I'mPregnantGuys.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

yay me. =]
now if only i could stop fighting with S about this.
i've grown up in a female dominant family,
and i already feel protective of my not-really-there-yet bump.
over-protective. fiercely so.
and selfish. i really don't wanna share her.
i know i will.
but fuck, i just wish someone would let me be selfish.

s wants to redeem his childhood by being an amazing father
except he's making it into a contest.
and i hate it.
i wanna kick him in the fucking teeth and tell him
get lost it's all mine.

i can't though, i guess.
it'd be more helpful if he didn't want it,
to be honest.

mom wants him to move in.
i don't, because we'll just fight incessantly.

i just keep crying and getting stressed out.
i'm so tired all the time.

and i'm so so scared i'll lose this baby.
i find myself stroking my tummy protectively all the time.
i'm scared.
i'm irrational.
i'm bipolar, from the hormones.
i'm not myself.

but i'm myself and a baby.

wanna hear my names ?
I really want a girl, (Porcelain Dahlia, called Portia or Dolly)
but my boy name is kickass. (Harley Laken Scott, but called Laken.)
i would love to see a boy made by me,
but i wanta  girl so so bad.
so much more fun, and i'm so girly,
just please give me a girl.
i'll have my boy later.
please ?
all the other girls are having girls,
so please let this be the only trend i follow.

so excited. <3

NotToBeACopycat,

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

but i saw this beautifully fascinating website,
and i believe i just had to stop by and create an account.
i'll work on it in a bit.

http://weheartit.com/raiinbowAna

Crying. AndCrying.

I'm sitting in an empty classroom,
alternately growling and sobbing.
which is quieter than i want to do.
I want to rave against the depravity and idiocy of mankind
i want to scream and jump and shout and shriek and wail

why do i feel these strong anxious frustrated emotions ?

i hate Bell.
yes, that's it, the source of all my frustration,
BellMobility sucks donkey dink.
maybe it's partially PMS that's making me so sensitive,
but i had hopes that i wouldn't get my period,
and be pregnant instead.
that's another story.

back to how much i want to destroy Bell.

i got this new phone i picked out
and impatiently awaited a week ago
the Samsung Impact, through Bell
we got it at StupidStore, where we norms get our phones.
just simple, and decent plans generally.
and so i was all stoked for this sexy touch screen phone
with all these rad things my last one didn't have.
think a step above normal phones, half a step behind androids.

and so i get home early yesterday, after a mexican dinner,
and i plug it in, and charge it, and then i try to call bell
but they don't have 24 hour service.
their hours are 9 to 5. monday to friday.
WHAT THE FUCK.
i'm in school 8 to 830 !
so i get scott to go online (while i'm on the phone with him)
to activate it that way.
apparently it's 30 dollars to activate a cellphone via phone.
and free online.
but the goddamn page won't finish loading,
he tried it 3 times and it kept freezing
and saying bell was experiencing tech problems
which is bullshit, what kind of service provider has tech problems,
all night and through most of the day.
(still not working atm. although that could be b/c of
the block on the school computers.)

so here i am at school, no cellphone,
trying to think of what to do.
i emailed scott the necessary info,
he'll try when he gets home online again.
i'm hoping it's just the computer block on school comps
that won't load the activation page
i'm hoping that maybe Beni's iphone will work
iduhno, i'd think it would work,
but imma ask her if she'll let me try/thinks it will work
i'm hoping it does.
i just want my fucking phone. jesus christ.

PS, mom bought me a 25 dollar card
to go with my 15$ bonus activation credit
and i am NOT paying 30 dollars to call in and
hook the bitch up like that.
if it comes to that,
i will scream my way to a free activation,
like i SHOULD get.
grawrgrawr.


and yea, back to the pregnancy thing,
had a strange and new occurrence happen
while i was with scott,
and i had hoped (a big inner part of me did)
that i would come out from it pregnant.
but iduhno, i believe in fate,
and i'm not sure fate says it's my time yet.
though i want a baby =[
i'm smart enough to be able to make it work,
and actually succeed if i made an effort, to go farther
than just a teen mom on welfare.
i guess i'll just have to wait.
i am not bein an old momma though,
i want a baby by 24. xD


well, at least i stopped crying.
i'm still pissed though.

Child ?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

So, I realized today that i have fears equivolent to
that of a 3-6 year old child.
yepp.
they're scared of the dark, sleeping alone, and monsters.

fear of the undead (zombies) : kinemortophobia
fear of ghosts/spectres/apparitions : spectrophobia
irrational fear of the dark/what's in the dark : achluphobia

and i think i read a long time in a dean koontz book (called False Memory)
that Autophobia has 3 aspects or potential meanings.
1. Fear of being alone
2. Fear of being in a crowd
3. Fear of oneself.

