Alzheimer's

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I find myself on the brink of tears again.
Oldie made me go on msn last night to talk to him
i was so mad i didn't even want to answer his texts
i mean come on, i loved him as a brother,
he was most important to me (second to my mother, which says alot haha)
and he just ignored me for so long.
I know he's been working overtime at work,
and he's got his girlfriend,
but it takes 30 fucking seconds to send a text message.

i took him off my facebook just before he messaged me.

he made me go on cam & call,
so we just sat and played video games
while he tried to get me to talk to him about my life like i used to
and i just avoided the questions, no matter the amount of times he posed them.
he asked why i never called him anymore when i was upset
i said because i don't call you.
he asked what was wrong, told me to talk to him.
i just shook my head, wouldn't say anything.
you've removed yourself from my life,
and i'm not gonna let you just come right back in at your whim.

i don't have anyone to talk to anymore.
no one to pour out all my hurt and worries to.
you'd be surprised at how much this hurts,
and screws me up.


C texted me today, wanted me to come to N's birthday.
she said plans had changed, she wanted to talk to me about them.
they turned out exactly as i had told her they would.
"N wants to be high all day, but i want to see you so i'm not going to."
i responded with oh you dont have to, as im supposed to.
she said what, did i think she was stupid ?
she knows it hurt me really bad, and she was sorry.
she said i meant more to her than that.
i teared up, i'll admit it.

but it turned out that N didn't really want me to come, as i figured.
she said that if it would bother me at all that she'd be high all day,
she didn't want me there at all.
so i said alright, i'm not feeling well, i'm not coming.
C tried to persuade me to visit when i was better,
to come for the cake at least, etc.
i told her i wouldn't feel better later, cake grosses me out, etc.
i told her to have fun.
she said that would only entail me being there.
i repeated that she should have fun.
she said she wanted to see me before i left.
i lied, and told her i probably would.

i hurt too much to see her.


i didn't eat breakfast this morning.
it's frustrating how eating breakfast, whatever you may eat,
jumpstarts your metabolism for the day.
so in theory, if you want to lose weight,
you should at least nibble at something.
yet if i eat anything, i have to eat everything.
if i put off eating, i really don't feel like eating anything
for most of the day.

i had a popsicle, for my swelling,
but i don't really count that. (my juice rule.)
had it been a fudgecicle, i would have counted that, b.c that is frozen chocolate
while this is just flavoured ice, in my opinion.
it doesn't make me feel like i ate anything either, so that's good.
i'm going to see how long i can last after "dinner time" before i feel i need to eat.
if i really feel like i need to eat, i'll have some vegetable soup.

would you believe they have one can of soup here ?
it's ridiculous, how am i supposed to avoid chewing.
it's too frustrating to chew so much, it hurts.

my lips are so massively swollen.
i have cupid's bow lips, meaning my upper lip is thin, and curves upward.
but it's so swollen, my mouth feels strange, my upper lip is so full now.
i want my regular small mouth back.
hopefully the swelling does not last two weeks,
as google told me was a possibility.
but at least i found out the incredible swelling is normal for this piercing.

i apologize if i ever repeat facts, statements, thoughts, etc.
sometimes it's literary, but that's mainly with repetition of thoughts.
but if i comment on finding out a piercing's swelling one day,
then comment the same thing the next day, it's not on purpose.
it's just my terrible memory,
and i simply can't recall what i had said the day before.

so there's your heads up.
i swear sometimes i have alzheimer's.

I'm sorry this was such a downer blog.
but i had to write,
and i just hurt so much.
i'm tired of feeling alone, and losing people.
and feeling like a failure.

Nothing.

Yes, nothing of interest to say today.
had a major blow up yesterday, don't know if i mentioned that.
wayyyy too forgetful lately. >.<
but i ended up making up with C, she was sincerely sorry.
I love her too much. >.>


Note to self ::
Apply online to places in chilliwack for the summer


found out today through random googling that
my dahlias swell more than normal lip/cheek piercings.
and the swelling can last up to two weeks.

yeaaa, that was an fml moment.
but ohwells, i made myself a bottle of salt water rinse in lieu of mouthwash for now,
and i learned chamomile will help the swelling/irritation,
and i learned that i should really be taking regular doses of ibuprofen to battle the swelling.

just when you think you knew it all =P


Don't know if i mentioned I talked to Mike Grant
(amazingly fucking amazing guy, though he has a terrible reputation around town 0.o)
who is a world-class (legit, no joke) piercer
about apprenticing. ^.^
he says he only takes people he knows will be quote unquote "fucking amazing"
(sorry felt like saying quote unquote, i know i quoted anyways haha)
and explained costs, payment, curriculum, etc.
it only made me that much more passionate.
i think/hopehopehope that he saw my passion.
i told him i'd be back in a couple months. =]

mom said i can move out when im ready.
i.e got my L, have a steady job, am graduated.
which means by January, yayyyy.
except she wants to fucking move this summer from chilliwack.
i DO NOT want a new fucking school for my last semester.


anyways, that is all.
N's birthday with C tomorrow, guess i'm going.
kind of forgiven them.
more like i've overlooked it because i love C too much.

and then sunday i return to my hoooome.
and to my not so shitty eating and exercise regime.
and i get to see BoyS on Monday ^.^

LAWL love my nickname for him ? haha. i'm so original.

LittleDidYouKnow.

Age: 17
Height: 5'8
Weight: 131.2

Highest Weight: 132
Lowest Weight: Since i started caring, 112
Goal Weight: 110

Favorite Diet Food:
low fat soy ice cream, vegetables&fruit, vitamin water

Favorite Binge Food:
pasta, pizza, chocolate, kraft dinner

Favorite Exercise:
anything with music and alone

Favorite Thinspo?
gorgeous super-thin chicks

Where Do You Slip Up?
when low-fat foods, or foods i normally eat, aren't available.

When Did It Start?
i remember in grade 4 it was a competition of who weighed less. 

but when i consciously started losing/maintaining weight would have been at about 12 or 13.

Does Anyone Know?
maybe two people in my life. one i don't talk to anymore. the other is never around. 

Do You Want Help?
haha i want help to be thinner, and more controlled. 

but i don't need to get "better".

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Typically under 600

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
unloved, podgy, imperfect, ugly, stupid

Are You In A Relationship?
not yet

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
my friends are all thinspo-thin. 

i've just barely escaped being the fat one.

Are You Depressed?
Yes

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
No, but i have thought about it, 

though more of consideration to purpose, not planning. 

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
a counselor.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ED-NOS
[ ] bulimic


[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/​bulimic (used to when i was skinny.)
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[ ] Don't know I still am anorexic/​bulimic
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/​bulimic


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight

[x] being anorexic/​bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[ ] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home. (kind of i suppose.)
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single (not for long.)
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger. (well i met him and hours later ?)
[x] I have kissed a stranger. (same as above)

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-​depressants.​
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying

[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.


[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[x] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[ ] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion (i was sick and starving myself haha.)

I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-​depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites

[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food

[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment

[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself