OhhFuck.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Don't expect those pictures anytime soon.
I can't guarantee i can even give my wrist enough time to heal
before it's fucking assaulted again.

i feel ridiculous, pathetic.
retreating to my proverbial corner,
clutching Sally to my chest and crying on Ana's frail shoulder.
I need her whispered comforts.
Sally says such lovely things to me,
she is such a comfort.
Ana is always there to remind me that tomorrow is another day,
a better day for control and perfection and happiness.
Live.
live another day.
there's no sense in death.
I dont want death, not yet.
too much to be perfected,
too much to experience, enjoy.
not a good enough reason to die yet at all.
i have this life whereas someone else has lost theres
so i will not flush it down the toilet
i will live it and make the fucking best i can of it.


I must have flailed when i'm drunk.
at least when i'm sober i can subconsciously keep track
of how my wrist might be showing.

of how my boyfriend's best fucking friend might see.
of how stories will get mingled behind my back,
of how i had cut, i had cut because of mikki,
no it won't get worse.
i'm not exceptional, i'm not going to ever do more than puny little cuts.
S saw first, that was when he'd asked me about it while drunk.
apparently Mikki saw after, asked S if he had known.
and then M asked me if i was okay, if i'd hurt myself.
he'd heard through the fucking grapevine that i'd cut.
i jsut hope this goddamn grapevine doesn't grow past S, M, and Mikki.
I had told M, it had come up in conversation.
he's amazing easy to talk to.
S had known i used to, i guess he'd assumed i had quit.
and then he saw, for himself.
Mikki had not known.

I'm not looking forward to tuesday.
thank god for monday, and being "sick",
and it being a "pro-d day"
well, it is for the grads.
and i get my days off whenever the fuck i want.

i need to do some homework.

i need sleep.

i need my fucking boyfriend to hold me until i feel better.

i need to cry until i fucking feel better,
but  don't want anyone to fucking see.

(you can't let people see you cry. 
only J has ever seen me cry, 
on the night it was all decided, 
i blame mom, i blame mom. 
trying so hard to maintain control, 
at least don't let the tears fall, 
hold your breath, don't let it catch, 
walk fast walk fast concentrate don't let it get you 
no don't touch me no don't are you fucking stupid 
don't fucking touch me when i'm trying so hard to hold on 
he pulled me into his arms and you don't fucking do that 
because then i will sob and sob and sob. 


I never want anyone else to see me so vulnerable.)


I think i might go visit Sally.
we'll see.
part of me doesn't want to sink that low,
part of me wants to let her go now that more people know
about our sick little tryst.

but who the fuck am I kidding.
I am so incapable of love,
why the fuck would i let go of the closest things i've got.
Ana and Sally are always there for me,
and i love them as best as I can love anyone.
I'm so fucked up.  

ForgotToMention.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Soo.
I have this huge huge huge MASSIVE fucking crush on
Taylor Momsen.
weird for me, since i never crush on celebrities.
but FUCK sexy voice, gorgeous features, perfect body, amazing hair.

haha anyways, as well as my crush,
i kinda idolize her =P
she's my thinspiration mainly.
and i just adore her style.

but myeahh so anyways
my extensions should be coming this week.
andd i used a colour remover to get the pink out of my hair,
and i used a dream blonde to even it all out and make it platinum
so i now have smexxyyy platinum blonde hair.

and i did the whole black eyes thing,
(i used to do it alot when my hair was black, 
looks way better with blonde hair)
and red lipstick, because i LOVE LOVE LOVE
have alllways loved red lipstick.
and i was wearing my zebra trip cutoff shorts,
and black tights
and my tan and black plaid shirt/dress,
and i had my hair all pulled forward and shagged
and i knew i already looked like taylor momsen on accident xD
but when i was in the movie theater with m,
after the movie i went to the bathroom,
and i walked in and stopped at the mirror
and it was like taylor momsen was looking back at me xD
not in a creepy way,
i looked enough like me to not look like i was copying her
i just felt like really hot haha
because even my legs looked thinner.
so yea, that was interesting.

not that i want to be like another Taylor Momsen.
but i loved all the elements of her look seperately before she was ever famous
so i guess it just works that way now xD

but yea.
i'm stoked to finally be Taylor Momsen skinny.
i'm cloooose.
though maybe i'll go just a tad under her.
=]

CookieInHand.

Yea, i'm a fatty today.
whatever.
i'm not eating cookies during the week anymore anyways.
weekends if i'm lucky.

tomorrow i will start following what i will call the
"Skinny Bitch Diet"
i've heard it called the skinny girl diet,
but i think my name sounds better =P
maybe i'll post a side thingie
to keep up to date on what i'm doing with it

mm sunny D.

lawl at hungover/still drunk convos
with my amazingly cute bf S.
who is taking things really slow because he doesn't want to hurt me,
apparently.
like seriously. we haven't even kissed with tongue yet.
granted, he has to get his tongue barbell downsized,
otherwise i'm sure we would have sooner. =P

haha but when i'm drunk,
i go from my usual shyness to OHAY I LIKE YOU all over you =P
hehe we were talking, and i kept remembering
little random things, cuz that's how i go aafter drinking.
and i was like LAWL I REMEMBER YOUUU SAYING YOU WERE THIS HUGE TEASE
he's like yea that's because i am !

