it because she liked the sound, i would bet.
and i'm pissed at N and C because of their inability to seperate weed from their lives
the few times i see them.
it's not even that they smoke weed,
i can't stop people from living their lives as they wish,
and i have always refused to.
but if they do something i dislike,
all i ask is they keep it away from me.
(i have reasons for hating weed,
but i don't feel like an even longer post. sorry, maybe another time.)
and they've done this to me on more than one occasion
not just when we're hanging out
(though i hate that, because we do NOTHING.)
but whenever we do something fun.
Trick or Treating,
my going away party,
and then the dance tonight.
when they pulled out the bong at C's,
i waited around, tried to cool down,
but after a few minutes i just walked out the door and towards my house.
they texted me, asking me where i was going, why did i leave, come back.
i texted back fuck off, have fun.
C posted on FB tonight that the dance was fun, "but would have been better if you didn't leave, :/"
fuck you C.
i've had enough.

S told me he liked me.
I was shocked.
He told me because (during a game of Questions) I mentioned I liked him.
He was shocked.
but he's amazing, sweet,
and he can't wait to see me on Monday.
I can't wait to see him either.
though i'm scared.
i hope Monday is a good day.
because today has been awfully charcoal.
darker than gray, not quite black.
but bad.

got Dahlias pierced.
should be helping me lose weight, because i'm not supposed to move my mouth much.
knowing me, i do anyways.
but i guess i can just from now go on a liquid fast for a week or something
because i found out i'm not supposed to eat solids for at least a week after the piercing.
which would make sense,
and help with the discomfort. =P

they're pretty.
i'll take a picture and post when they're healed.
though the amazing sparklies i got for the posts are in fact 14G.
not 16G.
i was pissed.
so now i need to somehow find some sparklies for my dahlias
and i want more black beads for my angelbites
so then angelbites will look like beauty marks,
and dahlias will be sparkly. ^.^

Anyways, i'm sure there's more i haven't told.
like how me and A are not going to prom together,
A is dating T which is fine by me,
i found out i didn't reciprocate any physical interest in her.

and after my shitty day i dranka  couple glasses of wine.
which didn't help how i wanted, because wine makes me sleepy, not drunk.
ho hum.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Alright i'm going to try desperately to latch back onto a thought that barely passed through my mind
but is amaziing

we want results RIGHT NOW.
or it feels like a failure.
and day to day it is such a pain,
such a struggle,
and the end seems so far away.

think about when you were (are ?) in high school
or elementary school
every day seems like such a struggle
you learn something new,
you have more tests, surprise quizzes,
and after a longgg long time,
you accomplish what you set out to do in the first place

but you couldn't have just passed the year right on the first day
you needed every day to teach you,
teach you how, and why,
teach you tricks, make you develop aiding habits.
and in the end, you look back and realize where it was so hard working through it,
it is amazingly simple,
a normal part of life now.

That is ana.
if you lost all the weight in one day,
you wouldnt learn,
you wouldn't know inherently,
and be able to without thinking maintain your new body
after a time, restricting, exercising,
it becomes habit,
everyday routine.
so once youve reached your goal,
youll have picked up all of this,
and you can keep the weight you want.

Patience is a necessary evil.


Blehhhhh my stomach hurts soooo baaaaad.
Pretty sure it shrunk while i was dieting,
and then yesterday and today have been like FOOD FOOD from everyone
so i'm just siiiick, and i gained back to 131. =/
soooo i have to start again. n
this sucks.
yesterday i had this real chocolate (probably uber fattening) ice cream bar,
sushi, and 3/4 of a huge fatty poutine.
today i had a cupcake, cereal, and sushi again.

i guess not as bad as i though,
but lotssss of calories,
and my stomach has been screaming at me.

went on that date with A.
she bought me flowers,
she MADE like PICKED OUT a bouquet for me of all my fave flowers.
with cupcakes she made, and a card.
and skating was sooo fun,
then we watched scary movies in her bed after sushi at tokyo grill,
and then just slept.
we held hands most of the day,
but we didn'tkiss.

i'm kinda glad, because i really don't feel any connection with her.
she's amazingg, and funny, and fun.
but i don't feel that spark.
and i'm just not the kind of person to date someone i don't feel that with.
fuckkk. i feel so bad.

