My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

yay me. =]
now if only i could stop fighting with S about this.
i've grown up in a female dominant family,
and i already feel protective of my not-really-there-yet bump.
over-protective. fiercely so.
and selfish. i really don't wanna share her.
i know i will.
but fuck, i just wish someone would let me be selfish.

s wants to redeem his childhood by being an amazing father
except he's making it into a contest.
and i hate it.
i wanna kick him in the fucking teeth and tell him
get lost it's all mine.

i can't though, i guess.
it'd be more helpful if he didn't want it,
to be honest.

mom wants him to move in.
i don't, because we'll just fight incessantly.

i just keep crying and getting stressed out.
i'm so tired all the time.

and i'm so so scared i'll lose this baby.
i find myself stroking my tummy protectively all the time.
i'm scared.
i'm irrational.
i'm bipolar, from the hormones.
i'm not myself.

but i'm myself and a baby.

wanna hear my names ?
I really want a girl, (Porcelain Dahlia, called Portia or Dolly)
but my boy name is kickass. (Harley Laken Scott, but called Laken.)
i would love to see a boy made by me,
but i wanta  girl so so bad.
so much more fun, and i'm so girly,
just please give me a girl.
i'll have my boy later.
please ?
all the other girls are having girls,
so please let this be the only trend i follow.

so excited. <3


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

but i saw this beautifully fascinating website,
and i believe i just had to stop by and create an account.
i'll work on it in a bit.

Crying. AndCrying.

I'm sitting in an empty classroom,
alternately growling and sobbing.
which is quieter than i want to do.
I want to rave against the depravity and idiocy of mankind
i want to scream and jump and shout and shriek and wail

why do i feel these strong anxious frustrated emotions ?

i hate Bell.
yes, that's it, the source of all my frustration,
BellMobility sucks donkey dink.
maybe it's partially PMS that's making me so sensitive,
but i had hopes that i wouldn't get my period,
and be pregnant instead.
that's another story.

back to how much i want to destroy Bell.

i got this new phone i picked out
and impatiently awaited a week ago
the Samsung Impact, through Bell
we got it at StupidStore, where we norms get our phones.
just simple, and decent plans generally.
and so i was all stoked for this sexy touch screen phone
with all these rad things my last one didn't have.
think a step above normal phones, half a step behind androids.

and so i get home early yesterday, after a mexican dinner,
and i plug it in, and charge it, and then i try to call bell
but they don't have 24 hour service.
their hours are 9 to 5. monday to friday.
i'm in school 8 to 830 !
so i get scott to go online (while i'm on the phone with him)
to activate it that way.
apparently it's 30 dollars to activate a cellphone via phone.
and free online.
but the goddamn page won't finish loading,
he tried it 3 times and it kept freezing
and saying bell was experiencing tech problems
which is bullshit, what kind of service provider has tech problems,
all night and through most of the day.
(still not working atm. although that could be b/c of
the block on the school computers.)

so here i am at school, no cellphone,
trying to think of what to do.
i emailed scott the necessary info,
he'll try when he gets home online again.
i'm hoping it's just the computer block on school comps
that won't load the activation page
i'm hoping that maybe Beni's iphone will work
iduhno, i'd think it would work,
but imma ask her if she'll let me try/thinks it will work
i'm hoping it does.
i just want my fucking phone. jesus christ.

PS, mom bought me a 25 dollar card
to go with my 15$ bonus activation credit
and i am NOT paying 30 dollars to call in and
hook the bitch up like that.
if it comes to that,
i will scream my way to a free activation,
like i SHOULD get.

and yea, back to the pregnancy thing,
had a strange and new occurrence happen
while i was with scott,
and i had hoped (a big inner part of me did)
that i would come out from it pregnant.
but iduhno, i believe in fate,
and i'm not sure fate says it's my time yet.
though i want a baby =[
i'm smart enough to be able to make it work,
and actually succeed if i made an effort, to go farther
than just a teen mom on welfare.
i guess i'll just have to wait.
i am not bein an old momma though,
i want a baby by 24. xD

well, at least i stopped crying.
i'm still pissed though.

Child ?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

So, I realized today that i have fears equivolent to
that of a 3-6 year old child.
they're scared of the dark, sleeping alone, and monsters.

fear of the undead (zombies) : kinemortophobia
fear of ghosts/spectres/apparitions : spectrophobia
irrational fear of the dark/what's in the dark : achluphobia

and i think i read a long time in a dean koontz book (called False Memory)
that Autophobia has 3 aspects or potential meanings.
1. Fear of being alone
2. Fear of being in a crowd
3. Fear of oneself.