By the way, read False Memory, it was amazing.
but i am definitely not so great when i'm alone.

momma goes to see her boyfriend on the weekends,
so i get about 72 hours or more alone,
me and the cats.
who basically ignore me the majority of the time.

do i stand at my wind peering through the blinds in semi-darkness,
searching for and terrified i'll find a zombie ?
yes, yes i do.

do i avoid sleeping until i'm almost passing out or on the phone ?
of course.

so i sleep with the kitchen light on, tv on,
and in extreme cases, with my bedside lamp on ?
many, many nights.

i'm fucking tired of lying awake trembling and crying
because i'm so scared some random creature will get me.

i want it to go away,
i'm losing sleep, i'm having nightmares,
and it's ruining scary movies for me.

and don't tell me that the scary movies are the problem,
i'm addicted to scary movies,
and often it's not the movie that bothers me =P
i've been scared in the dark alot though when i was little.

though i'll admit, top movies that have cause lasting fears ::
the Grudge, the Ring, Darkness Falls, Paranormal Activity
probably the worst ones.

goddamnit i'm even sketching out in an empty classroom.

mehhh.
save mee. >.<

Moving ?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm scared.
on the drive back in to Mish,
I started crying and I would have turned right around then and never come back.
and now i'm here, and mom is so upset,
and i'm scared to leave.

But I don't want to be here anymore.
S's parents apparently love me,
and his mom said she'd love for me to move in.
S is asking her today when would be okay if i took her up on that offer.
and his friend who's a piercer could give me an opportunity to be his assistant part time.
and i could get a job in Nani,
finish my school at pass,
though I guess i'm mostly done my english,
got one chapter in FN, and ....
al of my math.
mwahaha.
i hate it. xD

mom had something really awful happen to her,
by her brother and mom,
so she's all bent up and upset.
as well as shit going on with her boss at work.
so she's just messed up,
and taking it out on me a bit.

on the ride in,
we got into a "non argument" as I would call it.
Basically where she bitches and bitches and picks and then pulls guilt-trips
and I clamp my mouth shut because I love her too much to fight with her.
she used to be like that,
but all the stress lately has made her pick fights with me all the time over nothing.
I'm tired of it,
but the main reason i'm leaving (iknowiamiknowiamiknowiamnodoubtsplease)
isn't her regressing into her childhood (because she had kids so young)
and picking on me about stupid things and lording my schooling over my head
or even because she needs some time to herself (though this is a big one,)
she spends all her time at work or at her boyfriend's.
she needs time to spoil herself, enjoy her life,
and plus her schooling is coming up,
so paying for me and her and my schooling with no paycheck for 6 weeks ?
not cool.

mind you, i won't say i'm selfless.
far from, i know i'm a selfish bitch.
but i'm 18 in 3 weeks,
and i can't stand Mish.
the closer we get from the ferry, the harder I cry.
I start cutting, I fall into deep depression,
i take so many vitamins to force my body to make my mind happy that i throw up.
which doesn't really help with the happy-making,
hence cutting out the vitamins.
though that's mainly cuz there's nothing for breakfast in the house until wednesday.
i know i do feel alittle bit better with the vitamins.
but fuck, i'm all alone.
mom never wants to be home because she has no one but her bf and work,
and i really don't blame her for leaving on the weekends and pulling overtime daily.
i would do the same.
i'm at school 12 hours a day, and then i'm a potato on the couch for 72 straight hours.
it disgusts me, and it depresses me.
i have no one in Mish.

it wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't gone to Pville,
and remembered what it's like to be loved and cared about 24/7 by everyone.
nana and papa, Buddy, Winnie, baby JL, S, CF, Micha, Biinie, Domo.
and so many more.
but fuck, i just miss having people around always.
i hate being alone, it's literally killing me.

Nani has a hairdressing program that's really cool,
Beni was apparently gonna go there before here.
and like i say, that piercing assistant thing.
and living with my baby.
and seeing Winnie and my lil baby "niece".
It's too good an offer to really pass up.

Just don't know if i'm strong enough to break out of the sluggish grasp of Mish.
it's so easy to sink into nothingness,
when something takes so much more work than coasting along hell.

Frustration.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Soo, BMI calculator tells me i'm just in the underweight category,
for the most part.
welcome news.
i got 18.3,
i'm 5'9" i think, and i fluctuate but i'm generally between 123 and 127 lately.
which is nice,
i'm not really doing any upkeep,
but mom is on a high fiber diet,
which influences what's in the house somewhat.
she was buying only high fiber things,
so i bitched enough that there's some designated food for both of us =P
i eat mostly high fiber stuff meow though.
whole wheat pasta, low fat milk, whole grain bread, lots of apples and bananas,
and i can't live without my grapefruits.

though i must say, those are a treat for me,
because i'll cut a bag of em into little chunks and marinate them in sugar.
yes that's right,
MARINATE IN SUGAR.
haha so i haven't stopped my odd cravings. =P

Winnie had her baby !
omg, i didn't even see her pregnant,
it's crazyyyy !
i haven't seen her in so long =[
but i am BEYOND ecstatic that she had a baby girl !
she's going to be goddamn gorgeous.
J L. =3
so cuuuuute.
I can't wait to see her and Winnie again.

and S !
i haven't seen S since Valentine's Day.
which was the best celebration i've ever had, i might add.
just me, him, candles, bubbles, Deathcab, comfortability,
and no complications.
like clothes.
;]