What's worse, and more confusing,
is i'm thinking i'm developing feelings for S.
i mean fucking come on.
He's a guy.
Jeepers, i have to come up with another nickname for him
because i already have a girl S,
and now there's boy S.

hope everyone's doing well.
i'm gonna crash out and sleep all of this off.

*Sigh* JeSuisDesolee.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Yea, i am a big fat failure.

had 1/2 cup cereal for breki,
skipped bio to go to the beach with S which was amazing. =]
he's really cool, glad i know him now.
but i had two monsters in town.

then i went with W to some person's house
and they didn't fucking show up xD
so I called nana to pick me up at 630

when i got home, papa was drunk.
papa is an alcoholic.
he's not abusive,
not in his old age at least, mom says.
but he just gets so .... scary. \
like creepy.
mom said the perfect word, "squirrely."
it's so scary.
i'm actually terrified of him when he drinks.

I cried more than i've cried in a long, long time.
and im still holding back tears, hours later.
he was all creepily accusing me of using drugs
(come on, me use drugs ? i don't even like weed.)
and saying he just wanted honesty.
i was like papa, i have never lied to you.
i don't do drugs.

i don't know, that was just scary.

but i made a sandwhich soon as i got home,
and i ate 3/4 of that
went into my trailer to hide from him and cried my face off.
then fucking nana tells me she ordered pizza.
2 slices of greasily amazing loaded with cheese vegetarian pizza.
plus sandwich.
plus a twinkie.
plus a mars bar.
plus a scoop of ice cream.

contemplated throwing up, i was so close.
but i just didn't know if i'd eaten enough ?
the last couple times i'd binged & purged,
i hadn't eaten much,
but it hurt really bad.
i haven't purged in probably a year.

I'm sorry I didn't post.
I was mostly ashamed of my utter failure,
which i'm actually terrified to count the calories of.
i probably will at some point, i suppose.
but ive had too rough of a night to do that now.
i'd really rather not cry anymore.

S is so sweet, he;s just really nice.
i can't tell if he likes me or not.
i'm scared, because i had a crush on him before the whole otherC encounter,
and the "i dno't want to touch another man" thing.
i still don't think i'd be able to be physical with a guy.
but maybe it was because things moved way too fast.
because they did.
i guess we'll just see.

Chilliwack tomorrow morning.
papa is out drinking,
i just hope he gets back in time to take me home.
i couldn't use this week away any more.
Get to see A tomorrow.
see how i feel about her ...
how am i going to be able to deal if she likes me so much,
and it turns out i don't like her back ?
i haven't seen her in so long.

we'll see, everything happens for a reason.

Mommy has a more accurate scale at her house,
digital v. nana's ... ancient thing.
and i'll try to jog and diet there.

wish me luck babes,
i could really use it tonight.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

I have now made a youtube. =]
you should add me and subscribe !

i'll be posting thinspos and thinspirational videos =]


Nana's making homemade bread rolls.
they smell sooo good.
but i looked it up online
(Google <3)
and i'm scared, cuz they're like 100+ calories for one fucking roll.
and i'd have to have it with butter, of course.

Kill me now.

Legs are still sore from workout the other day.
couldnt get up early enough to work out this morning,
but we cleaned the office today,
so that's a 40 minute workout fersure =P

I actually didn't eat much today.
1/2 cup cereal in the morning.
boiled egg w. 2 pickles and 4 green olives
and then i've been chewing gum and drinking water.
after we did the office, i really felt no hunger
i just felt good from all the exercise =P

i don't know what i'm eating for dinner.
i know i've eaten so little today i don't have to worry.
but i don't feel like eating, tbh.
there's nothing i want to eat,
and anything i might make ...
the calories just scare me today.
even 70 sounds like a scary number.

at least i've only eaten ...
hay, google says a hard-boiled egg is 76 calories.
fuck me.
how many calories are in salt ?
cuz i can't stop with the salt. =P

so yea, i've eaten 220 calories total today,
and it's 621 pm.
don't know what dinner will have in store for me,
but if i can get away with it,
i don't feel like eating anything at all.

why are all my blogs so long ?
I think it's my spacing & sentence structure.
at the end of most every sentence
or in the middle of long sentences
i have to put he next part down on the next line =P
it's like this obsessive thing when i blog.
so i guess that's why my blogs are so long =P
they're really not much longer than others.

i was gonna hang with S during the middle of the day
my coffeeshop time
i was so excited =[
i don't want another thursday

oh thank god, much better than i feared.
had a roll & spaghetti
the roll was prolly about 100 cals,
the spaghetti (as said by google)
should have been about 250 calories.
thank fucking jesus.