By the way, read False Memory, it was amazing.
but i am definitely not so great when i'm alone.

momma goes to see her boyfriend on the weekends,
so i get about 72 hours or more alone,
me and the cats.
who basically ignore me the majority of the time.

do i stand at my wind peering through the blinds in semi-darkness,
searching for and terrified i'll find a zombie ?
yes, yes i do.

do i avoid sleeping until i'm almost passing out or on the phone ?
of course.

so i sleep with the kitchen light on, tv on,
and in extreme cases, with my bedside lamp on ?
many, many nights.

i'm fucking tired of lying awake trembling and crying
because i'm so scared some random creature will get me.

i want it to go away,
i'm losing sleep, i'm having nightmares,
and it's ruining scary movies for me.

and don't tell me that the scary movies are the problem,
i'm addicted to scary movies,
and often it's not the movie that bothers me =P
i've been scared in the dark alot though when i was little.

though i'll admit, top movies that have cause lasting fears ::
the Grudge, the Ring, Darkness Falls, Paranormal Activity
probably the worst ones.

goddamnit i'm even sketching out in an empty classroom.

save mee. >.<

Moving ?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm scared.
on the drive back in to Mish,
I started crying and I would have turned right around then and never come back.
and now i'm here, and mom is so upset,
and i'm scared to leave.

But I don't want to be here anymore.
S's parents apparently love me,
and his mom said she'd love for me to move in.
S is asking her today when would be okay if i took her up on that offer.
and his friend who's a piercer could give me an opportunity to be his assistant part time.
and i could get a job in Nani,
finish my school at pass,
though I guess i'm mostly done my english,
got one chapter in FN, and ....
al of my math.
i hate it. xD

mom had something really awful happen to her,
by her brother and mom,
so she's all bent up and upset.
as well as shit going on with her boss at work.
so she's just messed up,
and taking it out on me a bit.

on the ride in,
we got into a "non argument" as I would call it.
Basically where she bitches and bitches and picks and then pulls guilt-trips
and I clamp my mouth shut because I love her too much to fight with her.
she used to be like that,
but all the stress lately has made her pick fights with me all the time over nothing.
I'm tired of it,
but the main reason i'm leaving (iknowiamiknowiamiknowiamnodoubtsplease)
isn't her regressing into her childhood (because she had kids so young)
and picking on me about stupid things and lording my schooling over my head
or even because she needs some time to herself (though this is a big one,)
she spends all her time at work or at her boyfriend's.
she needs time to spoil herself, enjoy her life,
and plus her schooling is coming up,
so paying for me and her and my schooling with no paycheck for 6 weeks ?
not cool.

mind you, i won't say i'm selfless.
far from, i know i'm a selfish bitch.
but i'm 18 in 3 weeks,
and i can't stand Mish.
the closer we get from the ferry, the harder I cry.
I start cutting, I fall into deep depression,
i take so many vitamins to force my body to make my mind happy that i throw up.
which doesn't really help with the happy-making,
hence cutting out the vitamins.
though that's mainly cuz there's nothing for breakfast in the house until wednesday.
i know i do feel alittle bit better with the vitamins.
but fuck, i'm all alone.
mom never wants to be home because she has no one but her bf and work,
and i really don't blame her for leaving on the weekends and pulling overtime daily.
i would do the same.
i'm at school 12 hours a day, and then i'm a potato on the couch for 72 straight hours.
it disgusts me, and it depresses me.
i have no one in Mish.

it wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't gone to Pville,
and remembered what it's like to be loved and cared about 24/7 by everyone.
nana and papa, Buddy, Winnie, baby JL, S, CF, Micha, Biinie, Domo.
and so many more.
but fuck, i just miss having people around always.
i hate being alone, it's literally killing me.

Nani has a hairdressing program that's really cool,
Beni was apparently gonna go there before here.
and like i say, that piercing assistant thing.
and living with my baby.
and seeing Winnie and my lil baby "niece".
It's too good an offer to really pass up.