I cut the other night.
the stress was too much,
i was fighting with S and afraid i was screwing it all up again,
i'm just afraid and stressed all the time.
i think it had been at least a month since my last,
maybe a bit more.
but i changed spots.
hip just wasn't doing it for me.
only thing is, now that i'm covering my forearm,
and since i'm cutting again,
i feel weird exposing my wrist,
because that always felt like just the place to do it.
alas, i can't anymore.
but whatever takes the stress away.

i'm still smoking,
j'ai fume toujours.
haha bad french ? yepyep.
as soon as i stop smoking, or don't have smokes,
i go nuts, and everything is so much harder to handle.
hence the cutting.
so i need to start buying packs again,
instead of just sharing at school.

going to nana and papa's tomorrow.
scared.

did an amazing pair of gel nails on a woman yesterday,
i was very proud of myself.
only one who didn't do her exam,
and i'd say i did among the best 3 in the class.
*proud face*

mom is being ridiculous.
everything comes back to my school.
i get out early, and i'm a nuisance since she has to pick me up.
i stay late, i'm awful because she had to wait.

and then this thing with my birthday.
she told me we could get me a new phone for my birthday,
a smartphone or something, since my computer's broken.
regardless of the fact that once again, she did not ask me what i wanted,
just assumed right away,
i wasn't unhappy.
ten i showed her some of the prices going around for decent phones today.
she flipped out.

phones aren't fucking cheap anymore if you want something good.
but no.
"i shouldn't even have to get you a birthday present since i'm paying for your school !"
well, you're taking half my allowance every month to pay as well.
so fuck off.
i'm sorry you're going through your second childhood,
and have turned into a selfish teenager.
i'm sorry that every weekend you have to come home to me from your beloved boyfriend.
i'm sorry i'm your fucking daughter.
but you aren't my mother anymore,
and i'd like to know where the hell you put her,
so that she can only come out on a rainy day.

i want out.
and i'm tired of wanting out and being stuck.
but i need to get out soon.

anyways i should scoot along.
i love and miss you allllllll eternally.

i'll talk as soon as i can next.

WOMAN

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Toxic skin and sultry eyes
A master liar's last disguise

Her smile oozed love and poison both
Her lips left glitter trailed up your throat

Bouncing curls, angelic fake
Breath down your spine until you wake

A finger trails, dangerously
I wonder what will become of me.

AlrightAlriight !

Kaysooo,
iduhn even know what to say.
Don't have much time to chatter today,
but nonetheless, chatter I shall !

uhmuhmuhm.
repetitive zombie apocolypse nightmares.
and fears.
can't sleep cuz i'm scared zombies will start beating down the windows.
when i do sleep,
there are zombies anyways.
lose/lose situation ?
i thought so.
thinking of buying a damn crystal,
and i took a sleeping pill last night,
which helped a bit.

am I crazy ?
quite definitely.
last time I had paranoia this bad,
only thing that got me through was late night phone calls,
and being read fairy tales by my bro =[
which of course I can't have this time.
whenever I couldn't talk to him,
only way i could sleep was when the sun rose,
or when mom got up for work.
sometimes I needed both.
oh insomnia, you aren't very welcome here.

Not to mention I'm already tired almost 24/7,
i'm getting fucking sick of it,
seriously.
so angreh.

computer still isn't ficed gawdfackindemnit.
myehhh.

can't wait to see S.
SSsSssssS.
haha cuz i can't type his name repetitively.

i'm sorry i've been gone so long,
i really did miss ALL of you.
no time to catch up right now,
but especially to Adeline,
GOOD ON YOU !
i see you have yourself a man, some confidence,
and of course your already gorgeous persona. ;D

i hope I didn't worry any of you ?
i shouldn't think so, I'm pretty sure I had a goodbye post.
but i'm back meowww !

wrote a poem i like.
i think i'll post that.

ttfn !

AugustEh ?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

wow, can't believe it's been that long since i last posted.
hmhmhmhmhmm.
uunbelievable hay ?
no shit mang.


i'm all about slang lately
i've developed my own language of ridiculous silly slang.
i said "sucks dickle pickle" and Beni nearly died laughing.
among the top of my most said words and expressions are ::

• sucks dickle pickle
• s my d
• biznatch
• fack
• shizballs
• doucher (douche canoe, douchebag, doucherybaggery)
• myeh (meh, nyeh, mrawer)
• ballsage
• stoked
• ace
• effcicles

and a bunch of random shit i can't be bothered to remember at this time. =P

i'm currently sitting in my nutso aesthetics class.
we're all kinda stir crazy
our teacher got cancer about a week or two into the new semester,
when we were all supposed to be starting makeup and waxing
so we literally have done nothing
we've had a sub 3 weeks now,
still no replacement teacher,
and we just want to do our damn makeup.