Today's calorie intake :: 570
-workout. =176
oh that's kinda weak.
but i still ate wayy under my limit ! =D


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Aughh I haven't been comfortable all day
i'm vaguely worried that i won't be able to sleep because of this ache-y pain.

I did this workout yesterday morning,
and it felt like it was nothing, afterwards
i tried to do what i could,
and i'm so weak that i can't manage to do more than
one set of everything
and so i worried that i hadn't done enough
but the next day, oh. my. god.
I'm so achey and i just hurttt and hurtttt and painnn and acheee.
Only my legs.

Just goes to show how fucking flabby i am.
i swear to god, all 130 pounds of me is fat
not an ounce of muscle.

So i had 1/2 cup cereal w. milk
and a cup of black coffee in the morning.
150 calories


+boiled egg, 2 pickles, 4 green olives,
2 stoned wheat thins
50 calories (I don't count eggs really)

+"California-style" sandwich.
(Tofurkey & Tofu-salami on two pieces of green leaf lettuce,
with mayo and oregano & sundried tomatoes dressing)
+with spoonful of alfredo pasta and a scoop of corn
100 calories (approx.)

(don't count.)

+1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
110 calories.

Total :: 750 calories.

- 2 hours of walking.
with sore legs.
and a purse that weighs at least 50 pounds.

So with all added in,
pree sure i would add up to much under 600 calories,
which is good. =]


Oh shit. A just asked me to make cookies.
Me, thinking of how much i enjoy baking,
got all excited and agreed immediately.

Then realized afterward.
How am I going to be able to eat any more than one cookie ?
And they're totally going to think i'm nuts.
Maybe i'll just try and not eat anything else that day.
maybe like veggies or something,
my little free-foods.
but the cookie (hopefully not 's') will be my main calories of the day xD


is it better to have a bunch of short blogs each day or one long one ?
I don't know, i'm trying to save you guys.
Ohhhh who am I kidding, there's no one reading xD
Just me and Ana here.

BUT back to the point for my need to blog another thing.

I was playing with my hair on cam with A
and i flipped it all over my face and said look i'm an emo kid lol
and she laughs and says but no cutting yourself !
and i totally froze completely and i'm sure my face must have looked off 0.o
i was quiet for a minute,
but then i just said haha
and she said life=good
and i said yea, life is good sometimes.
She doesn't suspect though.

Now i'm kind of worried for when she does see the scars.
Nothing fresh, not in the last couple weeks at least.
but will she notice ?
Will she mention it ?
How will she react ?
What will she say ?

I've had so many different reactions.
M, drunk, i'm sloshed, lolling around,
i through up my hand while i'm talking and she sees oddly enough
and just comments drunkenly HAY DO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT
no no what ? no
KAY better not.
funny. =P

Dee, silent but obviously scared.
runs to tell mom.
Gets incredibly angry, yells.
Didn't expect that.

confronted me immediately,
made me let him look,
kissed my wrist and told me never to do it again.
I didn't listen.

NL still doesn't know.
J confronted me, nicely,
told me i was now on his "friend ship" (long story)
and told me he wouldn't stop buying me smokes, (nother story.)
because he knew they were my alternative.

C never really mentioned it,
but she found out eventually.
after a long while.

N was the first to know, because we're in the same little boat.
We routinely threaten to do "full body inspections".

So how will A react ?


It drove me CRAZY until i googled it
and i found out that just walked for 2 hours
i burned off about 550 calories.
WHICH MEANS i only have about 250 calories left in me.
Not bad, but not nearly enough compared to before
when i would eat 600, and burn off 700.
itll happen again.

less food when i can't work out,
.... less food when i can xD

Waif-like, Ethereal.

Ana is beauty
Waif-like, ethereal.

Ana is control over
the raging demon Hunger

Ana is a goddess,
in all her power.

Ana is a feather-body
a tightness under the skin
exemplifying excellence
proudly exclaiming the absence
of gluttonous excess.

Proudly screaming
I am Ana.

Ana is a million handprints on your heart

of those who have come before you, 
stand with you, 
and will follow in your wake. 

Ana is a mother, a daughter
an uncle, a cousin
a model, a mistress
a baker, a businessman

Ana is that tantalizing voice in the back
of your head.

Ana is the voice that is the test that is

Ana is beauty,
Waif-like, ethereal.