(he was being this morning, he kept fucking biting me xD
and being drunk, i bit him back as a joke and he jsut kept bitinggg 
ahahaha. he deffffs knows how that makes me feel now. =P )

and i was like noooo you're so innocent and cuute !

(he is megaaaa "gentlemanly" we'll say. 
normally bfs make like jokes about their gfs boobs, ass, 
etc. and he never does haha not the littlest bit. 
so this morning i mentioned it drunk, and i was laying in his lap, 
and he's like what am i supposed to just be all RAWR 
and he like grabbed my boobs haha. was funny.
fuck, i'm a whooore when i'm drunk. 
i can understand drunken whores now, 
cuz i get sooo easily turned on when intoxicated. ;D )

and he was like no i'm not !
i need to fucking step shit up then !
ahahaa. is it bad i'm kind of excited ?

FUCK YOU STILL SEMI-DRUNKEN WHORE SELF !
(tehehehe.)

soo,
after that long pause when i apologized for S seeing my wrist,
we kinda had this conversation.



(5:00 PM) M: oo.
i'm sorry.



(5:00 PM) M: youu saw my wrist. =/



(5:05 PM) S: uhm yeah..



(5:07 PM) M: i'm sorry.
youu didn't need to see that haha.



(5:07 PM) S: i would ahve seen it sooner or later



(5:09 PM) M: yea well you still didn't really need to see that
haha no one really does =P



(5:10 PM) S: Well iw ould have sooner or layter
you neeed to start tlakign to me..



(5:12 PM) M: well i don't know how it was when you saw
but like i just couldn't talk to you
i was totally upset because mikki was liek fucking crying
(i was stressed about Mikki crying while M was on the phone with her, because apparently it was partly my fault,
so i ended up scratching the shit out of my wrist to try to open it up again.
and there was like blood smeared all round my wrist. =/)




(5:12 PM) M: so i ended up scratching the shit out of my wrist, i was just stressed, and worried for mikki.



(5:12 PM) S: Baby...



(5:13 PM) S: I heart you alot  i dont realy wanna see tat ebcauseit worries me



(5:15 PM) M: haha thats no reason to be worried



(5:15 PM) S: So when i see a cut up wrist i shoudl think its normal?



(5:18 PM) M: well it's not anything to be worried about



(5:19 PM) S: ... im worried, if you cut your self over mikki crying



(5:19 PM) S: And something happens to you? im gonna be a ffriad oyu go deeper..



(5:20 PM) M: i didn't cut over her crying
i was with m, how the fuck was i gonna cut myself xD



(5:21 PM) S: youcscratched XD
my bad.



(5:21 PM) M: naw i don't cut deep
i don't do anything to be worried about, that's why i say don't worry haha



(5:21 PM) M: ohkay fine you're kind of right on that one.
but i still maintain it's not soemthing to worry about



(5:21 PM) S: Its gonna be hard
i care a fuckload about you..




He went for a shower after that, and that kinda ended that conversation.
but i'm such a hypocrite.
if i see/hear of other friends cutting or hurting themselves
(C after this huge thing with he who must not be named and it was like one cut apparently.)
i freak out because i don't want them hurt whatsoever.
but with me, it's like meh whatever. i havent ever needed stitches,
so why the fuck should anyone worry ?
it doesn't even feel important enough to mention, in my opinion.

iduhno. maybe i'll post a picture of my scars,
people can judge for themselves.

fuckkk. i'm trying to recover.
(LIESLIESLIESLIES)
I hate this because i feel pathetic because it's not even like major cutting,
it's just bullshit, it feels like a pathetic attempt for attention.
deep down, yea i want attention, i want that one person who i can pull into my life
and who'll kick out the need for my little chats with Sally.
but i don't just do this for attention.
i have no other form of ridding myself of the stress.

(and the blood is soo pretty. the feeling is amazing, 
sharp pain, release, in control control control me me in control
perfect little lines that aren't as perfect as i'd like 
but pretty little rivulets of gorgeous red, 
beautiful red tears.)


ew. i sound pathetic. 
but yea, there's a little look into my mentality of cutting.
i haven't really shared that with anyone, not that bald.
all i'll really tell anyone is that it releases stress, upset, worry, pain.


alright.
it seems all i cna ever post are super long long postssss.
i have to get on my homework tomorrow.
i'll weigh myself tomorrow morning when i shower.
we'll seeee. hopefully i'm not above 125. =/
i'd LOVE if i had fucking lost some.
but whatever.

SKINNY BITCH DIETTTT =D

love love love love love.