Just don't know if i'm strong enough to break out of the sluggish grasp of Mish.
it's so easy to sink into nothingness,
when something takes so much more work than coasting along hell.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Soo, BMI calculator tells me i'm just in the underweight category,
for the most part.
welcome news.
i got 18.3,
i'm 5'9" i think, and i fluctuate but i'm generally between 123 and 127 lately.
which is nice,
i'm not really doing any upkeep,
but mom is on a high fiber diet,
which influences what's in the house somewhat.
she was buying only high fiber things,
so i bitched enough that there's some designated food for both of us =P
i eat mostly high fiber stuff meow though.
whole wheat pasta, low fat milk, whole grain bread, lots of apples and bananas,
and i can't live without my grapefruits.

though i must say, those are a treat for me,
because i'll cut a bag of em into little chunks and marinate them in sugar.
yes that's right,
haha so i haven't stopped my odd cravings. =P

Winnie had her baby !
omg, i didn't even see her pregnant,
it's crazyyyy !
i haven't seen her in so long =[
but i am BEYOND ecstatic that she had a baby girl !
she's going to be goddamn gorgeous.
J L. =3
so cuuuuute.
I can't wait to see her and Winnie again.

and S !
i haven't seen S since Valentine's Day.
which was the best celebration i've ever had, i might add.
just me, him, candles, bubbles, Deathcab, comfortability,
and no complications.
like clothes.

I cut the other night.
the stress was too much,
i was fighting with S and afraid i was screwing it all up again,
i'm just afraid and stressed all the time.
i think it had been at least a month since my last,
maybe a bit more.
but i changed spots.
hip just wasn't doing it for me.
only thing is, now that i'm covering my forearm,
and since i'm cutting again,
i feel weird exposing my wrist,
because that always felt like just the place to do it.
alas, i can't anymore.
but whatever takes the stress away.

i'm still smoking,
j'ai fume toujours.
haha bad french ? yepyep.
as soon as i stop smoking, or don't have smokes,
i go nuts, and everything is so much harder to handle.
hence the cutting.
so i need to start buying packs again,
instead of just sharing at school.

going to nana and papa's tomorrow.

did an amazing pair of gel nails on a woman yesterday,
i was very proud of myself.
only one who didn't do her exam,
and i'd say i did among the best 3 in the class.
*proud face*

mom is being ridiculous.
everything comes back to my school.
i get out early, and i'm a nuisance since she has to pick me up.
i stay late, i'm awful because she had to wait.

and then this thing with my birthday.
she told me we could get me a new phone for my birthday,
a smartphone or something, since my computer's broken.
regardless of the fact that once again, she did not ask me what i wanted,
just assumed right away,
i wasn't unhappy.
ten i showed her some of the prices going around for decent phones today.
she flipped out.

phones aren't fucking cheap anymore if you want something good.
but no.
"i shouldn't even have to get you a birthday present since i'm paying for your school !"
well, you're taking half my allowance every month to pay as well.
so fuck off.
i'm sorry you're going through your second childhood,
and have turned into a selfish teenager.
i'm sorry that every weekend you have to come home to me from your beloved boyfriend.
i'm sorry i'm your fucking daughter.
but you aren't my mother anymore,
and i'd like to know where the hell you put her,
so that she can only come out on a rainy day.

i want out.
and i'm tired of wanting out and being stuck.
but i need to get out soon.

anyways i should scoot along.
i love and miss you allllllll eternally.

i'll talk as soon as i can next.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Toxic skin and sultry eyes
A master liar's last disguise

Her smile oozed love and poison both
Her lips left glitter trailed up your throat

Bouncing curls, angelic fake
Breath down your spine until you wake

A finger trails, dangerously
I wonder what will become of me.

AlrightAlriight !

iduhn even know what to say.
Don't have much time to chatter today,
but nonetheless, chatter I shall !

repetitive zombie apocolypse nightmares.
and fears.
can't sleep cuz i'm scared zombies will start beating down the windows.
when i do sleep,
there are zombies anyways.
lose/lose situation ?
i thought so.
thinking of buying a damn crystal,
and i took a sleeping pill last night,
which helped a bit.

am I crazy ?
quite definitely.
last time I had paranoia this bad,
only thing that got me through was late night phone calls,
and being read fairy tales by my bro =[
which of course I can't have this time.
whenever I couldn't talk to him,
only way i could sleep was when the sun rose,
or when mom got up for work.
sometimes I needed both.
oh insomnia, you aren't very welcome here.

Not to mention I'm already tired almost 24/7,
i'm getting fucking sick of it,
so angreh.

computer still isn't ficed gawdfackindemnit.

can't wait to see S.
haha cuz i can't type his name repetitively.

i'm sorry i've been gone so long,
i really did miss ALL of you.
no time to catch up right now,
but especially to Adeline,
i see you have yourself a man, some confidence,
and of course your already gorgeous persona. ;D

i hope I didn't worry any of you ?
i shouldn't think so, I'm pretty sure I had a goodbye post.
but i'm back meowww !

wrote a poem i like.
i think i'll post that.

ttfn !

