Tips.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

When i grew up,
it was under circumstances worse than more get.
No, i wasn't physically abused
(although my mother was by a couple assholes.)
No, I never lived on the street.

But we were definitely on the poor rather than rich end of the spectrum.
we never had money for anything,
we lived in trailers,
beat down houses with falling-apart roofs.
we ate little to nothing,
and we were never choosy.

i grew up with a taste for anything,
because i was exposed to such variety.

but i also grew up being careful NOT to waste.
finish everything on your plate don't even think of leaving anything.

as i got older i got more leeway.
but it was already habit.

so now,
that's why i can't just eat a little.

but i'm going to use a couple tricks.

1: use a side plate rather than a dinner plate.
2: don't fill it up just because it's a side plate. put proportionate portions on it.
3: leave a bit "for the angels".

the last is something my nana told me about yesterday.
she was grouching good-humouredly
(or not so much ?)
about how my auntie buddy never eats or drinks everything,
she always leaves a tiny bit,
"for the angels".
she said the day she leaves nothing is the day she dies.

i think even just to make sure no matter what no one over eats,
that is a good way to go about it.
and it's a cute habit to get into =]

so there we go.

with these tips,
i can really eat whatever the fuck i want.

and if i'm eating sweets or high-calorie things,
i'm only allowed 5 bites.


don't EVER finish or EVER go back for fucking seconds
unless it's my goddamn birthday.
thats the exception,
on my birthday i'm allowed whatever the fuck cake i want.
that's it =P

yesyes.
i shall do fine.

Slight.

I'm vaguely pissed off at myself.
I deleted my measurements block awhile ago
because i thought it was too much on the page.

but then i realize i don't know if/where i wrote down my previous measurements
i'm pissed because now i feel and look skinnier,
i want to know the difference.
it drives me mad because i do not know.

perhaps there is a method of tracking down what they were.
but it drives me crazy.

i'm pretty sure the tops of my thighs were 22 1/2 before
and now they're 21

my hipbone/muffintop area is now ... god i can't remember but i know it's smaller
i can hardly pinch the parts where i had "squishies" on my muffintop.

for the longest time i couldn't figure out
why my dermals were so far from my hipbone
i could've sworn that two years ago i'd gotten them pierced so close to the bone
but i've understood now it's because of the fat,
making them squish closer to my navel.
because now they're at my hipbone again =]

i turned to the side this morning and felt completely thin.

though there is still much to lose on my legs.

we'll see if we can't hunt up that measurement list =P
i'll measure everything in a bit and update,
post it.
i know i've shrunk at least a bit in everything.
i didn't weigh myself this morning,
and there's no point weighing now.
so i'll weigh myself tomorrow morning.
hopefully i'm at 120,
but holy crow i would be so ecstatic if i was below.
even if it was just 119.


on saturday i'm going to stay with mom for a week
it'll be a nice break,
i can work on my online stuff,
so if i don't finish my french at least 75% and my socio completely,
then i'm a failure,
a waste of space.


i'm thinking this fast is a wonderful thing.
maybe all the fat from the food i've been eating has clogged my bloodstream
poisoned the blood flowing to my brain and throughout my body
making me sluggish and numb

because for the past couple days i've felt motivated,
energetic,
awake

i feel physically a little tired,
at the moment.
my eyes are a bit tired and dry.
but i actually feel ....
here.

you can't imagine how amazing this is,
considering i've become used to being numb,
and asleep all day.
that's just my norm.

i'm loving this.
and i'm loving the thin feeling.

i think on friday i might start eating,
but using the 5-bite diet
and i think i'll just stick to that for awhile

so then i'm eating somewhat,
but i'm not going crazy
and i'm still gonna get the amazing "i'm not eating like a hog" feeling.

Syd walked up to me in sewing today and poked my stomach,
saying "Skinny mini."
i smiled. =P


I found a halter top i'd gotten awhile ago,
black and purple paisley,
totally gorgeous.

i put it on with yoga pants
(laundry day.)

S loves purple,
though i didn't remember this until half through the day.
i saw him at lunch and he just wrapped his arms around my stomach and like cuddled my shirt xD
he kept saying i LIKE this shiiirt !
hahaha.
it is a fucking cute shirt though.
it makes me look even thinnnerrrrr. =]

still legs.
must go.
FUCK.
go away leg fat.

i'm starting that bum workout at least tonight.
even if i do nothing but that a couple times a week
and walk alot like i normally do,
then i should tone up nicely without going too much.

when the weather's nice i will start jogging =]


ugh,
i want to start eating.
i just want to have a bite of this,
a bite of that.
i don't feel like filling my stomach at all.
but i'd like to eat again.

i want to start eating.
but when i do will this lovely feeling go away ?
i don't want to start eating.
but i do.

it's my third
(technically my fourth)
day without eating other than liquids
so today wouldn't be a bad time to start eating.
so people stop being suspicious =/


ooooo ....
okay.
i'll make something actually worth eating,
and i'll eat 5 bites.
for dinner.
start off slow.

i guess that means i have to weigh myself for HFC.
grawrl,
i'll do that in a bit then.


didn't get my fucking smokes today.
Winnie wasn't at school.
I swear to god if she isn't at school to give me my smokes tomorrow
if i don't get my pack before i fucking leave for a week,
i'm going to fucking freak right the fuck out.

grr.

Hahahahaaaaa. Fuck.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sooo i accidentally said too much i think
and put myself pretty close to the red zone
where mom is gonna be onto my eating.


so it's still only like day 2 of the liquid fast for me

and we were all talking about dieting
(my mom is always dieting)
and i was saying oh for my dahlias i was supposed to go on a liquid diet for 2 weeks
they've been so swollen

and mom was like you're not going on a liquid diet.

and i was like oh gosh no
i've just been eating less chewy foods

trying to throw her off the scent of my actual liquid diet.
x.x

FUCK ME
haha she's terrible.

i don't know if i can make this fast last another day
somebody might notice if i eat soup another day in a row
nana is going to notice if i go another day without breakfast

blechhh i might make 3 days if i'm lucky.

but i don't want to eat really =[

once i start eating again i'm gonna not be able to fucking stop !

blaaaaahh.