Ana is me.


Empty park benches.
Empty trees.
A smattering of bright dandelions
in the hopes of happy-making the
Empty lawn.

They have failed.

Until the sun strokes her
loving hand
across the earth's face.
This is a wasteland.

Maybe I should make a chain
Rip their uplifted faces from their
weeping tortured stems.
Maybe I won't.
I've had enough destruction for today.

And the God walks on
leaving miraculous footprints in
the sand.
His footprints are bullshit.
His footprints are lies.
Merely the footprints of a glorified

Who lived and died, as all do.

The only thing miraculous
about Him
Is the gift of life,
That he had lived at all.

We are all Miracles.


Google says 300-400 calories.
Least it took an hour and a half walk today,
and i'm plannin one of my famous uber-low calorie dinners =P

Gum, black coffee,
keep me preoccupied otherwise. <3


It's staring at me.
Sitting on the table beside my netbook,
just leering.
Taunting me.

I haven't touched it.

I bought a smoothie because i only had a half cup of cereal for breki
which amounts to about 150 calories.
And because it's warm out,
and I wanted to go to the beach and half a nayce cool drink.
I'll drink it, yea.

Does anyone know how many calories are in a strawberry smoothie ?
Nevermind, I'll google it.

Oh google, you are my true love,
you're always there to tell me what's what ;D

I'm sitting in the Pacific Brimm.
If you know where Pville is,
You'll know the Pacific Brimm.
It's beside the laundromat, across from the music store.

Come visit me sometime.

I'll be the one with brightly coloured hair,
possibly crying over the 12 posts I got on my wall I have yet to go through.
I can't believe so many people have Happy Birthday'd me already. =]
I miss them, I can't wait to see them.

2 more days.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Oh my god.
I want some.
It started off I just wanted to try it.
I've always said there's a time and place for everything,
i won't accept or reject any opportunity until it presents itself,
and i can judge it at that time.

I had one puff, i was in grade 8.
I was 14 years old, I was skinny,
I was beautiful,
though I hadn't seen it at the time.
I didn't touch a cigarette for another two years.

It was summertime,
my cousin smoked, and i spent all my time with her.
She shared with me,
but i just enjoyed the smoke,
the silky tendrils caressing the air.
But then I learned how to properly smoke,
(I Wiki-How'd it. Am I cool or what ?
There goes my over-confident, all-knowing sex appeal.)
and I loved the feeling even more.

I didn't have any when she stopped smoking.
Then I met N, we started hanging out,
and she smoked Bullseyes.
The smell had attracted me since years before,
and before long It was daily, and then I had my own pack.

I've since switched to Canadians, or Players.
I still enjoy a good bullseye now and then,
and menthols are sexy as fuck.

If I really wanted to, I could stop.
I just don't want to, at all.
I love smoking, I love the feeling,
and as much as I tried to deny it in past,
I still love the glamourous look it gives off.
(When presented appropriately.
Think more Audrey Hepburn,
rather than your 45 year old mother.)

And in all honesty, it keeps me distracted.
From other things I really shouldn't be doing.
Eating is one of them, obviously.
The other is another nasty habit
i'm not sure I wish to share at the moment.
But one day i most likely will,
i'm sure it's not hard to guess.
It relieves my stress,
when I don't have smokes.

The point of this entire ramble is that I want smokes.
I haven't had any in a week and a half,
and I have no connections here in Pville.
I can't wait to move the fuck back to home.
This has been good,
especially because i've been able to take sewing,
and learn so much.
Otherwise this was ridiculous, i wish i'd never left.
but everything happens for a reason,
and i suppose it has been good to have a chance of place.

My birthday is tomorrow.
I won't be celebrating it until the weekend,
but then I get to spend a week back home,
and I get to see everyone.
So excited, so excited. =]

Dee is moving in with her dad.
At first i was upset, she's just growing up,
and she's my best friend again,
i've missed hanging out with her.
But then nana brought to my attention that her dad lives near us here.
So i'll get to see her more often anyways =]
until I move back in June, of course.