AugustEh ?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

wow, can't believe it's been that long since i last posted.
uunbelievable hay ?
no shit mang.

i'm all about slang lately
i've developed my own language of ridiculous silly slang.
i said "sucks dickle pickle" and Beni nearly died laughing.
among the top of my most said words and expressions are ::

  • sucks dickle pickle
  • s my d
  • biznatch
  • fack
  • shizballs
  • doucher (douche canoe, douchebag, doucherybaggery)
  • myeh (meh, nyeh, mrawer)
  • ballsage
  • stoked
  • ace
  • effcicles
and a bunch of random shit i can't be bothered to remember at this time. =P

i'm currently sitting in my nutso aesthetics class.
we're all kinda stir crazy
our teacher got cancer about a week or two into the new semester,
when we were all supposed to be starting makeup and waxing
so we literally have done nothing
we've had a sub 3 weeks now,
still no replacement teacher,
and we just want to do our damn makeup.

C flaked out on me last minute,
from the one thing i've ever asked her to do for me in 2 years of knowing her.
i was so fucking pissed and hurt.
she promised me months in advance to be my model for my exam in Van
and then said she had "tummy pains" the night before.
literally, night before.
i had no time, and no one else would go with me.
so needless to say, i was effed.
everyone else passed, they had an easy exam instructor.
and i was fuckered.

still bitter.
i didn't talk to her for a couple weeks.

me and S are back together.
it took a hookup and then shut down from otherC,
a hookup with a guy i thought i could make my boyfriend,
and an almost hookup with a truly nasty guy
to realize that there wasn't anything out there in the world i was missing.
at this point, i was pissed,
thinking i'd be left alone and never find someone.

then i started talking to S again,
and i missed talking to him so much,
and i saw him on webcam and started bawling.
that was when i realized how much i missed him,
how much he meant to me.

i gave it a month, talked to him a bunch,
then had him come see me during winter break.
for the first time seeing each other in 4 months,
and our anniversary is now new years day.
and i can't tell you how fucking happy i am.
i am monstrously lonely without him,
he is like the air i breathe,
the blood in my veins,
the sunshine to my daisy.
i love when he visits,
because if i have a nightmare i know i'll be in his arms,
and when i wake in the morning i know he's there with me.
i don't ever want him to leave me for a second.

it's so bad though.
as happy as i am,
i'm so depressed when he's not here.
and it's been getting worse and worse.
it's not all missing him (though that is a large, large part),
but it's school, having no friends, mom stressing me out, etc.
and S just makes it bearable.
i talk on the phone to him every night,
but as soon as he says goodbye i tear up,
and sob until i sleep.
that's this week's development.

mom rescued a kitten (big one, mind you) from under our house,
i'd been hearing it meow all weekend and wondered where it was.
turns out the little sweetheart is so my cat.
she sleeps on my bed at night,
and guards me from Smoky, our other cat, in the morning. =P
she's part siamese we think, all black with a white star on her chest
it looks like she's wearing a pendant, so I named her Bijou.
Bibi, or Princess Bibi for short (because of her high maintenance attitude =P)

coming to school at 830 am and leaving at 9pm is such a fucking toll.
it just builds up and up and up,
and now i'm just exhausted at best.
not to mention incredibly bitter.
i don't want to be going to class anymore.
although i'd decided i would feel better when we started makeup,
now that our teacher is out,
and we've done virtually nothing but repeat last semester's theory for 3 weeks,
i'm absofuckinglutely fed up.
just rawrawrawr.

at least I get to chill with Beni in school alil bit.
and i think Char Char from hairdressing likes me.
i got her number to hang out
(though not on a date, cuz i don't wanna date her xD)
and i'm excited.
we seem to have alot in common,
and it'd be nice to see someone outside of school.

i'm starved for social contact.

I don't know if i'll be regular in posting, ladies who still read.
my computer is broken, i'm broke,
and we are "supposedly" getting a new teacher on monday,
who might not let us on the computers as often.

my eating isn't consistent.
i've been eating oodles,
but i'm 124 according to our new scale.
i'm a size 3, albeit a slight muffintop size 3.
if i was 120 then i think i'd fit a touch better.
i'm tempted to start counting again,
but i'm really not sure if i should.
iw as so happy for awhile,
but i just liked the control of counting calories.
i still do it subconsciously,
just not obsessively.

not seeing S for another 4 weeks or so.
longest time apart since we started seeing each other again.

weekend for me.
hopefully gonna get to hang with Char Char.

I miss you all terribly.