C flaked out on me last minute,
from the one thing i've ever asked her to do for me in 2 years of knowing her.
i was so fucking pissed and hurt.
she promised me months in advance to be my model for my exam in Van
and then said she had "tummy pains" the night before.
literally, night before.
i had no time, and no one else would go with me.
so needless to say, i was effed.
everyone else passed, they had an easy exam instructor.
and i was fuckered.

still bitter.
i didn't talk to her for a couple weeks.

me and S are back together.
it took a hookup and then shut down from otherC,
a hookup with a guy i thought i could make my boyfriend,
and an almost hookup with a truly nasty guy
to realize that there wasn't anything out there in the world i was missing.
at this point, i was pissed,
thinking i'd be left alone and never find someone.

then i started talking to S again,
and i missed talking to him so much,
and i saw him on webcam and started bawling.
that was when i realized how much i missed him,
how much he meant to me.

i gave it a month, talked to him a bunch,
then had him come see me during winter break.
for the first time seeing each other in 4 months,
and our anniversary is now new years day.
and i can't tell you how fucking happy i am.
i am monstrously lonely without him,
he is like the air i breathe,
the blood in my veins,
the sunshine to my daisy.
i love when he visits,
because if i have a nightmare i know i'll be in his arms,
and when i wake in the morning i know he's there with me.
i don't ever want him to leave me for a second.

it's so bad though.
as happy as i am,
i'm so depressed when he's not here.
and it's been getting worse and worse.
it's not all missing him (though that is a large, large part),
but it's school, having no friends, mom stressing me out, etc.
and S just makes it bearable.
i talk on the phone to him every night,
but as soon as he says goodbye i tear up,
and sob until i sleep.
that's this week's development.

mom rescued a kitten (big one, mind you) from under our house,
i'd been hearing it meow all weekend and wondered where it was.
turns out the little sweetheart is so my cat.
she sleeps on my bed at night,
and guards me from Smoky, our other cat, in the morning. =P
she's part siamese we think, all black with a white star on her chest
it looks like she's wearing a pendant, so I named her Bijou.
Bibi, or Princess Bibi for short (because of her high maintenance attitude =P)

coming to school at 830 am and leaving at 9pm is such a fucking toll.
it just builds up and up and up,
and now i'm just exhausted at best.
not to mention incredibly bitter.
i don't want to be going to class anymore.
although i'd decided i would feel better when we started makeup,
now that our teacher is out,
and we've done virtually nothing but repeat last semester's theory for 3 weeks,
i'm absofuckinglutely fed up.
just rawrawrawr.

at least I get to chill with Beni in school alil bit.
and i think Char Char from hairdressing likes me.
i got her number to hang out
(though not on a date, cuz i don't wanna date her xD)
and i'm excited.
we seem to have alot in common,
and it'd be nice to see someone outside of school.

i'm starved for social contact.


I don't know if i'll be regular in posting, ladies who still read.
my computer is broken, i'm broke,
and we are "supposedly" getting a new teacher on monday,
who might not let us on the computers as often.

my eating isn't consistent.
i've been eating oodles,
but i'm 124 according to our new scale.
i'm a size 3, albeit a slight muffintop size 3.
if i was 120 then i think i'd fit a touch better.
i'm tempted to start counting again,
but i'm really not sure if i should.
iw as so happy for awhile,
but i just liked the control of counting calories.
i still do it subconsciously,
just not obsessively.


not seeing S for another 4 weeks or so.
longest time apart since we started seeing each other again.

weekend for me.
hopefully gonna get to hang with Char Char.


I miss you all terribly.

IGuessI'mBack.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I've been thinking of coming back for awhile now.
i don't know how consistent i can be,
because i don't know if my new phone will be able to access blogs on here.
hopefully it can =P

I'm moving in with mom in Mission,
i'm only here to pack.
we won't have any internet for awhile,
until we get one of those internet stick thingies.
but we should have internet in october.
and i'm getting a new celly phone with some kind of internet access when i get back.

i broke up with S.
it hurt,
i've invested so much of myself in that relationship,
i just wish i could've given him all the love he deserved.
i just didn't have that for him.


i'm still about 125,
but i just looked at a picture of myself in a dress i thought i looked skinny in
and eww xD
my ass is huge,
sadly.
and i have a bit of a tummy =P

so i have some to lose.

i guess im going to start watching what i eat again,
and i'm going to start excercising more.
while i'm in Mission,
before we get internet,
i'll have nothing to do but school, read, write, and jog.
which is fine by me of course. =P
hopefully i'll make friends there but we'll see =/

i'm (hopefully) going to a college,
to start hairdressing and finish my grade 12.
i'm excited.

hopefully things turn out better.
i haven't cut in almost two months i think.
and Dee threw out my razor,
i'm almost 100% sure.
she was in my trailer while i was visiting mom,
and she put everything in boxes.

dumbass,
i have to put it in suitcases to move it xD

Expect comments from me on all your blogs again tonight ? =]
I missed you all.
I'm sorry.


Pictures of me at the wedding ?

 

thinner, but i've got a ways to go. 

wish me luck ladies. 

and all my heart is with you, 

even when my words aren't.

Hmm.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wow.
I can't believe how awkward this feels.