Oh, prom.
Oh gorgeous dress i'm making myself.
Oh gorgeous girl who somehow finds me amazing.
Oh three more days until I get to see my lovely,
and go on a fabs date. =] <3

Although apparently S told A the other day
that she wanted to ask me out when I come up this weekend.
A was very mad, said she believed S only said it to piss her off,
because she knew how much A likes me.
I asked if S was drunk ? no. Really ? I never would have expected.
I mean, I kissed her one time,
but more as a friend.
Though i've had a crush on her since i met her =P
Hopefully this doesn't cause complications.
I'm already still attempting to deal with C's problems.
Makes me so mad.
If you'd only asked me, I would have given up anything to be with you.
But you didn't ask, and I know you never will.
You're not serious, I know.
I just need to not be.
But everything happens for a reason.
If C had asked me,
then I wouldn't have stayed with otherC long enough to ...
Well, lose the last possible shred of appreciation I might possibly have had for men.

Kay that was gibberish.
I struggled for the last couple years over my orientation,
I've never liked men's bodies,
but i would put it off as I'm just not used to them.
and so I tried things,
I gave guys chances,
and eventually I tried the last thing I could,
and with a man it was definitely,
bone-deep WRONG.
And that was when I realized, I had nothing,
not even a hope left that I might like men.

I was very glad.
I am very glad.
I love that I know who I am more,
and that I know for sure. =]
And I'm so glad I don't have to even think about guys's bodies.
Sorry, they're gross.
And fuck, women have such sexy bodies,
all of them. =]

Did not know that a woman's bowels let go when she gives birth.
(to put it lightly.)
Scared for children now.
But i guess those are a stretch for me anyways,
aren't they ?

Sorry for the incredibly long post,
I swear it meant to be a simple expulsion of thoughts.
But it turned out to be a very long rant,
and in-depth look into my being.
So I hope you enjoyed.

I did fairly well today,
for just starting back on my diet, i suppose.

Had cereal in the morning, bout a cup,
with homo milk.
darn grandparents.
about 250 calories.
+ black coffee with 1 sugar, 25 cals.

black coffee with 2 sugars,
about 50 calories ?

Half a can of coke through the day, 80 calories.

goddamnit, nana made french fries.
that's at least 300.
greeasy tantalizing motherfuckers.
(NOTE TO SELF: I didn't even enjoy them,
I merely ate them out of habit.)

Had a boiled egg with salt,
a carrot,
activia yogurt.
200 calories total ?

So i guess i had about ...
little over 900 calories.
worked out 30 minutes in the morning,
and jogged for 5 xD i'm weak.
so it all counters out,
and i've definitely eaten and then burned off to under 900 calories.

winnn =]
I wasn't even trying.

Gotta love S,
who said she'd buy me smokes as a birthday present.
If it wouldn't piss of A,
I would kiss her. xD

Contemplating spending some of my birthday money on a carton,
to last me til my next visit in a month ...
but possibly not, too much money with my Dahlia piercings.
Unless daddy sends money ?
Oh well, i'll shuffle things around.
I still want my fucking Viva La Juicy perfume.

Love Loves <3


For awhile, I was good.

under 600 calories a day,
chewing gum all day,
and then exercising at night, burning off at least 300,
but generally more like 600+ calories.
I would have been well on my way.

But then I went to visit my family and friends for a week.
You can't maintain a strict (and vegetarian) diet
in a house full of chips, chocolate, pudding, kraft dinner,
and carnivores.
At least i walked alot.

But when i brought my boyfriend back for a week,
i couldn't have him see me exercising at 11 at night,
and counting all my calories,
and the little portions i'd eat.

And i just never picked it up again after that.
Yet i was fine, it didn't hurt me,
i felt pretty good.
(false happy.)

I watched a couple episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny today.
There was this terribly obese woman,
she was talking to the "supersize" woman of course.
But she said "That little voice in your head, that tells you 'i'll start my diet tomorrow',
That little voice is out to kill you."
I seriously started crying right there,
because it's so true, i hear that every day,
and it takes alot to suck it up and tell that voice to fuck off,
my diet starts now.

I'm starting again,
and i'm bringing my food with me when i visit next week,
and i'll have hours in the middle of the day with nothing to do
and no one home,
so I can go for jogs, and work out.

The only thing I need to conquer is the working out in the morning.
I need to be able to wake up early enough to work out,
and i need to GET OUT OF BED AND START.
but it's so hard to get out of bed,
i'm tired all the time.
Well, that makes sense,
coming from a depressed anorexic vegetarian with mild anemia. =P

I'm getting to see A this weekend,
i'm going to be in Chilliwack around noon on Saturday.
and then i'll be there for a week,
and A is taking me on a date =]
I'm so excited, it's been too long since i've seen her.