I'mScared.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nana's making homemade bread rolls.
they smell sooo good.
but i looked it up online
(Google <3)
and i'm scared, cuz they're like 100+ calories for one fucking roll.
and i'd have to have it with butter, of course.

Kill me now.

Legs are still sore from workout the other day.
couldnt get up early enough to work out this morning,
but we cleaned the office today,
so that's a 40 minute workout fersure =P

I actually didn't eat much today.
1/2 cup cereal in the morning.
boiled egg w. 2 pickles and 4 green olives
and then i've been chewing gum and drinking water.
after we did the office, i really felt no hunger
i just felt good from all the exercise =P

i don't know what i'm eating for dinner.
i know i've eaten so little today i don't have to worry.
but i don't feel like eating, tbh.
there's nothing i want to eat,
and anything i might make ...
the calories just scare me today.
even 70 sounds like a scary number.

at least i've only eaten ...
hay, google says a hard-boiled egg is 76 calories.
fuck me.
how many calories are in salt ?
cuz i can't stop with the salt. =P

so yea, i've eaten 220 calories total today,
and it's 621 pm.
don't know what dinner will have in store for me,
but if i can get away with it,
i don't feel like eating anything at all.


why are all my blogs so long ?
I think it's my spacing & sentence structure.
at the end of most every sentence
or in the middle of long sentences
i have to put he next part down on the next line =P
it's like this obsessive thing when i blog.
so i guess that's why my blogs are so long =P
they're really not much longer than others.


-edit-
FUCK TOMORROW IS FUCKING THURSDAY ROTATION NOT WEDNESDAY THAT FUCKING SUCKS
i was gonna hang with S during the middle of the day
my coffeeshop time
i was so excited =[
i don't want another thursday
FUCK.

--edit--
oh thank god, much better than i feared.
had a roll & spaghetti
the roll was prolly about 100 cals,
the spaghetti (as said by google)
should have been about 250 calories.
thank fucking jesus.

Today's calorie intake :: 570
-workout. =176
oh that's kinda weak.
but i still ate wayy under my limit ! =D

Failure.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

For awhile, I was good.

under 600 calories a day,

chewing gum all day,

and then exercising at night, burning off at least 300,

but generally more like 600+ calories.

I would have been well on my way.

But then I went to visit my family and friends for a week.

You can't maintain a strict (and vegetarian) diet

in a house full of chips, chocolate, pudding, kraft dinner,

and carnivores.

At least i walked alot.

But when i brought my boyfriend back for a week,

i couldn't have him see me exercising at 11 at night,

and counting all my calories,

and the little portions i'd eat.

And i just never picked it up again after that.

Yet i was fine, it didn't hurt me,

i felt pretty good.

(false happy.)

I watched a couple episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny today.

There was this terribly obese woman,

she was talking to the "supersize" woman of course.

But she said "That little voice in your head, that tells you 'i'll start my diet tomorrow',

That little voice is out to kill you."

I seriously started crying right there,

because it's so true, i hear that every day,

and it takes alot to suck it up and tell that voice to fuck off,

my diet starts now.

I'm starting again,

and i'm bringing my food with me when i visit next week,

and i'll have hours in the middle of the day with nothing to do

and no one home,

so I can go for jogs, and work out.

The only thing I need to conquer is the working out in the morning.

I need to be able to wake up early enough to work out,

and i need to GET OUT OF BED AND START.

but it's so hard to get out of bed,

i'm tired all the time.

Well, that makes sense,

coming from a depressed anorexic vegetarian with mild anemia. =P

I'm getting to see A this weekend,

i'm going to be in Chilliwack around noon on Saturday.

and then i'll be there for a week,

and A is taking me on a date =]

I'm so excited, it's been too long since i've seen her.