I've felt so detached from everyone,
so i've avoided coming back.

i haven't heard from anyone in awhile,
and i've been distracted,
so i haven't been reading any blogs
i suppose i need to check up on you all
i miss you =[

oh good god,
there is just too much to tell,
i don't know if i even have the patience for it all.
i'll just list it all in fair point form.

- Broke up with S. Things weren't working anymore, he was pissing me off more than making me happy, and we just weren't working physically either. Yes, I did take time to think. I took 3 weeks to be sure. We'd been dating alittle over 2 months, my record.
Yes, I do feel shitty. He doesn't talk to me anymore, though I was super nice about it.
- started hanging with S's friend Walty more, and found out he's literally my mirror-me, my doppleganger. You wouldn't believe the scary things we've had in common. Examples: He was anorexic, he was a cutter, still goes through depressive states, describes his moods in colours akin to mine, and he has to press the stop button on the microwave before the buzzer sounds.
I'll talk more about him in a bit.
- Nana and papa started getting nastier to me, started insulting me, calling me selfish,self centered, disrespectful. While i may be a touch selfish, i am not self centered, and if i act that way whatsoever it's due to lack of positive attention.
they blew up at me yesterday, yelled and called names, i called mom and left for the ferry that night. now here i am in chilliwack for a month, and possibly am moving back here.
- otherC and I started talking again, it scares me because he seems to be back to the old him i fell in love with. He wants me back. But i'm kind of involved.
- Justin commented today that i've lost weight. To be honest, i haven't been following my rules, though i've been eating erratically, which has helped me to not gain weight. i'm between 120 and 124 now.


alright, here goes.
deeper explanations.

Walty,
omg walty.
He is so me,
it is not even funny.
and being with him,
i've realized he is like my fucking soulmate.
he is my other half,
and i seriously feel dysfunctional when we're seperated.
i saw him every day adn almost every night for a month straight,
and i never got tired of him.
today alittle after i woke up,
i looked around my house,
and it clicked in that i wouldn't see walty for a month.
and i laid down and cried my fucking face off.

HOLD UP
i fucking cried over not seeing someone for a month ?
yea, yea i did.
i've only ever done that one other time,
and that wasn't sobbing despondance,
that was like silent tears of dismay.
that was for B,
my brother.

Walty makes me beyond happy,
and like i say i am just dysfunctional when i'm not with him.
everything feels so natural with him,
i feel so comfortable,
like i could really do anything.

you know,
i've never met someone who could make me feel comfortable during sex.
Walty stopped in the middle the first time,
and he just talked to me about things.
and we fucking laughed. xD
we laughed !

and whereas i only came once in all the times i had sex with S
i have everytime with walty.
i've never really been satisfied by sex before him.

the second time,
when we finished he just laid down beside me,
looking totally comfortable in his own skin,
andhe just watched me,
and talked to me.

omfg,
i'm crying just remembering the looks he gives me =P
this is unbelievable.

he's such a beautiful person.
he's so disturbed and broken,
just like me,
but he's so beautiful.
he's unlike anyone i've ever met.

but i suppose i've never technically met myself.
until i met him.

OhMornings.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

felt soooo skinny this morning
measured myself

waist is 24.5"
hips are 36"
=]
i've gone down a bit.
so stoked.

mall is closed today i think =/
hopefully going to see walty's band play

CanWrongBeRight ?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm at my wit's end.
i'm on my last straw,
and i don't know how much more i can take.

half of me wants to curl into the fetal position and just sob and wait until everything gets better
but the other half wants to just pack my bags and leave and make things better for myself.
the second half is bigger
but it's scared,
so scared.

i feel ridiculous that this is bothering me so much
but it's so huge for me,
i can't live with anyone that isn't my choice anymore
i need to move out and be on my own
i can't deal with this shit it's ridiculous


but i'm so scared
i just want to do things for me
but i'm so so scared
not of being out and on my own
but of facing everyone in my family and telling them i'm leaving.
because their "rule" was always no moving out til graduation.
hence why i decided i was gradding early a year ago.

but this is why i wish i didn't have to be the smart, sensible, together one in the family
just once,
i wish i was the badass,
the druggie, the one who sneaks out, gets pregnant,
all of that jazz.
because i don't believe one person in my family has just moved out,
my mom, my uncle riley, probably even buddy, uncle todd,
all were kicked out or left
for the above reasons or more

and i just fucking wish that it could be that easy
"I fucking want you out of the house right now !"
"sweet thanks."

instead it's more
"Can i please move out now ?"
"Not til graduation."

but i can't wait any longer
i'm tired of getting yelled at for stupid things
i don't do yelling

i got a callback from Spencer's,
i'm calling tomorrow and hoping it's an interview (most likely tbh it is.)
and if i get that job then i am gone.

unfortunately,
Walty also got an interview and told me he wasn't taking the job
because they were offering 20 hours per week tops

iduhno.
money is money.
so long as i've got rent,
and some money for my cell phone,
and smokes,
i don't give a fucking about food and whatnot.

and they're bound to need more full time people at the end of the summer
so it could just be tight until september
either that or i can get a job somewhere else like mcdonalds
life would be so much simpler if the place i'm moving into wasn't in buttfuck nowhere
and my only way out
(since i don't even have a license let alone a care)
is Walty.
not that he minds driving me places,
but he's getting a job too, \
and unless we work at the mall together,
i'll potentially be screwed.
though i'm sure i can work things out,
i'm a smart cookie.

wish me the best lovelies.
i really don't know what to do.
but i know i'm on my last straw.

papa yelled and told me iw as grounded,
slammed my door,
told me it was his door.
Walty's band is playing at the beach tomorrow.
i'm fucking going,
and he can suck my dick.

i'll probably have an interview tomorrow anyways.

