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I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.

Child ?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

So, I realized today that i have fears equivolent to
that of a 3-6 year old child.
they're scared of the dark, sleeping alone, and monsters.

fear of the undead (zombies) : kinemortophobia
fear of ghosts/spectres/apparitions : spectrophobia
irrational fear of the dark/what's in the dark : achluphobia

and i think i read a long time in a dean koontz book (called False Memory)
that Autophobia has 3 aspects or potential meanings.
1. Fear of being alone
2. Fear of being in a crowd
3. Fear of oneself.

By the way, read False Memory, it was amazing.
but i am definitely not so great when i'm alone.

momma goes to see her boyfriend on the weekends,
so i get about 72 hours or more alone,
me and the cats.
who basically ignore me the majority of the time.

do i stand at my wind peering through the blinds in semi-darkness,
searching for and terrified i'll find a zombie ?
yes, yes i do.

do i avoid sleeping until i'm almost passing out or on the phone ?
of course.

so i sleep with the kitchen light on, tv on,
and in extreme cases, with my bedside lamp on ?
many, many nights.

i'm fucking tired of lying awake trembling and crying
because i'm so scared some random creature will get me.

i want it to go away,
i'm losing sleep, i'm having nightmares,
and it's ruining scary movies for me.

and don't tell me that the scary movies are the problem,
i'm addicted to scary movies,
and often it's not the movie that bothers me =P
i've been scared in the dark alot though when i was little.

though i'll admit, top movies that have cause lasting fears ::
the Grudge, the Ring, Darkness Falls, Paranormal Activity
probably the worst ones.

goddamnit i'm even sketching out in an empty classroom.

save mee. >.<