My photo
I want nothing more than to be that sexy, moody, artistic waif, lounging in a coffeeshop writing poetry, existing off of black coffee and cigarettes.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

I can't believe how awkward this feels.

I've felt so detached from everyone,
so i've avoided coming back.

i haven't heard from anyone in awhile,
and i've been distracted,
so i haven't been reading any blogs
i suppose i need to check up on you all
i miss you =[

oh good god,
there is just too much to tell,
i don't know if i even have the patience for it all.
i'll just list it all in fair point form.

- Broke up with S. Things weren't working anymore, he was pissing me off more than making me happy, and we just weren't working physically either. Yes, I did take time to think. I took 3 weeks to be sure. We'd been dating alittle over 2 months, my record.
Yes, I do feel shitty. He doesn't talk to me anymore, though I was super nice about it.
- started hanging with S's friend Walty more, and found out he's literally my mirror-me, my doppleganger. You wouldn't believe the scary things we've had in common. Examples: He was anorexic, he was a cutter, still goes through depressive states, describes his moods in colours akin to mine, and he has to press the stop button on the microwave before the buzzer sounds.
I'll talk more about him in a bit.
- Nana and papa started getting nastier to me, started insulting me, calling me selfish,self centered, disrespectful. While i may be a touch selfish, i am not self centered, and if i act that way whatsoever it's due to lack of positive attention.
they blew up at me yesterday, yelled and called names, i called mom and left for the ferry that night. now here i am in chilliwack for a month, and possibly am moving back here.
- otherC and I started talking again, it scares me because he seems to be back to the old him i fell in love with. He wants me back. But i'm kind of involved.
- Justin commented today that i've lost weight. To be honest, i haven't been following my rules, though i've been eating erratically, which has helped me to not gain weight. i'm between 120 and 124 now.

alright, here goes.
deeper explanations.

omg walty.
He is so me,
it is not even funny.
and being with him,
i've realized he is like my fucking soulmate.
he is my other half,
and i seriously feel dysfunctional when we're seperated.
i saw him every day adn almost every night for a month straight,
and i never got tired of him.
today alittle after i woke up,
i looked around my house,
and it clicked in that i wouldn't see walty for a month.
and i laid down and cried my fucking face off.

i fucking cried over not seeing someone for a month ?
yea, yea i did.
i've only ever done that one other time,
and that wasn't sobbing despondance,
that was like silent tears of dismay.
that was for B,
my brother.

Walty makes me beyond happy,
and like i say i am just dysfunctional when i'm not with him.
everything feels so natural with him,
i feel so comfortable,
like i could really do anything.

you know,
i've never met someone who could make me feel comfortable during sex.
Walty stopped in the middle the first time,
and he just talked to me about things.
and we fucking laughed. xD
we laughed !

and whereas i only came once in all the times i had sex with S
i have everytime with walty.
i've never really been satisfied by sex before him.

the second time,
when we finished he just laid down beside me,
looking totally comfortable in his own skin,
andhe just watched me,
and talked to me.

i'm crying just remembering the looks he gives me =P
this is unbelievable.

he's such a beautiful person.
he's so disturbed and broken,
just like me,
but he's so beautiful.
he's unlike anyone i've ever met.

but i suppose i've never technically met myself.
until i met him.