WOOOOT

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

haha i'm sick.
so i'm kind of fucked up
and i just cried cuz this girl on america's got talent was such a beautiful singer
and my baby is at commencement right meow
but OMFG

i weigh 124 right meow
and my bmi is 18.3
which makes me underweightttttt ^.^
bwahaha.


it's wierd tho how i look
when i turn to the side,
above my hips i look sooo thin,
my ribs are more prominent,
my xlyphone,
especially my hips and my collarbones
and yes my hips and legs are slowly shrinking
but still.

i tried on dresses yesterday
(Walty took pictures and i acutlaly looked good 0.o)
and i tried on a small tube top dress
in this pleather shit so it was supposed to be skin tight
and i had a bit of extra fabric on my hips
and the top did NOT fit.

i also tried on a 3/4 gown
and it fit me in the hips
but again the top did not fit

answer to these
is that the top half of my body is extra small ^.^
and the bottom half is small
which i am damn well not going to reject
going from a M/L to a S in the hips. =]

my hips are about a 3/4 as of now
butttt i'm going to try and start working out my ass and thighs
go jogging and such more often
and i'm hoping i can get down to a 1 and then a 0
so i can be extra small on top AND bottom =]
YAYY
haha


oh
and i applied at Spencer's
fuckign badass store
i'm hooooping i at least get an interview
hoping against HOOOOPE that i get a job
but iduhno.
if it's meant to be it will happen.

Culture Craze is full right now. x.x
and S's fucking ex K has a piercing apprenticeship.
gah.
i have nothing bad to say about her.
except she just looks .. strange i guess,
i don't know.
she especially doesn't strike me as a piercer
i'd be scared if she was gonna pierce me cuz she always looks sad/scared/pissed off 0.o
and i really wish she'd fix her eyeliner.
x.x

she's pretty !
but the eyeliner looks terrible.


gah anyways
i'm sick as fuck
had a fever last night
all over the place today
\throat is dead

but i'm really just hoping that everything turns out good.
i need a job,
i need money,
i need to lose some more weight and tone up a bit,
i need to get better,
i need to be happier. =]

i am fairly happy right now
i just need the aforementioned things to complete my happiness.


good luck to all you lovelies

don't give up.
you'll make it.

and a tip :
even if you're going to let go and eat normally,
or even binge,
then make yourself rules.
like the ones i have,
so that you still won't gain as much as you would originally think
or maybe you'll even manage to still lose

the ones i always follow are mainly
leave something on your plate ALWAYS
a bit of everything if you're eating more than one thing
share whatever you are eating gladly
drink lots of fluids
keep busy so you don't have an opportunity to eat
chew lots of gum
and if you're a smoker then break out those damn smokes !

sadly me and Walty are out T.T

FoodIntake ?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Naw just kidding.
i'm too chicken. xD
but i'll tell you what i've been eating,
and explain somewhat.

i had a panic attack yesterday because i weighed myself at night
and i was 130 again
but i weighed myself today too and i'm 127 or so.

alriiiighty.
so.
my eating has been majorly fucked up.
i've got allergies out the yin yang and claritin isn't really helping.
add PMS to that. =P

but i duno.
my stomach feels like grossly stuffed all day
whether i've eaten or not.
but i do continue to eat
it's like i need absolutely need to keep my stomach full and distended
(oh hello tummy paunch which had been shrinking before exams.)

it's like a hunger
it's not like the cravings i've had before where i wanted the taste so i ate
it's a hunger
but not a physical hunger,
i could physically go without food so long
especially now because i'm just not hungry
but it's this wierd mental hunger
like my mind tells me as soon as i've eaten that i'm still hungry
i need to eat again again again


today i had a big bowl of honey nut cheerios for breakfast
and i guess about a cup of spaghetti

then for lunch i had a tuna fish sandwich
and a mini package of cheetos

and then for dinner i've had a bowl of breyer's neapolitan ice cream
and a can of brown beans in maple syrup

i'll probably end up eating more ice cream later
but i duhno
i'm so not hungry
my stomach is beyond full i feel sick all day
but i just keep eating.

least since i've got nothing better to do,
it's only a matter of time before i get bored enough to get back into jogging
and start working out
i haev to go out applying next week damnit.

HelloPMS.

Yeap, it's here and in full hormonal raging force

gahh i'm so grouchy
everything is pissing me off
and then i just want to cry because i don't want to be pissed xD

i worked everything out with my nana and papa
and now i basically have no curfew so long as i call =]


yeaaa.

my mommy told me i'm grown up =]

when i called her she was talking to me about alot
and she was saying that i'm their granddaughter,
they just have a hard time seeing me so grown up so they can't accept it
she said that it took me moving away and then coming back to visit
for her to see that i am grown up.
she said that in 6 months,
i'll be moved out and a full fledged adult

i think that just made me cry so much harder xD
because iduhno
it was so sweet.

Omgsh.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I just don't know what to do.
I just want to run and run and run from here
i don't want to fucking come back
do they not realize i was at this point before i got here ?
that this was what was fucking happening ?

do they not realize the more they try to pull me in and keep me here
the more i want to get out and never come back ?
fucking Dee goddamn talking to papa about things on my fucking wall.
fuck that shit.
i'm fucking tired of this.

fucking papa being pissed off.
FUCK YOU i'm fucking going to be moved out in SIX FUCKING MONTHS
if anybody would LET ME i'd be moved out NOW.



i've been crying every waking minute since 1030 this morning.

i got picked up by W and S at 12,
and we stayed out all night,
drove around, gamed, watched the sunrise,
drank energy drinks.

so much fucking fun.

then at W's gaming again
i think to myself i should call nana so she doesn't worry
at 1030 am
and hten i pick up S's phone
and see a voicemail from nana
and it's an angry fucking message

i can't stand when people are mad at me
especially when i think it's unjust
i can't stop crying.

i called my mommy
she talked to me about alot while i cried xD

i explained how i didn't want to stay here anymore,
how i knew i was only 17 but i was moving out soon,
and i felt so grown up and responsible,
and i felt like i should be getting to do what i want
i mean i came out here to be half moved out ffs.

she told me she knew i was growing up
and she didn't realize it til i moved here,
then came back to visit.
and each time i go back to see her she sees i'm alittle more grown up

she told me to talk to nana and papa
tell them i need a curfew and rules
but that i'm growing up and will be moved out shortly
that i am an adult.

but i can't fucking talk to them.
i can hardly even talk to my mother,
so how the fuck can i talk to my grandparents.

and what if the rules and curfews they set are worse ?
I JUST WANT TO GO AWAY AND DO MY OWN THING I HATE THIS.

i want to run and run and run and run.
and the only one who would catch me is my mommy
and she's not here she's too far away.

even S.
i just want him to hold me and let me cry
i hate people seeing me cry but S and W saw me cry
S held me for like a second and tried to comfort me somewhat
but he's so .. adhd.
he can't just hold me til i'm better
he holds me for like a sec and then scoots off to the next thing.

i want my mommy so bad.
i don't know what to do.
i want to stop crying.
this is so ridiculous.
why can't i just leave.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Omg.
iblame pms.
but i cant stop eating.

allergies have my nose mostly plugged
so i can just barely
(and slightly uncomfortably)
breathe through my nose
but it's so much easier to breathe through my mouth
except oh waht's that in my mouth
HALF THE CAN OF PRINGLES BITCH
oh and lets go get some strawberries and milk later !

let's add to the fucking
HUGE BOWL OF CHEERIOS FOR BREAKFAST
FISH AND CHIPS AND POPCORN SHRIMP for fucking LUNCH
TWO CUPS OF APPLESAUCE AND A YOGURT for a fucking SNACK
and a bowl of fucking SPAGHETTI for DINNER.

yea let's add strawberries and milk and sugar.
and let's eat more cereal.
that sounds likea  good fucking idea.

augh wow i'm so bitchy.
fucking pms.

..
i know i'll go eat strawberries later and i won't feel so bad.
but it does hurt when i think about it.
i just need to start working out to counter my food intake when PMSing.

my stomach hurts
but i want to keep eatingggg
=[

ugh.
remember that essay i wrote for S so he could pass ?
he got in big shiz for plagiarism.
and now he's not going to pass unless he redoes english during the summer.

he just signed on a couple minutes ago to tell me
and he got really mad
and i kind of got alittle grouchy but i was not startign an argument
i was trying to empathize with him,
and calm him down.
and he took it wrong and blew up.
and then he got like really blow-up-y.

so i told him to chill out then talk to me,
and signed out.

i hate doing that.
it makes me want to cry.

but i'm not starting a fucking argument
because i know if he rages i'll start to rage.


.. anybody wanna give the fatty a haagen dasz bar ?
mm.
haagen dasz.
i need to download eminem i forgot him.

yeaaa.
thank you pms.
i went right back up to 130.
granted that's after a day of gorging.
but aughhhh it hurts meeee to be fat agaiiiin
i feel just liek my fucking mother.
finally seeing results after religiously following a diet
then fucking blowing it and going right back up.

oh,
did i mention still my tongue is still not healed fully
i can't pick the food out of my teeth and cheeks like normal
so yea,
i've got fucking chips and random food stuck in my fucking teeth and gums and jaws.
it's pissing me off,
it was a major habit to pick out the food with my tongue.
x.x

HEAL BITCH.
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU !
xD or just my PMS rage anger.

EasyPeasy.

Biology exam was no sweat.

I'm not worried for my french exam,
i'm just worried that i failed the course.
that would piss me off so much. =/


yeaaa i miss you ladies.
but i'm scared because now i have to catch up on
like at least a week of blogs xD

Daisy got a flea/tick collar today ^.^
mwaha her fur is all bushy and then her neck looks all tiny
xD

i still don't have my goddamn extensions.
somebody's gonna get bitch slapped.
=P


talked to otherC last night actually.
i posted some pictures we had together on facebook in a "theforgotten" album
he commented on one saying he remembered that
and i said yea those were good times
and he was liek yea those were.

i cried xD
no surprise.

i messaged him on fb chat and said hay
and he said hey there
and first thing he did was apologize for how he'd reacted before

iduhno we talked alot,
we both apologized alot

but he forgives me,
and i worked really hard to at least make him kind of understand
he was in the center of my life at a confusing time
and i was very very confused
and i took it out on whoever was close in whatever the easiest way to comprehend was
even if it wasn't true.

he said that a part of him will always love me
and i said that a part of me will always love him too
and he didn't answer for like five minutes.

but i think what's hurt the most about this is he's grown so much from this
i mean i'm glad that i brought back the man i fell in love with
it seems like he's even better than he was before
but he sounded more like the one i remembered,
and that i had fallen in love with.

but he's grown so much from that.
he seems all confident and self assured and just happy

and i'm hurt i suppose because i'm not
he was the one most obviously hurt in this
and i'm the one paying the largest consequences
i'm a fucking mess xD

i was talking to my friend Bobbii,
and i was saying how he got so together and he seemed so in control
and she was like you're the most in control confident beautiful person i know
and i told her that the people who outwardly appear the most controlled
are the ones that are the most fucked inside
because they're the ones who make the most effort to hid the chaos within.

and it's true.
i can't always hide it,
sometimes i'm weak and i just want attention,
someone to hold me and tell me it'll be alright
but i guess i at least never fully open up
that's good at least.


i'm glad me and otherC are good now
but iduhno.
hurts a bit.
but i think i got my closure.


S's friend W is so epic xD
we went to a-team last night
and it was friggen amazing
he's the most fun driver,
he's psychotic on the road xD
and i love it of course,
being me.

we dropped S off first because my house is like 5 mins away from W's
and me and W got talking,
and he's so fucking awesome xD
he actually has an opinion on Billy Talent,
rather than the typical "oh their new album sucks but they're dece."
and apparently we're gonna have some guitar seshes
and he's gonna teach me some songs haha
i'm stokedage
i love hanging with him =P



anyways.
haha i duhno.

i need to get on that job thang.
but i'm scared to get out and apply 0.o
it's rare where i'm confident enough to just go out and apply
and i'm not looking forward to this haha.

hope your summers are starting off amazingly lovelies. =]

Blaaaaahhhhh. =[

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I don't even know what to say.
i'll just post a list maybe.



- I'm really hoping i didn't fail,
but attempting to ignore prior distractions so i could study did not help.
not even the 5hour energy drink i drank,
or sitting in front of my computer staring blankly at the screen for hours.
nope.
please cross your fingers for me that i didn't fail.
i just don't need to hear shit if i fail anything.

- Me and S are still the same.
I adore him,
he makes me happy,
i make him happy,
pretty good.

- I've been eating shit.
I was down to 123,
and then i got to 125,
and then i went through a stint where i legit did not want to eat.
and now all of a sudden i'm like hungry all the time now

..
oh it's the 20th.
i'm probably PMSing.
least that explains life.

- No more classes.
Bio exam on Monday,
French on Friday,
then it's just the summer.

- I still haven't gotten a fucking job.

- I dyed my hair pink and blue,
and it ran so it's pink and blue and purple.
i likes it.

- My tongue is STILL FUCKING SWOLLEN.
i mean it's just a tiny bit around the piercing.
BUT STILL.

- I can't stop thinking about otherC,
and it's driving me fucking nuts.
I keep thinking about him and seeing a status on FB,
or i see a video we did,
or pictures,
and i just break down and start crying again.

I don't want him entirely out of my life,
but It's not as if i can go back and tell him i want him there at this point.
he'll just turn it all around and make me want to die again.

- I'm so so so tired.
but again i think that's the PMSing.
I'm scared to check if i've gone above 127 from today.
I have to start exercising,
i'll have nothing better to do.

- Me and W are going to join yoga this summer

- Oh PS, W and her fake-friend who used her for foreve r
and totally hated me
are not friends anymore,
W has finally had enough of her user bitchy bullshit.
like seriously,
i've never seen a girl take more advantage of someone who loves them.
Bitch.

anyways me and W started hanging a bit more,
and she basically told me that girl was the reason we didn't hang out much
and she totally misses me too
so we're going to CEAP in september too,
we're gonna try and hang more =]

- But myeah that's my shtufss.
not too much new.
I need to get a fucking job.

I miss you girls =[
<3